23 Sep 05Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I have an iMac that and everything was working fine until two weeks ago when I started having problems in Safari. It crashes all the time now. And I know I have enough memory because I just installed some new RAM. Man, Safari is just a piece of crap! I’m thinking of switching to Firefox.
A: Well, when did you install the new RAM?
Q: Two weeks ago.
A: And have you been having trouble in any other applications?
Q: Oh, jeez, don’t get me started! Photoshop crashes all the time, Mail crashes all the time, iTunes crashes all the time…
A: Well, I don’t think your problem is Safari then. I think it’s the RAM.
Q: What? Are you stupid or something? It’s a software application so it’s a software problem.
A: Uh… but the software runs on the hardware.
Q: What? What? No. The hardware’s like a TV. The software runs someplace in, like, New York or something.
A: Uh… well… uh…
UGLUK: You want me hit him on head with club?
A: Oh, god, yes please.

Q: My PowerBook has been acting up. I try to treat it right, but… I don’t know. I think it expects too much of me. What should I do?
A: Wha…? Expects too much of you? It’s a PowerBook. PowerBooks are holy, pure creatures. Whatever they expect of you, you should give them.
Q: I know. I just wasn’t expecting this much commitment.
A: Commitment? Commitment? Look, unless you’re Jennifer fricking Connelly you should get down on you knees and thank the gods you’re lucky enough to have a PowerBook.
Q: Jennifer…? I’m… I’m a dude.
A: Exactly. You’re a dude. You’re not Jennifer fricking Connelly. You’re a dude. A hairy, smelly… dude. You’re lucky to have a PowerBook.
Q: Um. OK. Uh… thanks.
A: Man, I tell you what. Some of the people you have to deal with in this job…
A: Ooh, yes, please!

Q: I’m a little concerned. I have a Mac and… well… I’ve been treating it like crap. And I’m not Jennifer fricking Connelly either. Am I in some kind of trouble?
A: That depends. That all depends. And how you answer this question will very much impact your social standing in the Mac community from now on. What kind of Mac was it?
Q: Um… well… um… it was an eMac.
A: Oh! Pff! An eMac! Ha-ha! Ooh, don’t worry about that! That’s hardly even a Mac!
Q: Oh! Ha-ha!
A: Oh, yeah! You can install all the Microsoft apps you can find, never back up, don’t repair permissions… I mean, really, it’s barely even a Mac. It’s closer to a PC.
Q: Oh, phew! Thanks!
A: Ha-ha! “eMac”! Ahhhh…
MASAKO YAMAMOTO: Um… I was about to leave but… I thought I should tell you… the building’s on fire.
A: Oh, sheesh. Not again.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Anonymous says:

    wow it’s a help desk

  2. Ace Deuce says:


  3. nxxx says:

    Does this mean I’ve got to take my mini to church on Sunday? If so, which sect?

    Think I’ll go back to the Dell.

  4. Ace Deuce says:

    Finally other CARS staff are strutting their stuff. Long overdue.

    More cameos, please.

  5. Zeb says:

    Mmmmmmm, Jennifer Connelly…grglgrglgrglgrgl….

    slurpy sixth!

  6. eMac owner says:

    No more discrimination against eMacs! Join the eMac equal rights group!

  7. 2000guitars says:

    How does he know I’m hairy and smelly?

    Good guess, I suppose.

  8. vxx says:

    setting up for………….

  9. martin Andresen says:


  10. Step says:


    ok. I feel better now. a little.

  11. Step says:

    And by the way, I wish I had an assistant like Uglok when talking to my customers. Boy, there’s a few I’d have him whack over the head! Whoo-boy, yeah!

  12. nxxx says:


    The poor boy has enough problems with speaking now, so try not to confuse him, it is Ugluk.

    BTW Any relation to Step we gaily as we go

    Heel for heel and toe for toe

    (disappears into distance dancing and playing the war pipes och aye)

  13. dudeman says:


  14. Paul says:

    Hey! I use an eMac! And… YOUR MOM uses an eMac!

  15. Under-20-th! Arrr!

    I mean, Yeah!

  16. I’m Jennifer Connelly.

    CARS posters, join your computers in worshiping me.

  17. iBode says:

    What about Howard the Talking Dog?

    C’mon, the poor guy never gets any attention.

    You put up the pictures he takes, and now you won’t even include him in a cameo article. In fact, he’s almost never mentioned.

    You’d treat him better, before he decides he’d be more appreciated at Think Secret.

  18. jp says:


    remember me?

    once I posted “ichi?” and you replied “yes, you are saisho”.

    that was great. i loved that.

    are you really, really, sure you like chicks?

  19. UhhhDude says:

    Masako, marry me. Or else, grab Ugluk’s club and bash me over the head.

    Either way, I’ll be honored.

  20. I’ll be honored if either one of you fine young men give me

    A. Howard the talking dog


    B. A healthy batch of Singapore Airlines Lovin’ um hm you know what I’m sayin’

  21. alex says:

    hey! i own an eMac! ass.

  22. Steve Jobs says:


    YOUR MOM!!

    is hot

  23. iBode says:

    Steve, your wife is hot.

  24. iBode says:

    And so is Howard the Talking Dog.

  25. iHumanSky says:

    OMG, no one claimed first, take that Jennifer!!!!


    now, back to my eMac

  26. bobob says:

    any idiot that doesnt know what a powerbook can do is an idiot after all mine lives in my backpack and goes everywhere with me including skateboarding have not a problem or fear any lesser laptop would be parts by now

    and you mini should be in a catholic church

    for mac knows no sin unless it has microsloth software on it

  27. Del says:

    I want to say right now that the increase in fires at CARS has nothing to do with my increase in iFlame sales and production.

    (All of you interested in an iFlame of your own please visit http://www.crazyapplerumors.com/cgi-bin/mt/first-post.cgi?entry_id=550 we have many nice models to check out and we do rent!)

    Now I know previously iFlame sales were a small part of our Mega-Postian lives, but since the free booze, sexbots, midget sexbots, lesbian midget sexbots, and ninja lesbian midget sexbots are still trapped in the Mega-Post I’m bored and have stepped up iFlame production.

  28. nxxx says:


    How about loaning out a few iFlames as it is 19:48 here in the UK and no Monday posting.

    We need your co-operation in the great



  29. Psyko says:

    G5 Power!!!!!!!