22 Nov 05Jobs Dreading Holiday Season.


According to reports, Apple CEO Steve Jobs is dreading Thanksgiving as it means that he will forced to put the Christmas lights back up on One Infinite Loop again this weekend.

“I don’t know why I end up having to do this by myself,” Jobs said. “But somehow every year everyone seems to have something else to do.”

A quick back-of-the-envelope estimate validated Jobs’ griping over this matter. In order to adequately light the Apple campus – just to make it appear festive from de Anza Blvd. – the mercurial Apple CEO will have to string over three miles of lights.

“Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a burnt bulb in a three-mile string?” Jobs asked. “It’s really fricking hard.

“And, actually, I’m not even sure where I put them when I took them down in January.”

According to Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson, they are in a gigantic tangle on the floor of his office.

“I’m thinking of just going out an buying all new lights,” Jobs said. “At least I took the time last year to put up those plastic hooks.”

Jobs’ concern about the impending task was compounded last week when reports surfaced that Microsoft was planning to put mechanical reindeer on its lawn.

“That’s all I need,” Jobs moaned. “Now I’ve got to keep up with Gates. And, of course, I can’t just run out and buy mechanical reindeer, either. That would look completely lame. We may have him on interface design, but that bastard is relentless on holiday decorations.”

Jobs believes, however, that he will be triumphant.

“I’m leaning toward a big-assed mechanical Santa and surrounding him with a bunch of garden gnomes for elves with little work benches. I think I can get everything at Home Depot.”

Drivers passing by Apple over the weekend are asked not to yell out to Jobs if they spot him atop an aluminum ladder as it may distract him and he already doesn’t want to be up there.

29 Responses to “Jobs Dreading Holiday Season.”

  1. adam Jackson says:

    wow i read the whole thing and still got second! awesome. MPG rules

  2. Omar says:

    FOURTH AND I READ IT! very funny btw

  3. Huh? says:

    My pants have plastic reindeer.

    Um…

    Small ones, at least.

    moo

  4. you know what's funny? says:

    Penis.

  5. Anonymous says:

    7th.

  6. Disgusted Col Retd says:

    Sir,

    We are approaching the most meaningful and mysterious part of our religious year, yet all you can do is praise rancid commercialism.

    During the first Christmas of the first World War, Some of my regiment played football with the Hun. I had them charged with Fraternising with the Enemy, Not attending Church Parade and Cheapening the meaning of Christmas. They were found guilty and sentenced to be shot. As it was the season of good will and was exceedingly cold, I authorised the wearing of gloves and overcoats by the condemned, a courtesy I shall not extend to you Mr. Moltz.

    Disgusted Col Retd

  7. PoisedNoise says:

    ME!

    onze.

  8. Streetrabbit says:

    This sounds scarily familiar.

  9. 2000guitars says:

    Whatever happened to pink flamingoes and just leaving it at that?

  10. Ace Deuce says:

    Decorating for Festivus is much easier. Then there is time to cook the Tofurkey.

  11. You mean, someone DIDN’T yell “FIRST!” in comment number 1? How bizzare, how bizzare.

  12. one man and his mac says:

    See, if Apple really want to out-do MS, they should hire some nineteenth-century urchins to stand around the Apple campus singing carols all day long.

    And if Steve can’t find any, I suggest he try looking in Huh?’s pants. He seems to have everything else in there đŸ˜‰

  13. Will Feldhusen says:

    How long would it take to lie 3 miles of lights? Instead you could make the gnomes light up.

  14. Gag Halfrunt says:

    I say Steve needs to take the pants of Santa and send them to me. Santa will look much better without pants, and I’ll look much better with them.

    Also, it’s getting really cold here.

  15. UhhhDude says:

    I hear those giant inflatable Santas are in this year. Perhaps one of those, along with a giant inflatable [text redacted at request of Dept. of Homeland Security] will be too hype!

  16. Paul says:

    Note that “Andrew Kopietz” didn’t actually claim first… hence, FIRST!

  17. Del says:

    Steve here are my recommendations on how to make hanging your lights enjoyable and easy.

    First off don’t buy the dang lights that when one goes out they all do! Get the kind that the strand stays lit even when one bulb goes out.

    Second when you take the lights down at the end of the year roll the strands onto cardboard tubing. It makes putting them up next year a 100 times easier.

    Third remember you have those things called interns. It doesn’t matter what they have planned you can make them hang lights nude if you want to. You of all people know that interns are meant to be used, abused and covered in pudding. I believe that is in the constitution and your right … no duty as their employer.

  18. Saikou Yuden says:

    Re: Disgusted Col Retd

    Sir,

    Were you to live up to your alleged bona fides, you would not have made mention of the “first World War,” but rather the “Great War.”

    Regards,

    Yuden

  19. iBode says:

    If the Colonel had lasted to see the Second World War (which he obviously did, since he’s still alive and kicking, err, shooting), he would refer to it as the First World War.

    And instead of Christmas lights, he should just hang all those discontinued iPod mini’s. They’re colorful.

    Maybe even stick up some florescent iPod shuffles.

  20. Poster Clild says:

    Next!

  21. recursive says:

    Previous!

  22. C’mon! They’re Apple! They do everything right! Except the period key on this keyboard is mapping to an exclamation point!

    Anywhoo, check the video at the link in the URL thingy. That is how Apple would do Xmas lights! (It is a bit biggish of a downloadatude and it is in WMV format *spit* but worth the suffering).

    And I’m claiming the most middelest post. Dead center of all the posts that shall be posted.

  23. Simon "Chucklehead" Simpleton says:

    Always I had difficulty untangling my holiday light strings until I learned the trick of cutting the wire in between every lamp. No more fuss!

    Except it takes a little while to put the wire back together with those little twisty insulated wire-splicer socket doohickeys.

    But otherwise, no more fuss!

  24. HAHAHAHA!!! Just now read this. I was down in Cupertino this past weekend driving by the Apple campus and yelling out Jobs’ name!