21 Nov 05Apple Cements Long-Term Deals.


While most of today’s Apple news centered around the company’s long-term deal with several flash memory suppliers, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that the company has inked an equally important deal that will keep it in pudding for the next five years.

According to sources, the Caffe Macs cafeteria and every vending machine on the Apple campus will be stocked with premium pudding products from the fine folks at Kraft Foods.

Caffe Macs manager Monica Howarth brokered the deal for Apple.

“Much as the massive popularity of the iPod line requires a substantial quantity of flash memory,” Howarth said, “the voracious appetite of the average Apple employee for pudding requires a long-term supply commitment.”

“Frankly, they disgust me,” Howarth added, referring to Apple’s employees.

“Sitting there… lapping up great heaping servings of pudding… walking out with it smeared all over their faces and their clothes…”

Howarth spat on the floor in disgust.

And, not coincidentally, in violation of the California State Department of Health rules for the food management industry.

Kraft spokesman Rod Harney was ebullient over the deal.

“We’re thrilled to have been chosen by Apple to stuff the fat faces of its employees with our rich and sugary viscous food product through 2010,” Harney said.

“I understand engineers require lots of sugar and caffeine, and our chocolate pudding food product seems well-suited to their needs.”

While Apple management approved the deal, it adamantly supported the company’s recent crackdown on pudding sliding – a pasttime where employees coat their naked bodies with pudding and slide down the halls.

A spokesperson for the company cited legal liability and workplace safety rather than facilities sanitation as the primary reason for the crackdown.

40 Responses to “Apple Cements Long-Term Deals.”

  1. Dave says:

    Mmmm… Pudding!

  2. Psyko says:

    So soon…

    MARK

  3. Zeb says:

    Number four and I don’t care : P

  4. Carl says:

    I’ve been reading CARS for years, and I’m beginning to think John has a pudding fetish.

    There, I’ve said it.

  5. iBode says:

    5! (dances a jig, randomly)

  6. Bill CoZby says:

    Coz ya got the pudding with the jello and the kodak and the kids with the crazy stuff…!

  7. iBode says:

    What flavors?

    Vanilla and Chocolate?

    Is the chocolate darkened so that it’s “iPod Black”?

  8. Postman says:

    I guess that leaves Apple employees without the ‘Apple’ in the pudding wars—junket.

  9. GingerSex says:

    Setting up forÂ…

  10. Ace Deuce says:

    My experience is that pudding saps employees’ desire to work, caffeine or no caffeine.

    Apple will fall into a long slow decline if its best people pig out on this glomulacious glob of goodness.

  11. Ace Deuce says:

    Oh, was that 11?

  12. Nxxx says:

    As usual, can’t find anything funny to say so I’ll claim first as no one else has.

    Yay! Way to go!

  13. Huck says:

    That’s it, I’m applying to Apple.

    Pudding sliding for Christ’s sake! And I’ll bet they were paid for those hours.

    As for pudding being a fetish, I think it’s more of a fetish topping — like whipped cream. There’s plenty of room for other fetishes while partaking in the sultry delights of puuuuudddddding.

    Needless to say, it’s also a great lubricant.

  14. 2000guitars says:

    Finally, Moltz has gotten back to our Mega-Postian roots. The proof is in the pudding. 190 proof.

  15. one man and his mac says:

    Given Apple’s and CARS’ obsession with pudding, I ropose we rename ‘posts’, ‘puddings’.

    I hereby claim First Pudding!

  16. John C. Randolph says:

    Ok, I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but it’s not pudding, it’s tapioca. The little gelatinous beads are what makes the sliding possible. Try it with ordinary pudding, and you’ll just stick to the floor.

    -jcr

  17. Monica Howarth says:

    May I just interrupt to mention that I’m fictitious?

    Love,

    Monica.

  18. Will Feldhusen says:

    So you say it won’t work with normal pudding? Thanks! Gotta go sliding!

