11 Oct 05Apple Disappoints Wall Street Yet Again.


Apple reported record revenue and earnings today for its fiscal fourth quarter ending September 30th. Mac sales soared by 48 percent and iPod sales grew by 220 percent year over year.

Despite the astounding results, Apple again disappointed Wall Street analysts who had high expectations for iPod sales.

“Sadly, Apple did not sell nine billion kajillion iPods as I predicted they would,” said Javier Perone, an analyst at Deutsche Bank.

When Perone issued his prediction that the company would sell nine billion kajillion iPods in the fourth quarter back in August, analysts at Morgan Stanley believed it to be timid.

“Our target was nine billion kajillion plus infinity,” said Neil Savino, an analyst at the firm.

“Sadly, Apple has underperformed again.”

Among the other predictions Wall Street analysts had for Apple’s fourth quarter:

  • The iPod “halo effect” would go into overdrive, with each iPod purchase resulting in the purchase of 17 Macs and, for some reason, another iPod, creating a recursive purchasing cycle.
  • Steve Jobs would find a tree that produces magical apples which he would eat, turning himself into a golden god, 100 feet tall and with power over all the elements.
  • Apple competitor Michael Dell would poop his pants at an industry trade show and subsequently be shunned throughout the technology industry and referred to henceforth only as Mr. Poopy Pants. All Dell computers would have to be re-branded as “Poopy Pants”, resulting in a catastrophic drop in market share as who wants to own a computer called the Poopy Pants Dimension?

“And yet, none of these came to pass,” Savino noted, holding up the palms of both hands and feigning sadness by sticking out his lower lip.

“I hate to give Apple a rating of ‘Underperform’…” Savino said, hovering a rubber stamp marked ‘Underperform’ over Apple’s report.

Before stamping it firmly.

“So sad…” Savino said, shaking his head and doing that annoying thing with his lip again.

46 Responses to “Apple Disappoints Wall Street Yet Again.”

  1. Senator K says:

    Foist?!

  2. ADM says:

    2nd.

    OMG OMG OMG!

  3. Anonymous says:

    secong

  4. iBode says:

    nine billion kajillion plus infinity!

    Mr. Poopy Pants!! The immaturity! I can’t stop laughing!

  5. georgeplimpton says:

    nice one moltz. I give it a 7 on the nearly pooped my pants scale.

  6. YabbaDabbaDoo says:

    8thest. Poopy poopy pants.

  7. Anonymous says:

    nine is nice.

    poopy-pants are not.

  8. Krabappel's son says:

    I’m so disappointed by this post. It is not a mega post, is it ? I’d crap my pants for a mega post.

  9. Psyko says:

    Hmm, it is sad to think that somebody could get first so close to the posting time when it was posted so early.

    Senator K must be the type of person that waits in like at theators days in advance.

    11

    MARK

  10. Psyko says:

    BTW, the only reason I am posting so far before the usual post time is because I am tired and figured I would get one last post in before the sleepy time. (Yeah, I got out of bed to clear that up.)

    MARK

  11. Zeb says:

    So your saying it doesn’t pay to be labeled Mr. Poopy Pants? Shucks, I made a concerted effort to improve my Mr. Toilet Paper Stuck to Shoe title.

    Got a call in to Mr. Rove for a damage control campaign.

    errr, teensish

  12. 2000guitars says:

    Pants beats No Pants.

    No Pants beats Poopy Pants.

    Poopy Pants are sometimes inevitable.

    Just ask anyone what Sharting is.

  13. Huh? says:

    I thought Steve was already a 100ft tall golden god…

    Oh well.

    My pants are not poopy.

    moo

  14. Mr. Poopy Pants says:

    I’m quite upset that anyone would slander my good name by comparing me to Michael Dell.

  15. BlueStarr says:

    This makes my post fist, in Bizarro’s world.

    Sorry guys/gals.

  16. BlueStarr says:

    This makes my post fist, in Bizarro’s world.

    Sorry guys/gals.

  17. UhhhDude says:

    I’m also doing that annoying thing with my lip. (Underperform!)

    See? I’m doing it again! (Underperform!)

    There I go again! I…(sniffs the air)…

    Excuse me. Gotta go check my pants.

  18. Gordon Charlton says:

    Just got my nano lanyard. Bit itchy around the back of my neck. Think I need a turtleneck. Black would show off a white nano nicely. Looks good with jeans too. That would be insanely great.

    Aaagh! I’m turning into a Steve Clone.

    Cut to the forthcoming announcement:

    “And one more thing…

    “Now I will activate the super-secret hypno-beam in every iPod. You are all my zombie death slaves. Mwa-haa-haa-haaaaaaaaaa! Destroy Mr Poopy Pants. Attack in fits and starts until he sharts.”

    Gordon C

  19. iBode says:

    Hey-

    Where can you get one of those underperform stamps?

    Archiver’s?

    I want one!

  20. Nxxx says:

    I was so disappointed by Apple’s under performance that the doctor had to be called complete with defibrillator. Only now, many hours later have I summoned up enough energy to post KILL JOBS>

  21. Señor Schtinky Pants says:

    Come to think of it, who wants a computer called the Dell Dimension?

