16 Sep 05Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I am a writer looking for an application that will organize the various pieces I write and allow for me to quickly format them for publishing to the web. Is there something that will do that?
A: Oh, you’re a writer?
Q: Um, well, yes.
A: What do you write?
Q: I write anti-fan fiction.
A: “Anti-fan fiction”? What’s that?
Q: Oh, it’s a burgeoning field. You pick a television show or a book you really don’t like and you write something based in that universe that accentuates how stupid it is.
A: Oh. Wow.
Q: Yeah. For instance my most recent piece was Lord of the Rings anti-fan fict. I called it “The Unbearable Gayness of Beorn”.
A: I see. You know, it seems like a lot of trouble just to make fun of something you don’t like.
Q: Uh-huh. Say, is that an Aragorn action figure on your desk?
A: Um… no. Yes. Shut up.

Q: I just got myself a brand spankin’ new iPod nano!
A: No WAY!
Q: WAY! And you know what I’m going to do?
A: What?! What?!
Q: I’m going to listen to it!
Q: OK! I will! Here I go! OK, plugging in the headphones… putting the buds in my ears and… turning it on! Um… hmm…
A: What? What is it?
Q: There’s… there’s no music on it.
A: What? There’s no music on it?
Q: No. Nothing. No music at all.
A: What?! You mean you have to supply your own music?! That is such crap!
Q: I know. I know. I mean… where the hell is the music?
A: Ah, man. I can’t believe it’s such a ripoff! It looks so good in the ads…
Q: I know…

Q: I have a 12″ PowerBook that I’m going to take to Macworld Boston next year and I want…
A: Um… I… hate to be the one to tell you but Macworld Boston’s dead, dude. Not gonna happen.
Q: Oh. Oh. OK. Well… anyway, I’m going to MacHack next year and…
A: MacHack? Are you kidding? That’s even deader.
Q: Whaaat? Pff. C’mon. Next thing you’re going to tell me that Apple ][ Con 2006 is cancelled!
A: I… I don’t even think there ever was an Apple ][ Con.
Q: Oh. Then what have I been going to every year since 1978?
A: Um… Burning Man?
Q: Well… maybe. That would explain the nudity.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Space left blank says:

    First yet again. It feels sweet.

  2. Ace Deuce says:

    And it was so funny I forgot to laugh.

  3. Zach says:

    Funny stuff, funny stuff.

  4. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    Apple ][ fest: http://www.kfest.org/

    Can you feel the energy? The passion? The arthritic knees?

  5. OverclockedLemon says:

    Sounds like fun to me!

  6. madogdidit says:


    The highest I got I think

  7. francsapa says:

    first nineth!!!

  8. francsapa says:

    second nineth!!!!

    and i’m laughin’ in the inside

  9. Gordon Charlton says:

    Thanks for the kfest link.

    The gallery (www.kfest.org/gallery/) is weird. More people (431) have viewed the 1996 photo album than have viewed the 1997 album (416)

    Guess which one has no photos in it whatsoever!


  10. Disgusted Col Retd says:


    I fully support the complaint about music less nanoPods. I’ve also had similar problems with iFlame, where the device is supplied without fuel.

    Whilst on the North West Frontier back in 1873, any private not having his flame-thrower fully fuelled at all times was taken out and shot. There were local difficulties as sometimes the Pathans shot these miscreants before the firing squad was able to, a clear breach of Queen’s Regulations.

    The world would be a better place if the purveyors of these shoddy goods be dealt with in a similar manner.

    Disgusted Col Retd.

  11. Mistertea says:

    Err, isnt Macworld Boston still going?


    July 10-13 2006…

    You lied to me, you’ve lied to the 12″ powerbook guy, and you’ve lied to the world. I hope you’re satisfied…

  12. scared monster says:

    @kfest:This album contains 0 items

    This album has been viewed 108 times since 07/31/05.


    I got an real question: does that mean that nudity isn’t the regular way of using a PowerBook? That would explain the complaints…

  13. iBode says:

    I write anti-anti-fan fiction.

  14. Mistertea says:

    Well now I just dont know what to think…

    my world has been turned upside down

  15. jp says:

    Miss Tertea,

    You called the CARS staff liars. Upon being corrected your only response is that your “…world is turned upside down”?

    Col. Retard,

    Please, teach Miss Tertea a lesson in manners.

    Thank you.


  16. Del says:


    There was always pleanty of Nudity in the Mega-Post.

  17. scared monster says:

    Let’s all get naked!!!

    NOW!!!!!! YES!!!!! NAKED!!!! OOOOOOH!!!!!

  18. scared monster says:

    That was a comment, wasn’t it?

  19. Mistertea says:

    He maybe retarded but at least he has reached the rank of Colonel…you couldn’t even get a proper name, let alone a rank.

    And i stand by my original claim, pretending to cancel Macworld Boston is just a cunning plan to try to lower the attendence. With Apple not being there it was packed to bursting last year, and the air conditioning bill was outrageous.

  20. Anonymous says:

    Miss Tertea,

    You are right, I apologize. I should not just believe everything I read on this site; sometimes the rumors here turn out not to be, in fact, true.

