A Very Special Holiday Inside Apple.

As we head into the long weekend (we’ll be off Thursday and Friday, by the way), a highly placed Apple source passes us this transcript of an executive staff meeting (it’s amazing how many executive staff meetings they have – I think it’s like three or four a day) held today… Inside Apple.

JOBS: Before we conclude, I think we all know what tomorrow is.

TEVANIAN: [to Cook] Oh, boy. Here it comes.

JOBS: Thanksgiving. And as it’s the one day out of the year that we all take pause and think about what we have to be thankful for…

[The executives roll their eyes and groan.]

JOBS: … I’d like to hear what you’re thankful for this year.

[The executives begin whining.]


JOHNSON: Do we have to?

OPPENHEIMER: We do this every year.

SERLET: It’s not even my stupid holiday.

JOBS: Yes, we do have to. It’s traditions like this that make us a family. And we are just that. A family. A… highly paid family. OK, why don’t I start?

[The executives shrug, continuing to pout.]

JOBS: Let’s see… I’m thankful that I have such a wonderful family – both my real family at home, and you, my work family. Mmm-hmm.

[More eye rolling.]

JOBS: I’m also thankful for the success we’ve enjoyed with both the iPod and the Macintosh this year and our recently signed deals with flash memory providers…

HEINEN: Oh, god

JOBS: And I’m thankful for long, brisk walks, steaming cups of cocoa and good books. Like this one. [Jobs holds up a copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul.]

COOK: You’ve got to be kidding me…

JOBS: OK! Let’s go around the table. Avie? What are you thankful for?

TEVANIAN: Um… well… I like… stuff… and… uh… like, um… [sigh]… uh… like, sometimes, I like to hang out and stuff… with some buddies… and, um… What was the question?

JOBS: Hmm. Well, why don’t you think about what you’re thankful for and we’ll come back to you. [Turning to Oppenheimer] Let’s see what our CFO is thankful for!

OPPENHEIMER: I’m thankful for online porn.

[The executives all stifle their laughter.]


COOK: [snort]!

TEVANIAN: [chortle]!

JOBS: Peter!

[Now the executives laugh out loud.]

JOHNSON: Ha-ha! “Peter”!

COOK: He said “Peter”!

TEVANIAN: Oh, man!

JOBS: Look, if you’re not going to take this seriously, we’re just going to stop!


COOK: Great!

HEINEN: Good meeting!

[The executives get up to leave.]

JOBS: Sit back down!

[The executives slump back into their chairs.]

JOBS: Let’s continue. Jon? What are you thankful for?

RUBINSTEIN: Online porn! Ha-ha!

JOBS: [sigh]

TEVANIAN: Dude, that’s not funny anymore.

RUBINSTEIN: Why not? It was funny when Peter said it. I don’t understand why it wouldn’t be funny now.

TEVANIAN: Dude, because he just said it. All you did was copy his bit. Why do I keep having to explain humor to you?

RUBINSTEIN: Well… well… maybe we just have different ideas of what’s funny.

TEVANIAN: No. No. That’s not it. Because your ideas aren’t funny.

TAMADDON: They’re not funny, Jon.

JOBS: [Beginning to get angry] Jon… what else are you thankful for?

RUBINSTEIN: I’m thankful I only have four more months with you people!

JOBS: This isn’t working at all. I don’t know why I bother.

[Rubinstein, Tamaddon and Tevananian continue to argue. Johnson puts his head down on the table and starts to snore loudly. Oppenheimer begins to drink out of a bottle in a brown paper bag. Heinen rocks sharply back and forth in her chair, sobbing, and scratching incessantly at her forearms.]

SCHILLER: [Bursting into the conference room] I have some things I’m thankful for!

JOBS: Huh?



HEINEN: [Looks up from scratching at her arm as if in a daze] Ph-phil?

JOHNSON: [Startled awake] B-bacon!

[There is a pregnant pause. Jobs rises and approaches Schiller.]

JOBS: [With anticipation] What is it, Phil? What is it you’re thankful for?

SCHILLER: [Putting his arm around Jobs and turning to speak to the group] Steve, I’m thankful for our customers, who stood by this company during so many dark years. We wouldn’t be anywhere without them. I’m thankful that after a lot of hard work, we have a positive relationship with software developers. They’re the glue that holds OS X together. I’m thankful every time a bright-eyed kid stands in front of an Apple Store and presses his face up against the glass in wonder. I’m thankful that I get to work with a smart group of driven executives. And, you know, I’m even thankful for every last lawsuit – for that which does not kill us, only makes us stronger. But most of all, Steve, I’m thankful that the name “Apple” stand for quality and innovation.