  19. The British says:

    Oh, we’d like some figgy pudding. We’d like some figgy pudding. We’d like some figgy pudding. So bring it right here.

    (Annoying buggers we can be, eh?)

  20. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Important question: is the pudding vegan? Soy based or tofu pudding? Or will Steve get a special pudding delivery just for his Vegan Highness?

    I mean, if it is from Kraft there are not naturally occuring products in the pudding. So they could, theoretically, make the pudding do whatever they want to the employees. Humm. The possiblities.

    I’m claiming umpteenth post.

  21. Del says:

    I’m sure it is Vegan Wireless pudding. Would Apple have any other kind?

  22. Nxxx says:

    The British,

    Young Sirs, should you care to agree a date and time, I could take leave of my Morris Side and accompany you on my melodeon. Which key would you prefer it in, D, G or C no problems. If we could persuade the Invisible Boys to supply the choral support, it would be something else. Stevie Wonder, watch out.

  23. U. D. Mann says:

    Hey Nxxx,

    Can Stevie Wonder really watch out?

  24. Huh? says:

    I’m sure many of you were expecting me to claim I have pudding in my pants, or my pants are in pudding, or some other similar comment.

    I would like to state, for the record, that this is not true.

    My pants despise pudding.

    They truely detest the stuff.

    I, however, enjoy it tremendously.

    Thank you.

    moo

  25. Del says:

    Legal liability in the workplace ruins all the fun1

  26. Ace Deuce says:

    Also, too much fun can ruin a solemn occasion, totally spoil the mood.

  27. The British says:

    Nxxx,

    Thank you guv, we’ll take it in G with a side helping of Invisible Boys Choir. We’ll be like the bloody Dave Clark Five! (Except successful, with pudding and all wot.)

    Anyway, we’re off for a fitting! Time to get the trousers of our costumes tightened up a wee bit…

  28. Firstly: http://www.britishpuddingisdifferent.com/ is down, and I want on there.

    Secondly: Stevie Wonder can indeed watch out, while not completely blind and can decern shadowy contrasts in light and dark.

    Thirdly: there is no third point

    Forthly: pudding is good, I like pudding whether it be wireless or direct-connect pudding

  29. Walking Contradiction says:

    WHEN, OH WHEN, WILL I FINALLY GET MY PUDDING IPOD??? They gave us a video iPod already, what’s the holdup?

    Ooooh, Jennifer freakin Connoly nude, covered in nothing but pudding. Time to go blind again!

  30. ollie says:

    What is it with this site and the readers who are so intent on the ranking they get in the comments. Whats wrong with you people? who gives a shit if your fifth first or last, theres no point if you dont have anything relevant to say, go find something else better to type.

    Other than that its a great site, just that the comments part is a total waste of time, you dont see this inmaturity on arstecnica, or hackaday, what gives??

  31. one man and his mac says:

    More importantly, you don’t see any pudding on those sites either!

    Come to think about it, there aren’t many modern tech sites that bother to cover the more hot-dessert-related news items.

  32. Father Flanagan says:

    Looking at Jennifer Frickin’ Connelly won’t make you go blind, boyo. Touching her will make you go blind.

    Now then, back into the confessional with ye! And no, you can’t bring your attorney!

    Sincerly,

    Fr. Flanagan, SJ

  33. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Ollie doesn’t get it.

    Ha! I’m claiming first one to say THAT!!

  34. Streetrabbit says:

    Anyone who’s ever tried to climb a pudding smeared lamppost will tell you it’s bloody slippery.

    Can I be last?

    If anyone else posts I’m taking down the Internet with my devilish Internet Taking Down Device (ITDD) then you’ll all be sorry.

    Waaaahaaaahahhha

  35. croikle says:

    hrm…what does this “Post” button do again?

    oops…

    :-p

  36. stan says:

    Well, ollie, this is another fine mess you’ve gotten us into.

  37. One of the four horsemen. says:

    YES SLOWPOKE, YOU ARE LAST. CONGRATULATIONS. NOW COME WITH ME.