As we head into the long weekend (we’ll be off Thursday and Friday, by the way), a highly placed Apple source passes us this transcript of an executive staff meeting (it’s amazing how many executive staff meetings they have – I think it’s like three or four a day) held today… Inside Apple.
JOBS: Before we conclude, I think we all know what tomorrow is.
TEVANIAN: [to Cook] Oh, boy. Here it comes.
JOBS: Thanksgiving. And as it’s the one day out of the year that we all take pause and think about what we have to be thankful for…
[The executives roll their eyes and groan.]
JOBS: … I’d like to hear what you’re thankful for this year.
[The executives begin whining.]
JOHNSON: Do we have to?
OPPENHEIMER: We do this every year.
SERLET: It’s not even my stupid holiday.
JOBS: Yes, we do have to. It’s traditions like this that make us a family. And we are just that. A family. A… highly paid family. OK, why don’t I start?
[The executives shrug, continuing to pout.]
JOBS: Let’s see… I’m thankful that I have such a wonderful family – both my real family at home, and you, my work family. Mmm-hmm.
[More eye rolling.]
JOBS: I’m also thankful for the success we’ve enjoyed with both the iPod and the Macintosh this year and our recently signed deals with flash memory providers…
HEINEN: Oh, god…
JOBS: And I’m thankful for long, brisk walks, steaming cups of cocoa and good books. Like this one. [Jobs holds up a copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul.]
COOK: You’ve got to be kidding me…
JOBS: OK! Let’s go around the table. Avie? What are you thankful for?
TEVANIAN: Um… well… I like… stuff… and… uh… like, um… [sigh]… uh… like, sometimes, I like to hang out and stuff… with some buddies… and, um… What was the question?
JOBS: Hmm. Well, why don’t you think about what you’re thankful for and we’ll come back to you. [Turning to Oppenheimer] Let’s see what our CFO is thankful for!
OPPENHEIMER: I’m thankful for online porn.
[The executives all stifle their laughter.]
[Now the executives laugh out loud.]
JOHNSON: Ha-ha! “Peter”!
COOK: He said “Peter”!
TEVANIAN: Oh, man!
JOBS: Look, if you’re not going to take this seriously, we’re just going to stop!
HEINEN: Good meeting!
[The executives get up to leave.]
JOBS: Sit back down!
[The executives slump back into their chairs.]
JOBS: Let’s continue. Jon? What are you thankful for?
RUBINSTEIN: Online porn! Ha-ha!
TEVANIAN: Dude, that’s not funny anymore.
RUBINSTEIN: Why not? It was funny when Peter said it. I don’t understand why it wouldn’t be funny now.
TEVANIAN: Dude, because he just said it. All you did was copy his bit. Why do I keep having to explain humor to you?
RUBINSTEIN: Well… well… maybe we just have different ideas of what’s funny.
TEVANIAN: No. No. That’s not it. Because your ideas aren’t funny.
TAMADDON: They’re not funny, Jon.
JOBS: [Beginning to get angry] Jon… what else are you thankful for?
RUBINSTEIN: I’m thankful I only have four more months with you people!
JOBS: This isn’t working at all. I don’t know why I bother.
[Rubinstein, Tamaddon and Tevananian continue to argue. Johnson puts his head down on the table and starts to snore loudly. Oppenheimer begins to drink out of a bottle in a brown paper bag. Heinen rocks sharply back and forth in her chair, sobbing, and scratching incessantly at her forearms.]
SCHILLER: [Bursting into the conference room] I have some things I’m thankful for!
HEINEN: [Looks up from scratching at her arm as if in a daze] Ph-phil?
JOHNSON: [Startled awake] B-bacon!
[There is a pregnant pause. Jobs rises and approaches Schiller.]
JOBS: [With anticipation] What is it, Phil? What is it you’re thankful for?
SCHILLER: [Putting his arm around Jobs and turning to speak to the group] Steve, I’m thankful for our customers, who stood by this company during so many dark years. We wouldn’t be anywhere without them. I’m thankful that after a lot of hard work, we have a positive relationship with software developers. They’re the glue that holds OS X together. I’m thankful every time a bright-eyed kid stands in front of an Apple Store and presses his face up against the glass in wonder. I’m thankful that I get to work with a smart group of driven executives. And, you know, I’m even thankful for every last lawsuit – for that which does not kill us, only makes us stronger. But most of all, Steve, I’m thankful that the name “Apple” stand for quality and innovation.
[There is silence in the meeting room, as the executives all feel shamed by Schiller’s words.]
JOBS: [Whiping a tear from his eye] Thank you, Phil. Thank you for making this the happiest Thanksgiving ever!
SCHILLER: Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have good deeds to do!
[Schiller strides to the window purposefully. He opens it and puts one foot out.]
SCHILLER: [Smiling back at the executives] You have so much to be thankful for! If only you’ll open your eyes before it’s too late! Farewell!
[Schiller launches himself out the window.
There is a dull thud as he falls to the lawn outside. The executives rush to look out and find him face-down in a Schiller-shaped impression in the sod.]
TEVANIAN: Did he know we were on the second floor?
JOBS: Hmm. He better not try to file an L&I claim for that.
SCHILLER: [Muffled] Uhn. I swallowed my gum.