Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today the Help Desk answers your questions about Digital Rights Management!


Q: I understand that with Apple’s FairPlay DRM scheme I can burn my music to CDs which I can then rip on another system. However, with video, I can’t view it on any system other than Apple’s. What’s up with that?
A: The problem here is not Apple.
Q: Oh, no?
A: Oh, no. The problem here is the recording industry.
Q: Uh huh.
A: Allow me to elucidate.
Q: Please do.
A: You see, the recording industry is like a great behemoth, that must be sated by human blood. Apple, on the other hand, is but a simple country villager, who would never stand a chance standing up to the… uh… behemoth.
Q: Riiight. Now, help me out here. I’m having trouble with this scenario. See, the villager – Apple – has a stranglehold on the primary new source of distribution for the behemoth’s… uh… whatever behemoths distribute. So, I’m just not seeing it.
A: No, no, no. You’re totally distorting the situation. OK, look, let’s try a different analogy.
Q: OK.
A: Apple, you see, is a frightened little bunny…
Q: Yeah, I don’t think so.

Q: I’m extremely interested in the new video iPod, but I’m concerned that it won’t play my existing vast video library.
A: Is it porn?
Q: Oh, no, no, no. Well… yes. But that really shouldn’t enter into it, right?
A: Well, that’s where you’re wrong. See, porn videos send out certain vibrations. These vibrations, when picked up by the brain, are actually what causes arousal. Anyway, most DRM systems key into these vibrations and lock them out so that the video emitting those vibrations isn’t playable.
Q: Oh. Oh! Gosh… that’s… I… I… um… You know, I’ve never heard that before. Are you sure?
A: Reasonably. Listen, you should just get rid of all that dirty, dirty, porn and buy yourself some nice, pre-DRMed Disney material from the ridiculously mislabeled iTunes Music Store.
Q: That doesn’t sound comparable.
A: Oh, it’s not. I… guess I wasn’t clear about that.
Q: You know, I’m not really liking our new DRM overlords.
A: Yes, but you’re a filthy pervert.
Q: Oh, look, it doesn’t even matter that it’s porn!
A: So says the pervert.
Q: You know, I call here every other week and I really don’t know why.
A: It’s because we take your porn-related questions.
Q: OK, I know why! I was just being dramatic!

Q: I have a collection of older movies that are no longer covered under any copyright which I would like to add Apple’s FairPlay DRM to. How would I go about doing that?
A: Uh… you want to DRM videos that are copyright free?
Q: Yes! See, I love DRM! DRM is like a warm blanket! DRM is like a parent watching over you! DRM is like…
A: Are you with the entertainment industry by any chance?
Q: No! No! Uh… I gotta go! [click]
A: Oh, entertainment industry… Will you ever learn?

35 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Bugger. It said Replies (0). Now I’ll have to think of something cool or amusing to say………..hhmmm………yes, no that wont…………Wallace and, no, done that……………think I’ll go for breakfast.

  2. FOURTEENTH!!! But then again, I’m far too mature to pay attention to things like that.

    I like being dramatic! To be dramatic, just end every sentence with an exclamation point! I found this out by checking Yahoo! And you don’t have to wait for every other week to be dramatic!

    No, I’m not the porn caller guy! I’m just very dramatic!

    One more for the road!


    Thanks, I feel dramatic!

  3. Ahnyer Keester,

    Wouldn’t it be more dramatic if you called yourself Ahnyer Keester!?

    How do you end a sentence that demands a question mark with an exclamation mark?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?Oh! Sod it!

  4. “A: Well, that’s where your wrong.”

    Your spelling is wrong. I don’t suppose that you’re going to change that?

  5. Thanks Chris! Their you go, glad your on top of these. These kinds of mistakes make me want to loose my mind rather then kill someone! Their some of the most annoying ones. Its enough to make you nuts. Your all right with me. Here’s you’re grammar merit badge.

