02 Sep 05Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.


Q: I am a member of a Macintosh User Group and I’d like to let people know about a meeting we’re having on September 22nd.
A: Oh, sure. MUGs are a great place for Mac users of all kinds to congregate.
Q: Um, yes. Well, we’re looking for a certain kind of Mac user.
A: Oh. Well… what kind?
Q: See, we’re the Stonehenge Macintosh Users Group and we need… well… we’re looking for…
A: Looking for…?
Q: Yes. Well. See, September 22nd is the autumnal equinox and we’re a little short on…
A: What?!
Q: Virgins. OK? It’s… we could use some virgins.
A: Virgins.
Q: Female… eighteen or nineteen… It’s not for sacrifice! We don’t do that. It’s just a purity thing. Carry the Orb of Thesulah into the ring and…
A: You know, we’re not a virgin head-hunting organization.
Q: Ahhh… I see. You don’t know any virgins.
A: Actually, no. No, I don’t. But you don’t either.
Q: Hmph.


Q: I AM A DEMI-GOD AND RECENT SWITCHER. I SWITCHED TO THE MAC BECAUSE I BELIEVED IT WOULD GIVE ME VAST POWERS ALLOWING ME TO VAULT FROM DEMI-GOD STATUS TO THAT OF A FULL GOD. HOWEVER, WHILE I DO ENJOY THE USER INTERFACE MORE THAN THAT OF WINDOWS, I FIND THAT MY POWERS ARE UNALTERED. I CAN STILL WRESTLE A BULL, SWIM GREAT OCEANS AND SATISFY MANY WOMEN AT THE SAME TIME, BUT THE POWERS OF LIGHTNING, WIND, AIR… THEY ARE BEYOND ME. DO I NEED A SYSTEM UPDATE?
A: No. I’m afraid someone has simply oversold the capabilities of the Mac to you. It does provide a more enjoyable user experience, it generally crashes less, and is easier to support. But it won’t give you power over the elements or anything.
Q: THAT… THAT’S RATHER DISAPPOINTING. I SPENT A LOT OF MONEY ON NEW VERSION OF MY APPLICATIONS.
A: Well… hey, you’re a demi-god looking to become a god. You can write it off as a business expense.
Q: HMM. HMMMMM. HA-HA! INDEED I CAN! YOU HAVE ASSISTED ME GREATLY! IS THERE SOMETHING I CAN WRESTLE FOR YOU?
A: Uh, n-no. No. Not that I can think of right now.
Q: I SEE. WELL, LET ME KNOW IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND!
A: You’ll be the first to know.


Q: Wait, was that Gorthar the Mighty?
A: Uh… yeah. Yeah, I think it was. Gorthar, son of Vulcan and Aphrodite.
Q: Oh, sheesh. He is just so full of it, you know? Typical male demi-god.
A: Oh, I don’t know. He seemed like a nice enough guy. What do you have against Gorthar?
Q: Well, let’s just say not all of the women were satisfied, OK?
A: Ooookay. I guess you’re not eligible for a membership in SMUG then.
Q: Nnnno.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Elwood says:

    El Number unO!

  2. Boondoggle says:

    First!!

  3. Boondoggle says:

    Arghhh!

  4. Elwood says:

    Thbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbttt!

    (spitting profusley)

  5. Paul says:

    Way to bring it back around to the beginning there. Nicely done.

  6. Jon says:

    Numberth!

  7. appleswitch says:

    SIx!!! pfhorums.com

  8. Carl says:

    Lightening? Is that what happens after lightning strikes?

  9. Streetrabbit says:

    GORTHAR’S SPELLING OF AN ABRUPT, DISCONTINUOUS NATURAL ELECTRICAL DISCHARGE IN THE ATMOSPHERE OFFENDS ME. CARL BEATING ME TO THE PUNCH OFFENDS ME EVEN MORE.

  10. Here ya go... says:

    I guess I’ll just set someone up for…

  11. GingerSex says:

    Top Ten and setting up forÂ…

  12. GingerSex says:

    Doh. Looks like I got 11.

    I’m bored, I could do with a good wrestle right about now.

  13. Disgusted Col Retd says:

    Sir,

    I am complaining on two points

    1) I have the honour of being Life President of the Stonehenge Macintosh Users Group and can state that the SMUG item above is fallacious, salacious and bogus. If the person responsible for this was in my regiment, I would have them taken outside and shot.

    2) I must also protest at the vile implications and calumnies contained therein. Amongst the British Officer Class, it is customary for wives to retain their virginal state until menopause. Any subaltern attempting to contravene this convention, is instructed to commit suicide rather than undergo the disgrace of being shot.

    Disgusted Col Retd

  14. Hey – who agrees with me that folks should be lightening up on Moltz and his spelling problems?

  15. Mr. Shivers says:

    11th Poster!

  16. Mr. Shivers says:

    Or not.

  17. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    I thought maybe lightening was like shortening.

  18. Gerber says:

    What the heck is with the lightning???

  19. nxxx says:

    Gorthar the Mighty has made a mistake. Michael Jackson is in charge of lightening.

  20. John Moltz says:

    Look, how many times do I have to tell you that I’m a victim of the ITA method of teaching kids how to spell? I’M A VICTIM!

  21. iBode says:

    Wait, I know for a fact that September 22nd is when Billy and Ballmer will be touring England along with some other Microsoft execs for “inspiration.”

    They’re probably looking for virgins too.

