13 Sep 05Apple Chooses Macintel Theme Song.


Apple sources indicate that the company has picked a theme song for its upcoming line of Intel-based Macs. When the machines appear in the second quarter of 2006, they will be marketed to the tune of the 1999 hit “All I Ever Wanted” by Mase.

“We felt that ‘All I Ever Wanted’ captured the essence of the relationship between Apple and Intel,” said Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller.

Schiller then quoted lyrics from the song to demonstrate his point.

All I ever wanted was you for me
Cuz that nigga who I’m with don’t give a fuck about me
And all I ever wanted was to be there for you
Cuz that girl who you with don’t give a fuck about you

“As you can see,” Schiller said, “the song is as equally applicable to Apple’s relationship with IBM – ‘that nigga who I’m with don’t give a fuck about me’ – as it is to Intel’s relationship with Microsoft – ‘Cuz that girl who you with don’t give a fuck about you’.”

Schiller said that subsequent passages in the song can be interpreted to describe how Apple and Intel first “hooked up”.

I ain’t your man, I’m your man on the side

[You do not currently use our processors, but we know you maintain a separate code base that runs on our processors]
You just call me when you plan to slide

[Let us arrange some meetings covering technical feasibility when you’re interested in switching architectures]
And if you ever feel like you wanna creep

[And should you decide to enter into a long-term agreement with our firm]
All you gotta do is just give me a beep
[Please call us to formalize a binding contract]

Other quotes such as “I ain’t stingy, when everybody see the plush life, Buy rims before the benz so I look just right” speak to Apple’s commitment to producing a premium product and the award-winning design of the Power Mac G5.

Apple’s first round of advertisements featuring an Intel-based Mac mini will feature a “sanitized” version of the song. Also, in keeping with precedent, the song is not currently available from the iTunes Music Store, but will be added when the spot airs.

Schiller did admit that certain parts of the song were difficult to fit into the Apple/Intel relationship.

“Like this,” Schiller said. “‘Need a cleaner nina, cuz they don’t bust right’. I don’t know what that means.

“I think it might be something dirty, though.”

No Responses to “Apple Chooses Macintel Theme Song.”

  1. Firsty the Clown says:

    I Be First Suckas!

  2. iBode says:

    Some small number!

  3. iBode says:

    Which is the number 3!

    On topic now, that was probably the most vulgar article I’ve yet read. Even Ryan wasn’t that bad.

    And you got made at jinzo for saying “EAT IT B****ES!”

    And why not acknowledge the new, reborn Mase?

    I’m sure you could make some parallels to Apple’s history.

  4. John Moltz says:

    First off, I did not “get made” at any time other than when I whacked that guy in Cleveland in order to “get made” in the Gambino family.

    Second, I did not “get mad” at jinzo. I merely redacted his use of the “c-word” and posted some rules about what flies and what does not.

    Besides, if Mase wants to be a potty mouth and Apple wants to use his song, who am I to edit?

  5. ...House says:

    Clearly, Schiller left out the most significant part of the lyrics regarding Apple’s switch to Intel:

    Get money all over again

    Get money all over again

    Get money all over again

    Get money all over again

    And, um, shichi!

  6. Gangsta says:

    Not to be a prude and all but, uh, dear Mrs. Moltz didn’t use that bar of soap enough to wash that dirty mouth of yours did she?

    Tisk, tisk. I am ashamed of your gutter level vernacular.

  7. Wysz says:

    One of the funnier/more creative/more original CARS articles I’ve read. Good work, Moltz.

    I believe I be the ninth.

  8. vxx says:

    very close if not there

  9. Anonymous says:

    I like the new APPLEonINTEL theme song. Now we the people of Jobs must be ready to buy our APPLEonINTELs. Remember the APPLEonINTEL will make our computer expierence better the greates orgasim.

  10. Ace Deuce says:

    Cowabunga!

  11. Evil Monkey says:

    The day I see CARS publish a well thought-out, grammarical correct, non-self-contradicting article will be the day it actually become a rumor site.

    Oh wait, did that just happen?

    Oh man I died a little inside.

  12. nxxx says:

    John,

    What a week.

    First The Guardian goes Berliner and now this.

    Even worse, no key or time signature.

    3/10.

    Must try harder.

  13. Gordon Charlton says:

    The Guild Of Lyrical Dwarfs have issued the following statement.

    “This song is rubbish. It doesn’t mention gold once. We would have thought that, given our top secret involvement in project GBI, some consideration for our wishes in this matter would have been appropriate.

    “On a separate matter, we must advise the posters to CARS that we resent being likened to Little People, who are simply that: little people. We are proud of our mythical heritage, our beards and our mining skills, and are surprised that such a confusion could occur.

    “After all, Apples involvement with supernatural creatures is well known. Apple CEO Steve Jobs is often said to be “away with the fairies” and indeed it was the fairies who built his famous silken cocoon.

    “NB CARS Posters are reminded that fairies are litigious in nature and for the most part aggressively heterosexual. Please be careful how you tread, lest you find a tiny little solicitor pressing a tiny little summons into your hand.”

