12 Oct 05Apple Releases Video-Capable iPod – More Coming.


As predicted and then unpredicted and then re-predicted by the rumor sites, Apple today announced a video-capable iPod and the ability to download video content from the iTunes Music Store.

What has gone unreported to date, however, is Apple’s ultimate strategy for providing content for its new store and hardware. While the company has temporarily partnered with ABC and Disney (as well as Pixar), Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Apple has ultimate designs on creating the content itself, turning the company into a giant entertainment monopoly.

CARS has learned the flagship show the company will build its new empire around is, from all appearances, a sure-fire winner.

Combining the tawdry sensuality of Desperate Housewives, the action of 24 and the hipness of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Apple will present:

Lesbian Ninja Sexbot Theatre.

Do not adjust your television sets, it’s:

Lesbian Ninja Sexbot Theatre.

While few in the company even yet know about Lesbian Ninja Sexbot Theatre, a secret group has begun pre-production for filming in 2006.

According to a source familiar with the project, it will leverage the following:

  • Apple’s reputation for producing a quality product.
  • The ongoing buzz around the potential that the company will produce robots that people can have sex with.
  • America’s love affair with lesbians.
  • The fact that ninjas are boss.

Also, Apple is reportedly determined to not have any sassy youngster characters because people can’t stand them.

While the thought of watching an action/adventure show featuring lesbian ninja sexbots on a 2.5 inch display may not seem worthwhile, customers would do well to remind themselves that they are getting to watch an action/adventure show featuring lesbian ninja sexbots on something, and they really can’t afford to be so picky.

More on this exciting new Apple project as details are semi-confirmed.

29 Responses to “Apple Releases Video-Capable iPod – More Coming.”

  1. Josh says:

    Can I really be … FIRST??? Doubtful.

  2. Josh says:

    Yes! And I even read the article! I am BOSSER THAN A NINJA!

  3. Liam Yore says:

    >

    Josh slumps over, mysteriously decapitated

  4. Zeb says:

    Third is quite a score. Bronze!

  5. Nxxx says:

    Everyone,

    I’m not sure that Lesbian Ninja Sexbot Theatre will look cool enough except in Apple White. And will we have to shave bald spots into our heads to watch and look cool. Will Apple add cataract correction software to the package.

  6. Zeb says:

    Ah poopy pants, I can NOT type in the dark…plplplplpl

    lesbian

    ninja

    sexbots

    that are latex clad and small in stature

  7. vxx says:

    a very visual 7?

  8. 2000guitars says:

    America has a love affair with lesbians? Does that make America lesbian?

    Or bicurious?

  9. ken says:

    Next time you want to remark on the bossitude of ninjas, you should link to http://www.drmcninja.com/.

  10. ho bag says:

    I used to be John Moltz. 10.

  11. OverclockedLemon says:

    ‘leventh.

  12. Sassy Youngster Anti-Defamation League says:

    Like, whatever, Grandpa! As if old people had a clue. Duh!

  13. Krabappel's son says:

    Yeah, sexbots at last. Wall Street will go wild!!!

  14. Ace Deuce says:

    The Ridley Scott TV ad for the Poopy Pants Dimension is now available for download from iTunes. It outperformed the original Mac ad by never being shown on broadcast television. Top that, Apple!

  15. Eman says:

    first appleturns comes back to life, then video iPods, wonders never cease

  16. Streetrabbit says:

    I’m so excited. The thought of watching video on a handheld device has got me all…well you know that feeling you get just before you pooh your….uhm…yes excited, I’m so excited I’m going to rush out and buy a PSP.

    Why?

    Size.

    Don’t be deceived, whatever anyone tells you size matters.

    I’m getting myself 4.3 inches of goodness baby!

    CWWOOORRRR!!

  17. iBode says:

    So…

    Where can we sign up to be extras?

  18. Del says:

    Actually iBode you are going to be in the film. Led was cast a Lesbian Ninja Sexbot #3 months ago. It’s not a big roll, but it’s a strong supporting character.

    From what I’ve read of the script iBode you are going to have a *very* good time in Led’s scenes. I mean front row seat!

  19. Dexter Span says:

    “that are latex clad and small in stature” – Zeb

    You mean Spandex clad, spandex is quieter and more deadly.

    Lesbian Ninja Sexbot in spandex, ya baby!

  20. Sassy Youngster says:

    Aww, why does everybody hate me?

  21. blank says:

    I have it on good authority that the real title of the show is:

    “Lesbian Ninja Sexbot Theatre 5000”

    (that’s 2000 better, you know).

    Please make a note of it. Thank you.

  22. UhhhDude says:

    How about, in addition to no sassy youngsters, we add no pets to the list? Cuz they can be annoying, too.

    Unless, of course, the LNSs need them to, um, advance the plot.

  23. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Can I just say that Dr. McNinja rocks!?! I mean what’s NOT to love about a comic that has a ninja, projectile vomiting, a giant lumber jack, a gorilla AND ghosts?

    BTW, is Judy available? She’s hot.

  24. Anonymous says:

    Now, now… if the sassy young character were a hot girl, and the episode centered around her sassy, defiant attitude being crushed and broken under the stiletto boot heels and electric whips of the sexbots, well, I’d download *that* for a dollar… ninety-nine.

  25. iBode says:

    Wait, if Led is on my back, will I be able to see anything?

  26. Del says:

    4 words for you iBode

    Lesbian Ninja Sexbot Sandwich

  27. Huh? says:

    *psst*

    Del…

    you forgot it’s toasted, too.

    blah, blah, pants, blah.

    moo

  28. Hugh G. Ardon says:

    No way I’m I puttin’ down my cold cash for a LNS – I might be talked into a Bi Ninja Sexbot though.