  22. ficko says:

    iBode,

    Where and when as I am preparing a Mac mini, placing it inside a Dell to reassure them, and then exploding it, causing great carnage. Or do you think this is OTP?

    As for virgins, try Richard Branson, the millionaire pullover.

  23. Dr Who says:

    Thanks for posting the donation links!!

  24. Huh? says:

    FIRST!

    oh… wait..

    um…

    ELEVENTH!!!

    uh.. DAMN!

    PRIME NUMBER!!!

    *checks count*

    WTF!!!!

    *hangs head and wanders off*

    moo

  25. macros says:

    Orb of Thesulah? What, there’s a Mac-loving vampire that needs en-souling out there?

  26. 2 embarrassed says:

    Not to do with CARS but amused me. In a TV interview with Keith Richards, a reporter asked why Richards objected to Jagger’s knighthood. The reply was along the lines of “I wouldn’t trust that family with a pointed stick, let alone a sharp sword.”

  27. iBode says:

    Of course they’ll see Stonehenge, ficko, so if you miss them, the SMUG’s’ll get ‘um.

    (I’m sure they’d be quite happy and SMUG after that [sorry, it had to be done]).

    And why blow up a perfectly good Mac mini?

    Just use one of those $50 Dells from CompUSA.

  28. iBode says:

    Posting on every article in still listed in my Safari RSS feed.

    (No, really, go check. Every. Single. One.)

  29. nxxx says:

    Come on guys, let’s get together.

    America’s Chief Justice dies and there are two Supreme Court vacancies.

    Who better than

    JOHN MOLTZ?

  30. ficko says:

    iBode,

    Thanks for the information. Cannot use Compusa as UK slave to Tony and hence to Georgie W.

    Further advice, should I join SMUG?

    What do you think about these Americans having yet another day off?

  31. Moltz for the Supreme Court?!?

    Nah. He serves a much more important function for the public as editor of CARS. Masako, on the other hand, would be perfect and would also serve as filling both a vacancy with both a woman and a minority.

    Besides, I think one has to be a good speller to be a Supreme Court justice. Or is that what clerks are for?

  32. A. Nonny Mouse Esq. says:

    JJJS,

    You are a cruel sod.

  33. Mario 'Fingers' Morelli says:

    If you can download tunes from the iTunes site, why can’t I download a Ferrari from a CARS site?

  34. Del says:

    Dang! I think SMUG has been reading past comments before asking their help desk questions. I was all set to supply them with the overflow of male virgins that I have thanks to my deal with the “elder” and “teenaged” gods, but they specified female!

    What am I going to do with all of these guys?

    I might be able to find some use for them, but most of them are Windows users and what the hell am I supposed to do with those? I sent a ton down to be used as sandbags to help with the levy, but I still have quite a few left. Any ideas what to do with these blokes?

  35. nxxx says:

    Del,

    There’s a night club called ‘Heaven’ in Brighton, Sussex, UK where they would be welcomed with open arms and legs, or so I am told.

    Whether you would make a profit, I don’t know.

    MOLTZ FOR THE SUPREME COURT.

  36. iBode says:

    Hey, ficko, I’m confused. What does CompUSA have to do with politics? Bush won’t let them open stores in the UK? Or what?

    And sure, join SMUG. Just be careful. They might be so desperate for female virgins they’d settle for you.

  37. ficko says:

    iBode,

    Even I don’t fancy me.

  38. Streetrabbit says:

    Lazy bastard’s having a holiday!

    You better be funny tomorrow or there’ll be big trouble. Right here in River City..trouble with a capital T.

  39. Del says:

    MOLTZ for Supreme Court Judge and President!

    I don’t think there would be a conflict of interest at all.

  40. Okay now, I was a 33-year-old virgin. For real.

    Sure I’d done some cool things with women, but no parkin’ the porpise if you know what I mean? Nod nod, wink wink, knowhatImean, knowhatImean?

    But I’m much older now, so I guess I won’t qualify. Besides, I’m not even a chick.

    So no need for me to join the SMUG. That’s okay, in Southern California there’s an SDMUG. Actually it’s the biggest MUG in the world! So if you were longing to joing the SMUG, bring along a D and join with the biggest one around!

    Okay, so they’re kind of boring and mostly old people using Mac classics and hoping to install System 5 on their computers. Who cares? It’s Macs!

  41. iBode says:

    Hey, I think you got beat by that Steve Carell guy.

  42. Ahnyer Keester says:

    You know, it occurred to me the other day that Jewel has small hands:

    My hands are small I know

    But they’re not yours, they are my own

    But they’re not yours, they are my own

    I am never broken

    Does this make her freakish or is it just the fact that she IS freakish already? Or perhaps it proves that people with small hands are freakish.

  43. Stonehenge, where the demons dwell

    Where the banshees live and they do live well

    Stonehenge

    Where a man is a man and the children dance to

    the pipes of pan

    Stonehenge

    Tis a magic place where the moon doth rise

    With a dragon’s face

    Stonehenge

    Where the virgins lie

    And the prayer of devils fill the midnight sky

    And you my love, won’t you take my hand

    We’ll go back in time to that mystic land

    Where the dew drops cry and the cats meow

    I will take you there

    I will show you how

  44. Streetrabbit says:

    Beautiful.

    All it needs is some dwarves dancing around a tiny monument.

  45. iBode says:

    Hey, I think we have some of those left from the CARS Broadway show.