Apple Executives' Holiday Plans.


Crazy Apple Rumors Site will be off for the holidays until probably January 3rd.

We can’t be sure. There are some… uh… unresolved extradition proceedings.

Anyway, we hope y’all have a happy holiday and to kick it off our highly-placed Apple sources bring us this list of the holiday plans of Apple’s executives.

Enjoy!

  • Chief Technologist Avie Tevanian – Using some of his $33 million in 2005 compensation to have Nebraska covered in gold leaf, just because he can.
  • Chief Counsel Nancy Heinen – Working. It’s not like all those lawsuits are going to dismiss themselves.
  • Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson – Sitting naked in front of the television watching It’s A Wonderful Life over and over again and then crying himself to sleep.
  • Chief Operating Officer Tim Cook – Running a cock-fighting ring in Tijuana. Same as last year.
  • Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller – Opening each present thinking “Please let it be a puck! Please let it be a puck!” and then jumping up and down insanely when it does, in fact, turn out to be a puck.
  • CEO Steve Jobs – Annoyingly giving family members all of their presents but one and then saying “One more thing…” before giving them the last one. And repeatedly over the course of the week reminding himself that you can’t fire family members.

See you in the New Year!

Unless, you know, the extradition proceedings go faster than expected.

43 thoughts on “Apple Executives' Holiday Plans.”

  1. John,

    Don’t worry, those orange boiler suits are very comfortable and will match your eyes. Just to make sure nothing too drastic happens, tell them you are a Brit, and I’ll say you are my long lost brother. It’ll cost you though.

    As a great Irish atheist and comedian Dave Allen used to say, “May your gods go with you.”

  2. I recommend you use the services of an extradition lawyer in order to more quickly return to your phantasmagorical rumourmongering. Try 1-800-LAWYERB. And yes… The B _is_ for bargain.

  3. I am NOT fat! Look, I work hard here at Apple. I mean I’m always worried about the lawsuits and things. I’m practically the only one who cares! Do you know how many typos and mistakes I find in those End User Licenses? I review every single one.

    And who is the only one to clear out the refrigerator in the break room? Avie left some curry in there for a week and it smelled horrible.

    No one appriciates the hard work I do at the company. Steve got me iPod socks for a Christmas present. I don’t even own an iPod and he didn’t notice!

    There’s a French Silk pie in the fridge from Baker’s Square. I’m snaggin’ it and watching Oprah. Don’t bother me or you’ll be sorry.

    Happy friggin’ Christmas.

  4. There is one major error in today’s post. You can indeed fire a family member. As the sole manufacturer of the iFlame (Now with a new glass model for all your festive needs) I guarantee that with my product you can fire your family. *

    Make sure if you are going to a family party of over 5 guests to get the extra portable fuel tank now 1/2 priced for the holidays. As usual thank you for your patronage and orders.

    *DISCLAMER-Firing your family may be illegal in your State please check with local authorities before setting your family afire. Be sure to read all instructions first and have your excuse/alibi ready before you start. Packaging includes 30 excuses these carry no guarantee of working.

  5. In the spirit of “firing” family members – if you give a man a fire, he’ll be warm for a night, if you set a man on fire, he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

    May all your holiday firings be warm and life-afirming!

  6. Wow. I wish I had a job that I could take the last two weeks of the year off!

    Oh wait, I do…in fact its my nappy time. nighties.

    …zzzzzzzz…

  7. To the gentleman who signed his name as a string of fours, did you mean “Quattro Pro”, the long-abandoned spreadsheet program from the late 1980’s?

    -jcr

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  9. Is it just me, or is The Invisible Evil Boys’ Choir singing more frequently and less funnily?

    It seems that whenever someone says a word more than once they must sing it.

    Well, maybe they just need more gigs for some extra cash, so they can buy their Evil Parents and Evil Girlfriends presents.

  10. iBode,

    We’re not “funny”, we’re “scary”. Now, quit criticising us or we’ll drive you insane by staring at you wherever you go like we did to that clown from the LA times.

    Love,

    The Usually Invisible Evil Boys’ Choir.

  11. I think it’s time to begin questioning these highly-placed Apple sources. What they say the execs are doing are _way_ too normal to be true.

  12. Mr iBode,

    My clients are prepared to stop staring at you for a 15% share of all of your future earnings (from whatever source derived), and 60% of your collection of counterfeit “Think Different” posters. We’ll take the ones with Mortimer Snerd, Calvin Coolidge, and Kieth Partridge.

    Hugs and Kisses,

    Irving Sleazebag,

    Artist Managment (RIAA affilliate)

  13. I think you got Tim Cook’s plans all wrong. He will be dressing in orange and going to the Capital One Bowl to cheer for Auburn! War Damn Eagle!

  14. SPORM PRAM! SPORM PRAM! SPORM PRAM! SPORM PRAM! SPORM PRAM! SPORM PRAM!

    PROM SPAN! PROM SPAN! PROM SPAN! PROM SPAN! PROM SPAN! PROM SPAN!

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    PRON SPAM! PRON SPAM! PRON SPAM! PRON SPAM! PRON SPAM! PRON SPAM!

    Now you see why I was never invited to join the Invisible Evil Boys’ Choir. I can never remember the lyrics. And. I’m not. Invisible. :-/

  15. Wow iBode, that’s get to get up into the tens of dollars! Thanks! Now I can fund that bad Starbucks habit I developed.

  16. There is an impostor on the boards. Our fine young boys choir never explain themselves so throughly, and in sentences. Instead they just give very little information over and over as annoyingly as possible.

    I must insist that it was actually just some dude sitting behind the curtain in the corner, so I shall go flush them out with the new iFlame Del gave me. (Thanks Del, it is awesome! Much better than my last model.)

    *Psyko sets iFlame to the FIOFBTC (Flush Imposters Out From Behind The Curtains) mode, aims, and flammorizes the corner of the room.*

    Oh, oops. I guess I should have chosen the “flammable curtain” option. Seems it thought the curtain wouldn’t burst into flames instantly. Heh, oh well, impostor, or whoever was back there, is gone now. 🙂

    MARK

  17. Burned all the hair off my arms, ya did. Eyebrows too.

    Look, Psycho, I was auditioning. Poorly.

  18. You are not going to get my sympathy by spelling my name wrong, that is for sure. CORRECT IT!…please.

    MARK

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