28 Oct 05Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

The Help Desk guy has the day off (again), so today’s questions will be answered by an automated avatar generator!


Q: I have a G5 iMac that I bought about a year ago. I’d like to add a larger hard drive, but I’m concerned that it might be more than I can do myself. I have an AppleCare warranty on the machine and I was wondering if that would protect me if something went wrong when I tried to install the drive?
YOUR AVATAR IS PRETTY KITTY. YOU ENJOY PRETTY THINGS AND TEA PARTIES WITH STUFFED ANIMALS. YOU LIVE IN A RICH FANTASY WORLD THAT YOU USE TO SUBLIMATE THE EMPTY REALITY YOU EXPERIENCE EVERY DAY. MOSTLY BECAUSE YOUR WIFE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND.
Q: What? That’s… pff… I mean… um… you know, I just had the one tea party…


Q: My eMac has been a workhorse for years, but lately has been showing its age. The CRT monitor is taking a long time to warm up which has me really concerned. I’m assuming there’s no way to fix the display on an eMac, let alone replace it. What should I do?
YOUR AVATAR IS SEÑOR STINK. BECAUSE, SEÑOR, YOU STINK. PEOPLE FIND IT DIFFICULT TO BE AROUND YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR HORRIBLE BODILY FUNK. YOU SHOULD INVESTIGATE INDUSTRIAL CLEANING SERVICES, SUCH AS THOSE THAT SCRUB PEOPLE INVOLVED IN CHEMICAL SPILLS. SOMETHING WHERE YOU GET VIGOROUSLY RUBBED WITH BRILLO BY BURLY MEN IN RADIATION GEAR.
Q: … Wh… what does this have to do with my eMac?! And, for your information, I have a condition!


Q: I AM GLAARKU! THE DEVOURER OF SOULS, THE DARK ONE, THE NIGHTMARE! I WILL REND YOUR FLESH FROM YOUR BONES AND SUCK THE ESSENCE OF ALL THAT IS YOU FROM YOUR CRACKED SKULL! I WILL WEAR YOUR SKIN LIKE A COAT! MY CLAWS SHALL SKIN YOU WHERE YOU STAND! FEAR ME!
UH… WELL, ACTUALLY, YOUR AVATAR IS… UM… GLAARKU. YOU ARE THE DEVOURER OF SOULS AND… WELL, YOU KNOW THE REST.
Q: AH-HA-HA! INDEED! HA-HA! HA! HEH. UM… I ALSO HAVE A POWERBOOK THAT’S ACTING UP…
I DON’T DO THAT.
Q: HMM. NUTS.

30 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. still no time for names says:

    First again

  2. still no time for names says:

    and Glaarku doesn’t look half as frightening as I imagine him

  3. TheCrookedCock1 says:

    BOooooOOOOOOoooOOooOOO

    You suck!

  4. Kurosawa says:

    Third. Maybe fourth by the time I actually finish…

    What, no samurai avatar? A samurai kicked five ninjas’ asses in the film Zatoichi. So samurai MUST rule. (No idea what the ninjas’ sexual orientation might have been though.) At least, the samurai movies rule … because they sure kick the ninja movies’ ass. Bring on the lesbian ninja sexbot flicks!

  5. TheCrookedCock1 says:

    lol Sucka!

  6. nxxx says:

    Why didn’t Glaarku receive the same disrespect as the other callers? Your constitution states that all men are equal, so what special about Glaarku.

    What’s that noise? Who the hell are you? Get out of here. I’ll ring the police. AAAAaaaaaarrrrrggghhh……………………..

  7. vans says:

    Glaarku, THE DEVOURER OF SOUL, eh?

    Somebody notify James Taylor that he’s gotta watch out for this silly-faced sucka.

  8. Huh? says:

    I, and my pants, think this was an enjoyable article.

    I, nor my pants, have no idea if it was funny.

    Oooo… Just got an email. It says the article was moderately funny, but provided good comment fodder.

    ok.

    moo

  9. 2000guitars says:

    but why don’t we get a quote from your pants? We miss that.

  10. Carl says:

    CARS has always implicitly been as much of an Onion parody as a MacRumors.com parody, and Help Desk is pretty obviously drawn from the Onion’s Ask _____ feature. What’s good about today’s entry is CARS managed to lay bare their dependence on the Onion, while simultaneously skewering it. And also LiveJournal. Also, it was reasonably funny. Not like chortle out loud funny, but more like wry smile funny.

    Good work.

  11. Huh? says:

    Sorry, my pants have been out of sorts lately.