    Posted on behalf of GOLD by Gordon Charlton

  14. 2000guitars says:

    I want back my Mega Postian goodness! NOW!

  15. jp says:

    that doesn’t seem like an appropriate song to use in marketing consumer products. i mean i just don’t think it would appeal to some people.

    is this schiller a strange guy? cause he sure seems like it.

  16. Anonymous says:

    Best. Comment. Ever.

    *picks self off floor, tries to stop laughing*

    *looks around*

    OMG!!!!!111one

    Someone has written gullible on your ceiling! Oh No!

  17. Rhap Sody says:

    I believe “Need a cleaner nina, cuz they don’t bust right” refers to the old programmer’s saw, “Nonsense in, nonsense aut.” It’s a call for a higher programming ethic to ensure better stability on the new machine.

  18. Del says:

    The kittens are coming. I’d really think about re-opening the Mega-Post. Saucers of Milk won’t stop these trained masters of the Kitten-fu.

  19. Zeb says:

    Long live the nano-post!

    nano-post nano-post nano-post nano-post nano-post

    nano-post nano-post nano-post nano-post

    nano-post nano-post nano-post

    nano-post nano-post

    nano-post

  20. John Moltz says:

    Hey, jp, I don’t see any “Who moved my cheese?” ads right now, but if they show up I’ll do my best to squash them.

    Because that is BULLSHIT.

    Bullshit, man.

    What next? “You Can Negotiate Anything”? It’s a slippery slope.

  21. I believe that ‘Need a cleaner nina, cuz they don’t bust right” refers to his firearm and that it wont discharge correctly if you don’t keep it clean. Nina is a slang term for a pistol that is also used in a Dr. Dre song. Or so I’ve been told. 🙂

    This is getting ridiculous! That’s it. For the product introduction of Vista I will personally don a HUGE afro and breakdance like I’m in Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. Aiiiiight!

    Just because I’m the richest man in the world does not preclude me from being quite the “hipster” and “down” with the “teens”.

  22. Del says:

    My Google Ad:

    The Apple PDA: Available?

    Finally, get a PDA that syncs all of your Mac data perfectly.

    I think Google needs a Newton Intervention.

  23. Chris says:

    My nina don’t bust right, either. Mase is the shit.

  24. Anonymous says:

    Moltz, if you want to keep up with Jack over at AtAT, you’re gonna have to do better than just skipping a couple days of entries. Jack has taken it to the next level by taking his server off-line completely.

    How ya gonna compete with that?

  25. Aaah, here it is:

    “nine, nina – 9mm handgun”

    From: http://www.uic.edu/orgs/kbc/hiphop/slang.htm

    You too can be “hip” and “funky” with your “peeps” and “whathaveyous”.

    “what up? – hello, how are you?”

    [why, yes. I am fine. I am a billonaire, just like Mr. Howell. You have a “hizzle” day.]

    “bo janglin’, fool”

    [I’m not quite sure on that one, Mr. Homie. Come again?]

    “fool! you’re OS is wack, bitch!”

    [ahh, I see. why yes, we have quite the “wack” OS as you street people say. thank you.]

  26. Leibnitz, N. says:

    John, I don’t claim to be completely fluent in the way of your ‘peeps’, but I’m pretty sure that “I ain’t stingy, when everybody see the plush life, Buy rims before the benz so I look just right” is a reference to upcoming bonanzas derived from both the DRM aspects of future MacIntel chips, as well as the bulk deals being cut to replace the ARMs in iPods. But, I may be wrong, because I just got an email from Diddy that Texas Instruments has hired Green Day to negotiate a new deal with Jobs on next-gen chip stuff. I tried to check it out, but Kelly Ripa’s phone was busy.

  27. iBode says:

    I apologize for my spelling errors (at least mine won’t be caught by “Check Spelling as You Type”).

    Also, I was not aware/did not remember jinzo’s use of the “c-word,” though I had thought it to be about par with the “f-word.”

    (Everyone feel free to debate this [without actually using the words]).

    Hey, Mase doesn’t want to be a potty-mouth anymore, though.

    And stop denying you had any influence on which song Apple chose.

    I saw your profile on Apple.com under the title “Doer Of Random, Subhuman Jobs.” Under your dominion were such jobs as “Choosing a jingle/theme song; Going to McDonald’s/Starbucks for anyone with a craving (including the interns); and Running around completely naked singing “Chim-Chiminey!” on command.”

  28. iBode says:

    Oh, I do appreciate your promise to control the cheesy ads (though not the cheesy jokes).

    Now sing, naked boy.

  29. The Invisible Evil Rappers' Choir says:

    NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA!

    NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA!

    NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA!

    NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA!

  30. Spell Czech says:

    Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!

    That’s it! I’m Audi.

  31. Brother Mugga says:

    Er . . . only just logged on.

    1) Er . . . what?

    2) No really; I don’t have a clue what those lyrics mean. I’m British. And it’s not about cricket, as far as I can tell.

    3) However, I nevertheless found the article sufficiently amusing that I am, um, ‘bustin’ my ass’ laughing right at the moment. Er, dude.

    4) Ahhhh bollocks.