    Also, I totally respect the Col.

    That said, Mademoiselle Tertea, please join Sacred Monster in increasing the nudity in this comment section.

  21. Anonymous says:

    I’m posting this with no pants on.

    But, that’s only because I can’t seem to find them.

    …and I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with my recent purchase of an iFlame.


  22. iBode says:

    Dear Mr. and Mrs. Tea (or what ever it is now) –

    The Distinguished Disgusted Colonel is not retarded. He is RETIRED.

    I’m am sure that if he were here, he’d have you taken out and shot.

  23. iBode says:

    I apologize for the double “am” as “I’m” is the contraction of “I am.”

    I deserve to be shot also.


  24. jp says:

    Apologies Col.

    Yes, Retired makes a lot more sense.

    And apologies to you Mistertea. I get it. You are not Miss Tertea, nor Mr. T, but Mister Tea. That makes more sense too.

    And also apologies to you Mr. or Ms. iBode. Your act of kindness in correcting my inadvertent rudeness has nearly gotten you shot.

    In summary, I hope all cleared up now.

    Now, can we get back to using the word “naked”?

  25. Del says:

    Naked and iFlame in the same sentance seems dangerous, but hey I’m up for it if you are.

    Everyone naked in the gigapost!

  26. Ace Deuce says:

    Oh Del,

    Clarus the dogcow is naked. Does that count?

    And I’ve heard a number of naked people described as “flamin'” or “flamers”–is that what you’re talking about? Is that the big market for the iFlame?

    My only only experience with flamethrowers has been in Marathon and Halo, and I assure you I was well protected, as were those whom I burnt to a crisp.

  27. iBode says:

    To clear things up, I’m a male, as you can clearly see, because I’m naked.

  28. jinzo012 says:

    I want to have sex with the entity SOOOOOOOOOOO BAD!

  29. 2ubesock Shakur says:

    But perhaps there are those of us, who, once naked and shed of all our manly trappings, long for the silken caress of a camisole or a lacey girlish underthing – perhaps there is a market for the iPod Trano?

  30. Gordon Charlton says:

    Gosh darn it to heck you lot. Why’d you have to go and mention Apple ][ cons.

    You led me to follow links. Always a bad sign. Now I have a virtual Apple //e on my iBook running the best ladders and platforms game, perhaps the best game of any kind featuring a little naked man running around, ever – Loderunner.

    Now, despite myself, I’m having a [shudder] good time.

    Why’d you do it guys? Why oh why oh why?

  31. Anonymous says:

    iPod Trano? That’s hilarious!

  32. CARS anti-fan says:

    “The Unbelievable Gayness of Masako”

    No wait.

    “The Unbelievable Power of the Entity”


    “The Unbelievable Stench of Howard”

    This isn’t working…

    “The Unbelievable Hunkiness of Thor”

    Damn it!

    “The Unbelievable Lameness of Chet.”

    There we go. Shew.

  33. iBode (the pirate) says:

    Avast Ye! It be International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

    And this pirate be likin’ Loderunnner.

  34. [oh, thank you, http://www.talklikeapirate.com/howto.html !!!]

    Arrrgh, matey! Avast ye’ lovers of LR, LR2 and LoadRunner: The Legend Returns (I have it on Mac *AND* on Playstation, booya!!! And C64 to Gameboy for the original, can someone send me the Timex Z80 version?)

    Ahoy and scurvy, some bilge rat, goes by the name o’ Jobs, sent me and me mates a cease and desist letter, arrrrrghhhh!!! Now I’ve got to stop flying the Jolly Roger and also must stop calling new devices “iPod-Killers” and change that to “iKiller”, which really chaps me bung hole, curse the black spot, Jim me lad. I’d love to drop anchor in your lagoon. What the *hell* was that for? How’d you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder? Okay, I’m all pirated out now.

    Arrgh! [one for the road!]

  35. iBode (still a pirate) says:


    Stake yer claim, boys.

    Mark ye territory.

    I be raidin’ around thee Twin Cities area.

    Billy “Bones” Gates be operating around thee Silicon Valley.

  36. Dreadfully iPosh says:

    Chaps, Chaps, Chaps,

    Real pirates did not speak like that, they used received pronunciation with a stiff upper lip. It is all Hollywood twaddle. Can you imagine Sir Francis Drake saying “Hog-straddle me iPod”?

    Next you’ll be insisting that Gregory Peck said “Nope” and “Yep”, when everyone knows he is a deaf mute like Steven Jobs Esq.

  37. Ace Deuce says:

    No diction affliction needed to talk like a pirate. It’s what one says, not how it’s said.

    For example, a pirate might say, “Let’s pull alongside that yacht, hop aboard and rip off some jewelry or radar equipment.”

    But a pirate would never say “I’ll buy that Dell box there, and get an extended warranty while I’m at it.”

    Nor would a pirate say, “It gives me a good feeling to know the musicians get a cut, however small. when I purchase music through iTunes.”

    Drink enough rum, though, and you’ll soon mangle the language properly, like the pimp down in Old Town who said “Yo, ‘ho’!”