Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I have an iMac that and everything was working fine until two weeks ago when I started having problems in Safari. It crashes all the time now. And I know I have enough memory because I just installed some new RAM. Man, Safari is just a piece of crap! I’m thinking of switching to Firefox.
A: Well, when did you install the new RAM?
Q: Two weeks ago.
A: And have you been having trouble in any other applications?
Q: Oh, jeez, don’t get me started! Photoshop crashes all the time, Mail crashes all the time, iTunes crashes all the time…
A: Well, I don’t think your problem is Safari then. I think it’s the RAM.
Q: What? Are you stupid or something? It’s a software application so it’s a software problem.
A: Uh… but the software runs on the hardware.
Q: What? What? No. The hardware’s like a TV. The software runs someplace in, like, New York or something.
A: Uh… well… uh…
UGLUK: You want me hit him on head with club?
A: Oh, god, yes please.

Q: My PowerBook has been acting up. I try to treat it right, but… I don’t know. I think it expects too much of me. What should I do?
A: Wha…? Expects too much of you? It’s a PowerBook. PowerBooks are holy, pure creatures. Whatever they expect of you, you should give them.
Q: I know. I just wasn’t expecting this much commitment.
A: Commitment? Commitment? Look, unless you’re Jennifer fricking Connelly you should get down on you knees and thank the gods you’re lucky enough to have a PowerBook.
Q: Jennifer…? I’m… I’m a dude.
A: Exactly. You’re a dude. You’re not Jennifer fricking Connelly. You’re a dude. A hairy, smelly… dude. You’re lucky to have a PowerBook.
Q: Um. OK. Uh… thanks.
A: Man, I tell you what. Some of the people you have to deal with in this job…
A: Ooh, yes, please!

Q: I’m a little concerned. I have a Mac and… well… I’ve been treating it like crap. And I’m not Jennifer fricking Connelly either. Am I in some kind of trouble?
A: That depends. That all depends. And how you answer this question will very much impact your social standing in the Mac community from now on. What kind of Mac was it?
Q: Um… well… um… it was an eMac.
A: Oh! Pff! An eMac! Ha-ha! Ooh, don’t worry about that! That’s hardly even a Mac!
Q: Oh! Ha-ha!
A: Oh, yeah! You can install all the Microsoft apps you can find, never back up, don’t repair permissions… I mean, really, it’s barely even a Mac. It’s closer to a PC.
Q: Oh, phew! Thanks!
A: Ha-ha! “eMac”! Ahhhh…
MASAKO YAMAMOTO: Um… I was about to leave but… I thought I should tell you… the building’s on fire.
A: Oh, sheesh. Not again.