  6. I’m just wondering if anyone noticed that I’m running Apple? I’ve got all the power, and Phil gets all the attention. If this doesn’t change, and soon, then you people can all wait an extra week for your iPod nano lanyard headphones.

    I’m not screwing around here! I’ll do it, I swear I will! Steve’s not the only guy at Apple who can be mercurial!

    Ok, I admit. I’m far too conscientious to ever carry out my threat. Still, I’d really like it if you mentioned me more often.



  7. Tim, I’d just like to thank you for fathering the iPod.

    Your children have blessed many people.

    Just curious, though:

    Who’s the mother?

  8. CARS does have it right about the iTunes Music Store being inappropriate now. They should call it the Apple Media Store. Or the Digital Spigot. Or the Intellectual Property Mart.

    Naw, let’s have a contest. Winner gets my old rusty iFlame.

  9. Can’t even use “Tunes” anymore…

    i…………Pod Computer Connection


    i………..Download Stuff

    How about: i……………..Media Storage


    i……..Can’t Think of a Good Name

    P.S. Click my blue name. Please.

  10. iBode, I didn’t father the iPod. That was mostly Tony Fadell, and the wheel was Phil’s idea. Steve picked the colors, and Jon Ive raised the question of whether the razor-sharp edges were really such a good idea.

    I wrote the checks to all the suppliers.



    PS: the mother of the iPod is a college student who chose not to reveal her name when she left the iPod, dressed in a colorful sock, at the door of St. Joseph’s church in Cupertino. Let us pray for her, and hope that she takes comfort knowing that her baby is loved by millions of people.

  11. Amen, Brother Timothy.

    Oh, and let me ask why we haven’t seen any of the CARS staff at Mass for the last decade or so? God knows all, and ducking confession isn’t going to help.

    Yours in Christ,

    Fr. Anthony Cichi, SJ, (deceased).

  12. Why not rename the iTunes Store, Just Another Way For Steve To Make More Money, or JAWFSTMMM for short?

  13. Sorry, Tim, I was thinking of Tony, who’s replacing Jon.

    Well, nevermind, you’re not important anymore.

    Hey, let’s talk to Tony! He’s way cooler.

  14. And, nxxx, it’d be more like:

    Just Another Way For Steve To Make More Money And For The Studios To Complain They’re Not Getting Enough


    Yeah, that’s be a great hit.

  15. “that’s be”?!?!?

    Where has my grammar gone?!?

    Ok, Apple, make a grammar-checker to go with the spell-checker.

    It doesn’t know the difference between “that’s” and “that’d”.

  16. 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X 3X

    The Checklist T-shirts please 🙂

  17. Eric,

    If you were talking about 6X, I’d join you for a pint or three. Hey iBeer, but only if approved by CAMRA.

  18. Medium? Are you kiding me? the 3X is pushing the limits of endurance as it is. Think of the possibilites! 3X worth of manflesh shunted into a Medium Tee… it staggering I tells ya, staggering!

    I understand the plight of the 6X-ers out there. It is not so long ago that I also had to procure the vast majority of my clothing direct form Ohmar the tent maker.

    In closing 3X list shirt 3X list shirt 3X list shirt 3X list shirt 3X list shirt 3X list shirt 3X list shirt 3X list shirt 3X list shirt 3X list shirt 3X list shirt 3X list shirt 3X list shirt

  19. First, let me repeat, “An error occurred: Bad ObjectDriver config: Connection error: User has already more than ‘max_user_connections’ active connections.”

    I mean really folks, it isn’t just the law, its a spiffy good idea too!

    Now, on wit the show:

    Shew. You guys saved my life. I was thinking of comitting suicide by actually accomplishing something at work today. Then I wasted a half an hour reading all the comments, oh and the posts too. Then I spend a good hour and a half in the men’s room playing games on my Tungsten. Now I’m going for coffee.

    Thank you CARS for saving my life!

Comments are closed.