While published reports indicate that Avie Tevanian raked in $33 million this year, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that the Apple Chief Technologist has demanded he be paid the entire sum in one dollar bills.
Sources close to the man behind what is today known as Mac OS X indicate that he has a preternatural hatred of large denominations.
“Some of it is a convenience issue,” said Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson. “I mean, when you’re in the 7-11 and you’re jonesing for a bag of mini donuts, you don’t want to plop down a Franklin. They probably wouldn’t take it and you’d look like some prissy daddy’s boy from Connecticut.
“Pff. Frickin’ prissy daddy’s boys.”
Johnson paused momentarily, grinding his fist into the palm of his other hand and gritting his teeth.
“Grrrrr… There’s only one thing I hate worse than frickin’ prissy daddy’s boys.
There are some indications, however, that Apple may not be able to meet Tevanian’s unusual demand.
“I’m not sure we have that many ones in the western region,” said Joseph Burwell of the Federal Reserve Bank of San Francisco.
“Hang on a second, let me call Dallas.”
Burwell reached for the phone and dialed the Federal Reserve Bank in Dallas.
“Ted? It’s Joe. Say, can you make change for 1,650,000 twenties? No, no fives. Ones. Just ones. What? Wait, hang on.
“Will he take Susan B. Anthony coins? Dallas has a shitload of Susan B. Anthony coins.”
Tevanian declined to comment for this story, but he and Johnson were later seen shoving some prissy daddy’s boys around outside a local 7-11.