22 Sep 05Apple To Open Stores Within Apple Stores.

In a sign that the company continues to struggle with retail, Apple announced surprising plans today to open a line of stores within Apple Stores.

According to a press release, the company will set up a more total Apple experience within the Apple Stores that is more in line with its values.

“We weren’t happy with the level of customer service we were getting from these so-called ‘Mac Specialists’, said Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson. “Really, I mean I don’t know who came up with that title. And don’t get me started on ‘Genius’. Pff. Right.

“So we decided to cut out the middleman and go directly to the customer. Um… again.”

Starting in January, Apple will begin the process of constructing its stores within Apple Stores, provided negotiations with itself proceed without incident. That, strangely, is not a certainty.

“We’ve been extremely difficult with ourselves,” Johnson said. “I, personally, have been sending just about every item I review back to myself with nit-picking changes. Everything from the color of the shelves to the shoelaces on the staff’s shoes.

“I’m such an ass. I hate working with me.”

If the store within an Apple Store is not successful, the company has indicated that it may be forced to “go all recursive on its own ass” and open up a store within a store within an Apple Store.

“I don’t care how many levels down I have to go,” said CEO Steve Jobs. “I’m going to get it just right.”

No Responses to “Apple To Open Stores Within Apple Stores.”

  1. Zeb says:


  2. Zeb says:

    Store in a store? Well, you wear underpants under your pants don’t ya? Ummm, errrr, well most of you do. Then again, ah fuhgettit!

    Oh and uh, SECOND!!!!

  3. Fate says:


  4. UhhhDude says:

    Four, within a fourth.

  5. Huck says:

    Nice fourth within a fifth there, Appletweak. Clearly this so-called “CARS Poster” thing isn’t working out. It looks like we need to install a poster within a CARS Poster.

  6. yoh says:

    oh oh 7th ir was

  7. Huck says:


    Have you ever made fun of someone for something, and before you even finished the sentence, you’d made the same mistake?

    Well, I never have, I was just curious if you guys had.

    (sorry appleswitch)

  8. jp says:

    I’m not convinced the store within a store is a good idea. It kind of seems like a waste of money.

  9. jp says:

    ichi ichi.

  10. John Moltz says:

    Speaking of Ichi, I saw tonight he’s hitting .300.

    What the fuck’s up with *that*? Gah.

  11. p says:

    That’s bullshit. That’s what the fuck’s up with that. That little alien freak of nature better get pick it up soon or the M’s are not going to make it to the post season.

    What’s that?


    .300 is pretty good though.

  12. not jp says:

    Maybe it was “store [things] within a store.” That may work.

  13. nxxx says:

    Big Apple stores have small Apple stores

    inside to bite ’em,

    and smaller store have smaller stores

    and so on, ad infinitum.

    That’s cured the employment problem!

  14. Dezro says:

    Now, if they did the Apple Store in an Apple Store in an Apple Store in the old Apple “store within a store” at CompUSA.

    That would be awesome.

  15. fiko says:

    WTF is Ichi? What is hitting .300?

    It’s not cricket keeping us poor Europeans confused.

    Moltz, do something before the Colonel gets to hear about it.

  16. Gordon Charlton says:

    Arnold Schwarzenegger playing the role of Marie Antoinette.

    “Eat cake, asshole”


  17. wormy says:

    Store within a store…Apples have worms. Wouldn’t Apple want worms witin an Apple Store…That keeps with tradition.

    Um…tequila has worms, maybe the “genius bar” will be serving shots while they hopelessly play…er…fix your computer.

  18. Streetrabbit says:

    Soon there’ll be an Apple Store on every mantlepiece.


  19. Paul says:

    What we really need is a rumor within a rumor!

  20. Del says:

    I heard the Mini-Apple Store within a store was just going to sell Apple’s smaller products that get lost within the main store.

    They will sell iPod Nano, iPod Shuffle, Mac Mini, and Midget Sexbots.

    I know the Midget Sexbots have not been announced yet, but we’d be testing them in the Mega-Post for about a year and they are ready for Prime Time.

  21. 2000guitars says:

    What we really need is to open a new Mega-Post within the old Mega-Post. Then it would be open again.

    That would prove to be much more popular than your so-called “Giga-Post”

  22. Post within a post says:

    PO post ST

  23. Ace Deuce says:

    The problem with the Russian Nesting Doll model of retail is that in the innermost sanctum, the customers spend all their time searching for the next level down.

    Instead, Apple should create a “Store Without a Store.” Enough iterations and the known universe would be included. Problem is, at closing time they kick us all out, so this would have to be a 24-hour store.

  24. Clive says:

    What say all that we each send Moltz a dime so he can kill that blag dern animated gif thats making me go blind. (please excuse my typos if I’ve made any…I CANT SEE WHAT I’M TYPING! waaaa, haaa, haaaa)

  25. rumorous says:

    I hear that Moltz is evacuating! He’s going, by the way, on Steve Jobs’ secret island.

  26. iBode says:

    Moltz, control your childish use of thhe f-word.

    We’ve discussed this before.

    Don’t make me Skype your mommy.

  27. iBode says:

    And I’m hoping that there’s a Friday help desk within a Friday help desk.

    The regular ones just don’t cut it anymore.

  28. Mario 'Fingers' Morelli says:


    Sttttop sttttuttttering or I’ll Skype your Mum.

  29. Citizen Of Trantor says:

    The iPod Quantum – You just have to think about a song, and it appears in your mind.

  30. I'll Sue You Guy says:

    I hold the patent for that so if Apple wants to do that they owe me a royalty

  31. Ahnyer Keester says:

    So, no, wait. This store in a store thing is excellent. That means that I could walk into an Apple Store and buy an Apple Store to take home with me. I mean you go to the store to buy the stuff in the store, right?

    This is cool. I could be my own Apple Genius! Except that I’m pretty cluesess, especially about OS 9. I’d probably wind up punching my own lights up when I tell me to do something that dorks up my own Powerbook. Ah, who am I kidding, that’s what I get for being stupid enough to listen to anything I say anyway.

  32. NC says:

    Not bad, but I was kinda diasspointed…The Onion has already done the exact same thing, but with Starbucks.


    Everything else has been great! I enjoy checking this site every day (alright, I use RSS, so not every day) for updates.

  33. “Don’t make me Skype your mommy.”

    HA! ooooooooh, *BURN*!!!!

    The Apple Store of Whoville fits neatly atop the head of a pin.