    Kinda keeping their own space.

    They do appriciate the thought though and hope everyone has an enjoyable weekend.

    moo

  12. Anonymous says:

    Wasn’t Steve Jobs Glaarku at one point?

  13. Streetrabbit says:

    I wan’t an avatar Moltz.

    Make it so.

  14. scared monster says:

    Thanks having explained what was funny, Carl. I’m going to read that Help Desk again, and now I know why I will laugh.

  15. scared monster says:

    I made it. Thank you again.

  16. iBode says:

    I say we make the avatar generator make us also avatars!

    Avatar generator, what avatar am I?

  17. Streetrabbit says:

    Look you guys, leave Moltz alone. I’m in the business and I know it can be weeks, months between inspirations. And the Onion doesn’t post every day, like our boy so leave him alone or Thor will come round and cut your grass.

    Where’s Belidancer?

  18. Rapid reaction force says:

    He’s out bellidancing.

    You didn’t expect thins one, huh?

  19. iBode says:

    Wow CARS has some competition.

    Check out this from BBspot:

    http://www.bbspot.com/News/2005/09/apple_nano_ismack.html

    It’s better than a bunch of CARS articles.

    Moltz, you better step it up.

    Competition is good for the consumers.

  20. Psyko says:

    Cows are stupid!!!

    But without them we wouldn’t have Clarus, beef, milk or cheese, so we must put up with them.

    MARK

  21. CTHULHU says:

    I’M FAR TOO BUSY THIS TIME OF YEAR TO BOTHER WITH YOU PUNY MORTALS! RELAX, THERE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH UNSPEAKABLE HORROR TO GO AROUND, SO IF YOU TAKE A NUMBER, I’LL GET TO YOU AT MY CONVENIENCE!!

    FORGET THAT!!! I’M OUTSOURCING THIS JOB TO GLAARKU!!!!!

  22. Ace Deuce says:

    Hey CTHULHU,

    I read somewhere that some Seattle production company is making a film about you in Astoria. Are you playing yourself, or perhaps on board as a consultant? It would be an unspeakable horror if they made a lame movie about you. What can we expect?

  23. jinzo012 says:

    BOYCOTT CARS!!!!

    FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!

    MEXICAN!!!!!!!!!!

    ITALIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!

    WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!

    BIOTCH!!!!!!!!!!!

    RONALD REAGAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ENGLISH FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    REGINALD KENNETH DWIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    STEVE JOBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    or

    the worst

    total dis……..

    BILL GATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    IN YOUR FUCKIN FACE FUCKER YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    (No harm and/or cruelty intended)

  24. jinzo012 says:

    YEAH1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1

  25. iBode says:

    Oh whoopee, jinzo’s back.

  26. Del says:

    iBode sadly I see your avatar as a toilet. Something about your name makes me think of a high tech japanese commode.

    Since today is Halloween everyone should come dressed up as their avatar.

    Mine is a shiny bionic pony with laser eyes and shoulder mounted iflames.

    Yes the costume is fully functioning, except when I sneeze my iFlames go off. I got kicked out of two Halloween parties already today and it’s only 9:37 am

    *Del Sneezes and her iFlames trigger and start burning the post down*

    Ooops my bad. Anyone seen the fire extinguishers around here?

  27. CTHULHU says:

    THE MOVIE TO WHICH ACE REFERS IS AN “UNAUTHORIZED BIOGRAPHY!” SOULS WILL BE DEVOURED IF CERTAIN STANDARDS ARE NOT MET!!

    WHO AM I KIDDING, SOULS WILL BE DEVOURED ANYWAY!!!

    I SEE GLAARKU IS OFF TO A GOOD START WITH THIS PUNY MORTAL “JINZO!!!!!” WHILE TOURETTES SYNDROME IS NOT ALWAYS DEMON-GOD HANDIWORK, IN THIS CASE IT’S A SAFE ASSUMPTION!!!!!!!

  28. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Okay, I’m dressed up as my avatar. Except I can’t go outside now. Gotta change my nick. :-/

  29. Psyko says:

    Hmm, I guess I am an Apple logo today then.

    MARK

  30. Walking Contradiction says:

    Gee, how lucky. My avitar just happens to be a burning fire extinguisher (a contradiction I know, but note the name …).

    I’ll put out your fire Del. Then move it outside, where I can use it to sacrifice things to the fire gods. Anyone wanna sacrifice something noteworthy? All I have are old PC laptops, I don’t think they will appease the fire gods though …

    Happy Halloween all (even though I’m a couple of days late for that)!