  22. Del says:

    I actually quite like my Del Dimension. It has a good mix of zany antics and gadgets. Plus there are free super-imax theaters showing Serenity/Firefly, Invader Zim, and Wallace and Gromit 24/7.

  23. iHumanSky says:

    Poopy Pants, underperform, underlips??? What are we doing here people. Ohh and “Magical Apples” is a conundrum.

    Don’t mess with the 100 ft tall golden god…must…buy…another…Mac!!!!!

    -iHumanSky

  24. Gordon Charlton says:

    It’s an anagram of “clamp a gas pile”.

    Is that a sharting reference?

  25. Abe Lincolnlogski says:

    I was expecting to read this story and die laughing, well it was very very funny, but I’m still alive.

    ** U N D E R P E R F O R M **

    sorry Moltz

    *Change “4th” in the fifth post to “5th”, that is all

    -Abe

  26. Morlock says:

    Okay, I’ve just arrived from the future. Us Morlocks look back to this time as the pivitol pointin history where the future of the world was determined. Turning on this one single event, Steve Jobs announced what was to be the seminal (not that you perv.) event that lead to nuclear conflagration and the decline of Western AND Eastern Civilization.

    The only ones left with any memory of the past is us Morlocks.

    But it’s not too late! You can change the future by every single one of you buying this new product that is to be announced today. Actually, there will be two products announced that could change the world. One for the better, and one to its utter dissolution! You must choose correctly!

    If you order it today, this very day, Oct 12, 2005, you’ll save the world. If you order the other product, you will condemn it. Okay? Got that straight? Take it from me, in spite of the fact that I’m a horrible cannibal hominid from the future (not unlike The Entity, only with a healthy appetite) I know what I’m taking about.

    Okay, so here’s the product to buy: It’s a…

    Oh no! An Eloi has come to stop me from revealing the truth so that future can be as it should be. Stop! Leave me alone! I have to tell them what they need to know to save the world from this terrible thing it has become for us! No, ugh! Ah!!!!

    People of earth, the product to buy is…>>

  27. Prudent says:

    Would that be an ‘Underweight’ or an Overweight’ stamp?

  28. dafalcon says:

    The product to buy is the iMac with remote control. Surprised that it isn’t the video iPod? The back-story is long and complicated and I won’t get into it, but rest assured that if you all bought a video iPod, “utter dissolution” would follow. Instead, you must all buy an iMac with a remote control.

    Go.

  29. Nxxx says:

    datacom,

    I’ve already got a remote control iMac. I shout at the missus and she presses the right buttons. Hm. More beer.

  30. viddy says:

    video ipod

  31. Del says:

    I already have a remote controlled PowerBook. It’s called speakable items, though it tells the WORST knock knock jokes.

  32. Psyko says:

    Del, they are really funny if you just lower you intelligence level a few (thousand) notches first.

    MARK

    I think a PC user wrote them.

    MARK

  33. Ahnyer Keester says:

    REDMOND, Calif. (NFW) – Microsoft (News – Quote) announced a special edition of its best selling Microsoft Office suite of productivity tools to coincide with Dell Computer’s (News – Quote) release of the new Poopy Pants Dimension PC. Microsoft has reintroduced the Office Assistant and replaced their previous mascot with one specially designed for the Dell. “Come on!!!! Give it up for meeeee!!!” screamed Microsoft CEO Steve Balmer for no apparent reason.

    A spokesman who preferred to remain anonymous after Balmer’s unplanned outburst said that the new Office Assistant would be named Wipee™, a cute, animated roll of toilet paper. “Wipee™ is there to help users with full britches get the most out of their Poopy Pants and Office experience. To use both products to enhance their productivity.” The unnamed spokesman said before quitting Microsoft emigrating to Canada.

    Microsoft Office Poopy Pants Edition will ship with the Poopy Pants Dimension and will sell separately for ¤4,3F5.11½.

  34. remote says:

    theres a neat program called ivoice that actually seems to work.

  35. sorry says:

    sorry, the program is called i listen.

  36. Don't Listen To Him Guy says:

    Don’t listen to him.

  37. Gordon Charlton says:

    Can I just say:

    New iMac G5 + frontrow = Insanely Great Big iPod.

    Mark my words, it’s full of dwarfs.

  38. Psyko says:

    I like the remote.

    MARK

  39. Zeb says:

    Thanks god those friggin’ cricket posts have gone away. I noticed I cower as I scroll down the comments fearful of their return.

    ahhhhhhhhhhh…

  40. iBode says:

    Screw the world!

    I shall buy a new iPod!!

    And it will be black, like the abyss that will consume us all!!!!

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  41. iBode says:

    Oh, actually, the only thing we can’t buy are any “That’s so Raven” episodes.

    Surely purchases of those shows would reveal the decline of civilization as we know it.

  42. Anonymous says:

    “REDMOND, Calif. (NFW) – Microsoft (News – Quote)”

    Um . . . er . . . well, it’s Redmond, Washington.