05 Jan 06Macworld 2006 Rumor Roundup.


I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Macworld San Francisco 2006 Evento-Expo-Con Adventurama and Hummel Trade Show starts next week!

With that in mind, Crazy Apple Rumors Site offers the following rundown of the rumors out there, so you’ll know in advance what Steve Jobs will reveal on the Moscone Center stage.

Bank On It:

  • “Numbers” spreadsheet application for iWork
    This has been put off several times but is reportedly finally ready to ship. Numbers, however, isn’t your usual spreadsheet application. Like Pages was to word process, it’s a new look at the spreadsheet paradigm. Consequently, it only features the numbers 1 through 5. But Apple is fairly certain that won’t be a problem for most of its customers who can’t count any higher than that anyway.
  • Intel-based Mac minis and iBooks
    This is a certainty. Not only will Jobs announce their availability, he will violently throw free units at each audience member, shouting obscenities and gesticulating wildly as if to indicate he is either insane or has a severe chafing problem in the crotch.
  • “iWeb”, a new iLife application for designing web pages
    Like Numbers, iWeb is an exciting new look at another difficult task – this time web design. It will also suck big time.

Maybe:

  • Intel-based iMacs
    Several sources have indicated that instead of the Mac mini, the iMac will be the first Mac to receive the Intel processor. However, these sources were also eating baked beans straight from a can with a Bonanza 30th Anniversary commemorative spoon featuring Hop Sing. Hence the “Maybe” status.
  • Mac OS X Server Thingy
    There may be some Mac OS X Server thingy with, um… some stuff that… can do the things with the… server… stuff… and… uh…

Doubtful:

  • Intel-based Power Macs and PowerBooks
    Most analysts believe that Apple’s “pro” line will be the last to migrate to Intel, but some sources keep screaming “PRO! PRO!” like deranged loons so we have to mention the possibility.
  • Intel-based iPod socks
    Well…
    No.
    Well…
    Hmm.
    Perhaps this should go up into “Maybe.”

No Way:

  • Tablet device
    Man, if I hear one more rumor-boy go on and on about some hot tablet device that’s gonna change how you compute because god knows we really want to write everything because it’s so fast and all and…
    Gaaaaah…
  • Hot lesbian action with Jessica Alba and Jennifer fricking Connelly
    I mean, really, there’s no way Steve Jobs could or would announce this. It’s not even something Apple could arrange.
    Could they?
    I mean… could they?
    Because…
    Best. Macworld. Ever.

No Responses to “Macworld 2006 Rumor Roundup.”

  1. melvin says:

    Hoo Hah! A rumored first!

  2. melvin says:

    Under “Bank On It” you forgot “Intel-based hot lesbian action with Jessica Alba and Jennifer fricking Connelly”!!! I mean, that’s the REAL reason for the switch to Intel!

  3. iBode says:

    Jessica Alba!

    Forget Macworld!

    Jessica Alba!

  4. Mr. Nice Guy says:

    Fourth.

    Now… who shall I kill NEXT?

  5. Swedish_Dude says:

    PRO! PRO! PRO! PRO! PRO!

    Third post.

  6. Swedish_Dude says:

    “PRO! PRO! PRO! PRO! PRO!

    Third post.”

    This guy obviously doesn’t know how to count.

  7. Doubful –> Doubtful

  8. Aimon says:

    mmmmmm Jennifer fricking Connelly.

  9. Nxxx says:

    Numbers dealing with up to five? I’ve got to go back for a Phd.

  10. won says:

    Jessica Biel!

  11. GingerSex says:

    11 maybe?

  12. PoisedNoise says:

    Eleventh?

  13. 2000guitars says:

    “Intel-based iPod socks”

    didn’t you mean “Intel-based iPod sucks”?

  14. coolidge30 says:

    intel based soap-on-a-rope all the way!

  15. Anonymous says:

    Why must I always inform you of your out of date copyright notice? Is it possible for you use date(Y) function instead to keep it up to date?

  16. pron connnaisseur says:

    Contrary to CARS report the new spreadsheet app in iWork will be quite revolutionary. It will be the first spreadsheet app, that goes up to 11.

  17. Will Feldhusen says:

    1,2,3,4,12,35,-678,23.

    Oops.

  18. My sources tell me that the Numbers spreadsheet application will have a hidden feature involving cross promotion with ABCFolks who know how to access it will finally understand what the number 4, 8 , 15, 16, 23 and 42 mean.

  19. Dexter Span says:

    Jessica Alba and Jennifer fricking Connelly in spandex!

  20. Switcher says:

    Forget Jessica and Jennifer : MONICA BELLUCHI !!!

    A bit more mature but, eh, experienced woman…

    Ahow, c’mon…

    Ahum…

  21. blank says:

    I thought the special voice feature in Numbers was what held its release up for so long. No matter what voice is set in the Speech prefpane, the program will speak all numerical entries in the voice of The Count from Sesame Street.

  22. Composer says:

    The problem they’ve really had with the whole spreadsheet thingy is that they’re well, boring. So much so that the developers keep nodding off before they get anywhere. Then there’s the embarrasment of hiding your keyboard face from Steve and cleaning the drool from your keyboard and whatnot…

  23. Sudo Nym says:

    If “Numbers” is limited, it will not be because of the limited counting ability of Macintosh owners, but because Apple’s programmers have been coding to avoid the dreaded Pentium floating-point bug.

    It is well known that if NASA had used Pentiums in 1969, Apollo 11 would have augered into the Sea of Tranquility. Fortunately, the Pentium was not delivered until many years later. Apple’s decision to switch to Intel CPUs is the main reason I’m not an astronaut today. Well, that and my total lack of qualifications.

  24. Jeff says:

    Ha, so you all want Jennifer Connelly Lesbian Action? Go rent Requiem for a Dream.

  25. Ryan Parman says:

    I am SO renting that!

  26. Kevin Collins just made my shitlist. All he had to do was push a button, just one damn button. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

    Blu-Ray is going to eat us alive… 🙁

  27. Are you there, God? It’s me, William Thomas Hoyletsburg III, Esq.

  28. No Intel-based iPod Socks announced this year?! That’s it, Apple’s commitin’ suicide by neglecting this. Yup. They’re doomed.

    …DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!!!!

  29. Drooling says:

    Jessica Alba. Say no more.

  30. gnosis says:

    “This guy obviously doesn’t know how to count.”

    Um…he does, but he used the calculator a new Intel-based iMac…