Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Today the Help Desk answers your questions about Digital Rights Management!
Q: I understand that with Apple’s FairPlay DRM scheme I can burn my music to CDs which I can then rip on another system. However, with video, I can’t view it on any system other than Apple’s. What’s up with that?
A: The problem here is not Apple.
Q: Oh, no?
A: Oh, no. The problem here is the recording industry.
Q: Uh huh.
A: Allow me to elucidate.
Q: Please do.
A: You see, the recording industry is like a great behemoth, that must be sated by human blood. Apple, on the other hand, is but a simple country villager, who would never stand a chance standing up to the… uh… behemoth.
Q: Riiight. Now, help me out here. I’m having trouble with this scenario. See, the villager – Apple – has a stranglehold on the primary new source of distribution for the behemoth’s… uh… whatever behemoths distribute. So, I’m just not seeing it.
A: No, no, no. You’re totally distorting the situation. OK, look, let’s try a different analogy.
A: Apple, you see, is a frightened little bunny…
Q: Yeah, I don’t think so.
Q: I’m extremely interested in the new video iPod, but I’m concerned that it won’t play my existing vast video library.
A: Is it porn?
Q: Oh, no, no, no. Well… yes. But that really shouldn’t enter into it, right?
A: Well, that’s where you’re wrong. See, porn videos send out certain vibrations. These vibrations, when picked up by the brain, are actually what causes arousal. Anyway, most DRM systems key into these vibrations and lock them out so that the video emitting those vibrations isn’t playable.
Q: Oh. Oh! Gosh… that’s… I… I… um… You know, I’ve never heard that before. Are you sure?
A: Reasonably. Listen, you should just get rid of all that dirty, dirty, porn and buy yourself some nice, pre-DRMed Disney material from the ridiculously mislabeled iTunes Music Store.
Q: That doesn’t sound comparable.
A: Oh, it’s not. I… guess I wasn’t clear about that.
Q: You know, I’m not really liking our new DRM overlords.
A: Yes, but you’re a filthy pervert.
Q: Oh, look, it doesn’t even matter that it’s porn!
A: So says the pervert.
Q: You know, I call here every other week and I really don’t know why.
A: It’s because we take your porn-related questions.
Q: OK, I know why! I was just being dramatic!
Q: I have a collection of older movies that are no longer covered under any copyright which I would like to add Apple’s FairPlay DRM to. How would I go about doing that?
A: Uh… you want to DRM videos that are copyright free?
Q: Yes! See, I love DRM! DRM is like a warm blanket! DRM is like a parent watching over you! DRM is like…
A: Are you with the entertainment industry by any chance?
Q: No! No! Uh… I gotta go! [click]
A: Oh, entertainment industry… Will you ever learn?