Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I am a writer looking for an application that will organize the various pieces I write and allow for me to quickly format them for publishing to the web. Is there something that will do that?
A: Oh, you’re a writer?
Q: Um, well, yes.
A: What do you write?
Q: I write anti-fan fiction.
A: “Anti-fan fiction”? What’s that?
Q: Oh, it’s a burgeoning field. You pick a television show or a book you really don’t like and you write something based in that universe that accentuates how stupid it is.
A: Oh. Wow.
Q: Yeah. For instance my most recent piece was Lord of the Rings anti-fan fict. I called it “The Unbearable Gayness of Beorn”.
A: I see. You know, it seems like a lot of trouble just to make fun of something you don’t like.
Q: Uh-huh. Say, is that an Aragorn action figure on your desk?
A: Um… no. Yes. Shut up.

Q: I just got myself a brand spankin’ new iPod nano!
A: No WAY!
Q: WAY! And you know what I’m going to do?
A: What?! What?!
Q: I’m going to listen to it!
Q: OK! I will! Here I go! OK, plugging in the headphones… putting the buds in my ears and… turning it on! Um… hmm…
A: What? What is it?
Q: There’s… there’s no music on it.
A: What? There’s no music on it?
Q: No. Nothing. No music at all.
A: What?! You mean you have to supply your own music?! That is such crap!
Q: I know. I know. I mean… where the hell is the music?
A: Ah, man. I can’t believe it’s such a ripoff! It looks so good in the ads…
Q: I know…

Q: I have a 12″ PowerBook that I’m going to take to Macworld Boston next year and I want…
A: Um… I… hate to be the one to tell you but Macworld Boston’s dead, dude. Not gonna happen.
Q: Oh. Oh. OK. Well… anyway, I’m going to MacHack next year and…
A: MacHack? Are you kidding? That’s even deader.
Q: Whaaat? Pff. C’mon. Next thing you’re going to tell me that Apple ][ Con 2006 is cancelled!
A: I… I don’t even think there ever was an Apple ][ Con.
Q: Oh. Then what have I been going to every year since 1978?
A: Um… Burning Man?
Q: Well… maybe. That would explain the nudity.