Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: Do you know how much of a bad-assed mutha I am?
A: Uh, no. No, I don’t.
Q: I’m such a bad-assed mutha. Do you know what I did?
Q: I bought a refurbished 12-inch PowerBook which I use on the road visiting clients… and I didn’t get the AppleCare protection. That’s right, bitch.
Q: Damn! I am such a bad-assed mutha! I’m totally on the edge!
Q: See, no one’s gonna tell me to buy extra support.
A: I guess not.
Q: Like some pencil-necked geek at Apple’s going to tell me what to do!
A: Uh, yeah, so… what’d you call me for?
Q: I, uh… I think… uh… my hard drive is hosed. I just, uh, get a question mark…
A: Uh, your street cred is dropping there, Shaft.
Q: I… I… I also have maaad Photoshop skillz…?
Q: My boyfriend recently bought a new iMac – one of the ones with the iSight camera built right in. It’s nice and I think it works fine and everything, but he put it in his bedroom and now… well… he won’t have sex with me in front of it.
A: I… see.
Q: We have to have sex in the living room. I don’t know why. He’s really squirrelly about it. And his living room carpet is Berber, so something has to be done.
A: Look, there is absolutely no reason you need to stand for this. Have you confronted him about it?
Q: Well… no.
A: You need to be open to him about your needs.
A: You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that you want him to nail you in front of his iMac!
Q: Um… I don’t have to say “nail”, do I?
A: Walk right up to him an say “I demand that you nail me right in front of this iMac with the built-in iSight camera while the whole thing is streamed live over the Internet!”
Q: Uh… wait a minute. I don’t think that’s one of my “needs.” Maybe it’s one of your needs.
A: Oooh, baybee! You ain’t wrong about that! Eeeyow!
Q: You know, this is really frustrating because Chris Breen said exactly the same thing.
Q: I have recently replaced a number of Macs in my household and I’ve run up against a problem with iTunes. I forgot to de-authorize the old Macs and now I’ve used up my five machines and can’t add any more. I don’t have the old machines anymore, so I can’t de-authorize them and there’s seemingly no other way to do it.
A: There is… one other way. But… you wouldn’t be interested in that.
Q: Well, I really do need to know…
A: No, I… I couldn’t tell you. It involves… voodoo magic.
Q: What now?
A: Yes. Yes. Voodoo magic.
Q: How would voodoo magic help me authorize my new Macs on the iTunes Music Store?
A: Is that what you really want? To authorize some Macs on the iTunes Music Store or… do you want to control the dark and sinister forces of necromancy?!
Q: Well, I… I, uh…
A: What will it be?! Answer quickly!
Q: Um, um, the dark and sinister forces of necromancy! The dark and sinister forces of necromancy!
A: A wise choice. For once you control the dark and sinister forces of necromancy, you can…
Q: Use zombie powers to authorize my Macs?
A: Are you still on about that?! You know, I’m starting to think you’re not serious about learning the dark and sinister forces of necromancy!
Q: Wait, is that exactly the same thing as voodoo magic? Isn’t there more to voodoo magic than necromancy? I’m a little unclear on this.
A: Oh, look, let’s just forget the whole thing. Just call Apple support and have them deauthorize your old Macs. You’re clearly not ready for the powers of voodoo magic.
Q: What? You mean I can just call Apple support to do it? Why didn’t you say that? Why all this talk about voodoo magic and the dark and sinister forces of necromancy?
A: I… well… I have… a quota. My dark overlords command it.
Q: Sure they do.
A: They do so! They’re very insistent!