[There is silence in the meeting room, as the executives all feel shamed by Schiller’s words.]

JOBS: [Whiping a tear from his eye] Thank you, Phil. Thank you for making this the happiest Thanksgiving ever!

SCHILLER: Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have good deeds to do!

[Schiller strides to the window purposefully. He opens it and puts one foot out.]

SCHILLER: [Smiling back at the executives] You have so much to be thankful for! If only you’ll open your eyes before it’s too late! Farewell!

[Schiller launches himself out the window.

There is a dull thud as he falls to the lawn outside. The executives rush to look out and find him face-down in a Schiller-shaped impression in the sod.]



TEVANIAN: Did he know we were on the second floor?

JOBS: Hmm. He better not try to file an L&I claim for that.

SCHILLER: [Muffled] Uhn. I swallowed my gum.

31 thoughts on “A Very Special Holiday Inside Apple.”

  1. This was indeed the best Thanksgiving-related, Apple-executive rumor ever.

    I’m thankful for Crazy Apple Rumors. And beer. Sometimes simultaneously!

  2. That was good.

    Congratulations John.

    The articles seem to be getting better.

    The description of what all the employees were doing was hilarious.

    Now, I must sleep, in preparation for taking Thursday and Friday off, too.

  3. This one was really funny. Schiller saved the day! Huzzah! My Schiller-mania is becoming a raging Schiller-fever, causing Schiller-convulsions from the Schiller-virus eating away at my immune system. Huzzah!

  4. Happy Thanksgiving from the other side of the pond. Little did we know when we let you lot leave Deptford, what you would do. Apple is great AND I WAS THAT CHILD that Phil mentioned. *Wipes away tears.*

  5. Wait a second… I thought Schiller could fly.

    Now I’ve got to go back and read the whole site. I’ve been misinterpreting everything, apparently.

  6. I can only hope that Apple, or some third party will be making action figures so that I can act out the CARS stories in my Apple Headquarters doll house. That would be heavenly.

  7. I’m thankful for erasers even though I only use pens. I’m thankful for those little felt pads you put on the bottom of chair legs so they slide easier. I’m thankful for gas pumps that reclaim fumes. I’m thankful for cellphone radiation so close to my brain. I’m thankful for tortilla chips but mostly when there’s good salsa around. And someone else bought them. I’m thankful my cat is only 1/10 of the size she pretends she is. I’m thankful for nasal hair, image if all that junk just went flying straight back into your nose!

    And yes, I’m thankful for CARS and Schiller-shaped impressions in the sod.

    Just to clarify, I’m thankful for the comments at CARS and then I’m thankful for the stories they are loosely based upon.

  8. Last.

    I’m thankful that a Schiller-shaped impression can see through the fog and correctly divine the true nature of a holiday that originated outside its nation of birth.

    Canadians understand the US better than we do ourselves.

  9. 1st after last! I’m thankful for Bacon. Lots of it.

    And for G5s, and Mac OS X, and…


    It’ll come to me…

    Have a good Thanksgiving!

  10. I have to say… that Apples stock price and Steve Jobs work at Apple are extraordinary…. Their one year chart looks like rocket…

    Motltz… you rock…

    I have been eating a lot of pudding recently… I needed to share that…too

  11. I am sooooo thankful that they are ordering us a G5 PowerMac at work. Working in the PC world is just un-fricking-believable. And you know I don’t mean that in a good way.

    I’m also thankful that there’s turkey leftovers in the fridge, because so many people would like some leftovers and aren’t able….

    Most of all, I thank you, Moltz, for your wicked sharp sense of humor. It takes mad skillz to fabricate rumors of such quality. Your mom must be really proud.

    (You did finally get to sit at the grown-up table this year, didn’t you?)

  12. Oh yeah. I’m also thankful that [TEXT REDACTED BY DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY] bed! Yeah!

  13. Is no one else bothered by the fact that “whiping” is generally not spelled with an ‘h’?

    (Notice the use of double-quotes around a string, and single-quotes around the char.)

  14. I’m thankful to be an Apple Beta Tester. The sexbots and wi-fi pudding has greatly improved my life.

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