Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: I am a member of a Macintosh User Group and I’d like to let people know about a meeting we’re having on September 22nd.
A: Oh, sure. MUGs are a great place for Mac users of all kinds to congregate.
Q: Um, yes. Well, we’re looking for a certain kind of Mac user.
A: Oh. Well… what kind?
Q: See, we’re the Stonehenge Macintosh Users Group and we need… well… we’re looking for…
A: Looking for…?
Q: Yes. Well. See, September 22nd is the autumnal equinox and we’re a little short on…
A: What?!
Q: Virgins. OK? It’s… we could use some virgins.
A: Virgins.
Q: Female… eighteen or nineteen… It’s not for sacrifice! We don’t do that. It’s just a purity thing. Carry the Orb of Thesulah into the ring and…
A: You know, we’re not a virgin head-hunting organization.
Q: Ahhh… I see. You don’t know any virgins.
A: Actually, no. No, I don’t. But you don’t either.
Q: Hmph.
Q: I AM A DEMI-GOD AND RECENT SWITCHER. I SWITCHED TO THE MAC BECAUSE I BELIEVED IT WOULD GIVE ME VAST POWERS ALLOWING ME TO VAULT FROM DEMI-GOD STATUS TO THAT OF A FULL GOD. HOWEVER, WHILE I DO ENJOY THE USER INTERFACE MORE THAN THAT OF WINDOWS, I FIND THAT MY POWERS ARE UNALTERED. I CAN STILL WRESTLE A BULL, SWIM GREAT OCEANS AND SATISFY MANY WOMEN AT THE SAME TIME, BUT THE POWERS OF LIGHTNING, WIND, AIR… THEY ARE BEYOND ME. DO I NEED A SYSTEM UPDATE?
A: No. I’m afraid someone has simply oversold the capabilities of the Mac to you. It does provide a more enjoyable user experience, it generally crashes less, and is easier to support. But it won’t give you power over the elements or anything.
Q: THAT… THAT’S RATHER DISAPPOINTING. I SPENT A LOT OF MONEY ON NEW VERSION OF MY APPLICATIONS.
A: Well… hey, you’re a demi-god looking to become a god. You can write it off as a business expense.
Q: HMM. HMMMMM. HA-HA! INDEED I CAN! YOU HAVE ASSISTED ME GREATLY! IS THERE SOMETHING I CAN WRESTLE FOR YOU?
A: Uh, n-no. No. Not that I can think of right now.
Q: I SEE. WELL, LET ME KNOW IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND!
A: You’ll be the first to know.
Q: Wait, was that Gorthar the Mighty?
A: Uh… yeah. Yeah, I think it was. Gorthar, son of Vulcan and Aphrodite.
Q: Oh, sheesh. He is just so full of it, you know? Typical male demi-god.
A: Oh, I don’t know. He seemed like a nice enough guy. What do you have against Gorthar?
Q: Well, let’s just say not all of the women were satisfied, OK?
A: Ooookay. I guess you’re not eligible for a membership in SMUG then.
Q: Nnnno.