8:55 AM – We’re in! After some jostling to figure out who would sit where (Chet demands the aisle because he’s got a tender tummy), we’re in our seats, eating cotton candy and wearing those foam #1 hands that say “Apple” on them. And, as predicted, the CARS web site is undergoing a massive failure! DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL, STEVE JOBS!
As is traditional with such coverage, this post should be read from bottom to top [Editor’s Note: this has since been reversed, because it’s a bitch to read it that way], so those incessantly clicking “refresh” can have their instant gratification.
9:05 AM – Things are running a little late, so Masako – working furiously from a laptop that’s about an hour away from becoming obsolete – has used the time to disable PHP on the site which will allow the main page to load without the familiar database error you’ve come to know and love. Instead you’ll get that massive error you see now at the top of the page.
But the page loads.
You can’t have everything, you know. We only bought enough database licenses for three people. If you’d buy more shirts we could buy more. You have no one to blame but yourselves.
Actually, I don’t feel so bad because right now Ars Technica’s page is coughing up an error message too.
9:08 AM – Masako’s done. She’s leaning back and smoking a cigarette. Can she do that in here?
Jobs takes the stage! He’s giving a retail update!
I’m bored. I’m bored already. Who wants to go hang out at the Rogue Amoeba booth and check out girls?
9:15 AM – No bloodshed yet, but Steve’s at the top of his game. He’s whipping the crowd into a fever pitch. We’re only about 7 minutes in and the front row is already standing up and pounding on the stage. There’s a mosh pit forming.
I hate mosh pits.
Pulled my hammy in one back in the day.
Any-hoo, blah, blah, blah, Apple’s doing really well. Have you heard? Sold a bunch of stuff, 3/4 of a billion iTunes songs, etc.
3/4 of a billion? Look, call me when it’s a billion, OK? I mean… 3/4 of a billion? What is that? Does anyone even know how much that is? I mean, c’mon.
9:16 AM – Some guy behind us just said that 3/4 of a billion is 750 million.
That’s 750 million.
Oh, hey, that was Al Gore.
9:22 AM – OK, now we’re getting somewhere.
New iPod remote with FM tuner. Works with all iPod models except the one you have.
How does he know which one I have?
Wait, that’s not fair…
9:30 AM – New Widgets!
Widgets? I flew 700 miles for Widgets?
I’m getting a drink. Anybody want one?
Slo gin fizz for me… cosmo for Masako… beer for Chet… water for Howard… liquid hydrogen for the Entity…
Oh, great. I’m going to have to leave the building for that…
9:35 AM – Fortunately the waiter came by, so I don’t have to go out.
OK, now we’re on to iPhoto. New limit is 250,000 photos. He doesn’t state how many of those can be porn…
Someone should ask him.
Chet, raise your hand.
No, you do it.
He doesn’t like me.
No, I’ve never spoken with him, but… I’m still just uncomfortable about the… the… you know…
The “did not know that” post.
OK, well, Chet’s too much of a girl to ask about the porn limit in the new iPhoto, but Apple’s also improved the editing capabilities (ooh, man, there is literally steam rising from the Adobe section…), higher quality books and calendars with your photos. PhotoCasting is Flickr-like internet albums with passwords and RSS subscriptions. Calendars can import events from iCal and birthdays from AddressBook.
Jobs demos and says “Like my daughter’s birthday. I can never remember when that is. Not the one I like. Hers I know. The one I don’t like.”
That’s a little weird.
9:45 AM – iMovie now has realtime effects and audio tools.
I knew an audio tool once.
Used to do sound stuff at the school auditorium.
What a jerk.
iDVD supports other burners. GarageBand now has a podcasting studio with royalty-free jingles. Wealthy Apple customers may have royalty-based jingles created for them by such bands as The White Stripes and Sleater-Kinney. Costs $650,000 per jingle.
“But don’t you want the very best?” Steve asks. “Hmm? Hmm?”
I hate it when he does that. Now I have to buy one. And where the hell am I going to get $650,000?
Pff. Looks like I’m going on another crime spree…
9:55 AM – iWeb! Web design application with blog/RSS/podcast/AJAX/slideshow capabilities!
Strangely, Jobs keeps calling it Claris HomePage.
Why is he doing that? That’s not like him.
No. No, Steve. That was a long time ago.
He did it again.
10:03 AM – iLife ’06 is available today for $79, free with all new Macs.
Free… with all… new Macs.
I’m sure that’s just the first of several slaps in the face to the author of this coverage who bought himself a new PowerBook three weeks ago.
Ah, well. I knew it at the time.
No, no. It’s fine.
I’m not angry.
10:15 AM – INTEL!!!!
People are going absolutely berserk! Al Gore has ripped his shirt off and he’s got the new Intel logo painted on his chest! Sinbad is screaming “IN-TEL! IN-TEL! IN-TEL!” Robin Williams (not the Mac book author) is…
Well, he’s just always kind of embarrassingly overboard.
10:20 AM – 17 and 20-inch iMacs go Intel! THEY’RE SHIPPING TODAY!
Wait a minute.
I don’t need an iMac.
10:32 AM – INTEL-DUAL CORE DUO-BASED MACBOOK PRO!!!
“The PowerBook is dead.”
Oh, my god, just as Steve said that Masako’s PowerBook went dead.
Wait, he didn’t mean that literally, did he?
10:40 AM – The MacBook Pro ships in February features an iSight, IR sensor and remote, scrolling trackpad, magnetic power adapter that just touch-attaches, and 10,000 other brand-new failure points!!! Steve says it is the Mac laptop for those of you tired of all the existing failure points and class-action lawsuits!
10:45 AM – Aaaaaaaaand that’s it.
No black shuffle. No plasma TV (Jason O’Grady is now 0 for 8 for those of you keeping track at home). No blood bath in the Moscone Center.