10 Jan 06Macworld 2006 Keynote Coverage!


8:55 AM – We’re in! After some jostling to figure out who would sit where (Chet demands the aisle because he’s got a tender tummy), we’re in our seats, eating cotton candy and wearing those foam #1 hands that say “Apple” on them. And, as predicted, the CARS web site is undergoing a massive failure! DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL, STEVE JOBS!

As is traditional with such coverage, this post should be read from bottom to top [Editor’s Note: this has since been reversed, because it’s a bitch to read it that way], so those incessantly clicking “refresh” can have their instant gratification.

Ewwwww…

9:05 AM – Things are running a little late, so Masako – working furiously from a laptop that’s about an hour away from becoming obsolete – has used the time to disable PHP on the site which will allow the main page to load without the familiar database error you’ve come to know and love. Instead you’ll get that massive error you see now at the top of the page.

But the page loads.

You can’t have everything, you know. We only bought enough database licenses for three people. If you’d buy more shirts we could buy more. You have no one to blame but yourselves.

Actually, I don’t feel so bad because right now Ars Technica’s page is coughing up an error message too.

9:08 AM – Masako’s done. She’s leaning back and smoking a cigarette. Can she do that in here?

Jobs takes the stage! He’s giving a retail update!

BOR-ING!

I’m bored. I’m bored already. Who wants to go hang out at the Rogue Amoeba booth and check out girls?

9:15 AM – No bloodshed yet, but Steve’s at the top of his game. He’s whipping the crowd into a fever pitch. We’re only about 7 minutes in and the front row is already standing up and pounding on the stage. There’s a mosh pit forming.

I hate mosh pits.

Pulled my hammy in one back in the day.

Any-hoo, blah, blah, blah, Apple’s doing really well. Have you heard? Sold a bunch of stuff, 3/4 of a billion iTunes songs, etc.

3/4 of a billion? Look, call me when it’s a billion, OK? I mean… 3/4 of a billion? What is that? Does anyone even know how much that is? I mean, c’mon.

9:16 AM – Some guy behind us just said that 3/4 of a billion is 750 million.

That’s 750 million.

Oh, hey, that was Al Gore.

9:22 AM – OK, now we’re getting somewhere.

New iPod remote with FM tuner. Works with all iPod models except the one you have.

What?

How does he know which one I have?

What?

Wait, that’s not fair

9:30 AM – New Widgets!

Widgets? I flew 700 miles for Widgets?

Widgets.

I’m getting a drink. Anybody want one?

Slo gin fizz for me… cosmo for Masako… beer for Chet… water for Howard… liquid hydrogen for the Entity…

Oh, great. I’m going to have to leave the building for that

9:35 AM – Fortunately the waiter came by, so I don’t have to go out.

OK, now we’re on to iPhoto. New limit is 250,000 photos. He doesn’t state how many of those can be porn…

Someone should ask him.

Chet, raise your hand.

No, you do it.

He doesn’t like me.

No, I’ve never spoken with him, but… I’m still just uncomfortable about the… the… you know…

The “did not know that” post.

OK, well, Chet’s too much of a girl to ask about the porn limit in the new iPhoto, but Apple’s also improved the editing capabilities (ooh, man, there is literally steam rising from the Adobe section…), higher quality books and calendars with your photos. PhotoCasting is Flickr-like internet albums with passwords and RSS subscriptions. Calendars can import events from iCal and birthdays from AddressBook.

Jobs demos and says “Like my daughter’s birthday. I can never remember when that is. Not the one I like. Hers I know. The one I don’t like.”

That’s a little weird.

9:45 AM – iMovie now has realtime effects and audio tools.

I knew an audio tool once.

Used to do sound stuff at the school auditorium.

What a jerk.

iDVD supports other burners. GarageBand now has a podcasting studio with royalty-free jingles. Wealthy Apple customers may have royalty-based jingles created for them by such bands as The White Stripes and Sleater-Kinney. Costs $650,000 per jingle.

“But don’t you want the very best?” Steve asks. “Hmm? Hmm?”

I hate it when he does that. Now I have to buy one. And where the hell am I going to get $650,000?

Pff. Looks like I’m going on another crime spree…

9:55 AM – iWeb! Web design application with blog/RSS/podcast/AJAX/slideshow capabilities!

Strangely, Jobs keeps calling it Claris HomePage.

Why is he doing that? That’s not like him.

No. No, Steve. That was a long time ago.

Steve?

Hello?!

He did it again.

10:03 AM – iLife ’06 is available today for $79, free with all new Macs.

Free… with all… new Macs.

Eeeeyup.

I’m sure that’s just the first of several slaps in the face to the author of this coverage who bought himself a new PowerBook three weeks ago.

Ah, well. I knew it at the time.

No, no. It’s fine.

I’m not angry.

10:15 AM – INTEL!!!!

INTEL, BITCHES!!!!

People are going absolutely berserk! Al Gore has ripped his shirt off and he’s got the new Intel logo painted on his chest! Sinbad is screaming “IN-TEL! IN-TEL! IN-TEL!” Robin Williams (not the Mac book author) is…

Well, he’s just always kind of embarrassingly overboard.

10:20 AM – 17 and 20-inch iMacs go Intel! THEY’RE SHIPPING TODAY!

OMFG!

OMFG!!!!!

OM…

Wait a minute.

I don’t need an iMac.

10:32 AM – INTEL-DUAL CORE DUO-BASED MACBOOK PRO!!!

“The PowerBook is dead.”

Oh, my god, just as Steve said that Masako’s PowerBook went dead.

Wait, he didn’t mean that literally, did he?

10:40 AM – The MacBook Pro ships in February features an iSight, IR sensor and remote, scrolling trackpad, magnetic power adapter that just touch-attaches, and 10,000 other brand-new failure points!!! Steve says it is the Mac laptop for those of you tired of all the existing failure points and class-action lawsuits!

10:45 AM – Aaaaaaaaand that’s it.

No black shuffle. No plasma TV (Jason O’Grady is now 0 for 8 for those of you keeping track at home). No blood bath in the Moscone Center.

Huh.

Well.

Lunch?

No Responses to “Macworld 2006 Keynote Coverage!”

  1. John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith says:

    first post?

  2. John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith says:

    That said, I am haivng problems with CARS. Mor ofterhn than not I get:

    SQL/DB Error — [

    1. Error establishing a database connection!Are you sure you have the correct user/password?

    2. Are you sure that you have typed the correct hostname?

    3. Are you sure that the database server is running?

    ]

    SQL/DB Error — [

    1. Error selecting database mtdb!Are you sure it exists?

    2. Are you sure there is a valid database connection?

    ]

    SQL/DB Error — []

    Error executing error template.

    Reloading eventually makes it go away but this was happenign before the MWSF.

  3. JJJS says:

    SSoSo So will each update from Moltz offer the chance of anew first post?

  4. caveman says:

    I made it in I made it in! 4th post!!!AA

  5. John Moltz says:

    I know! Isn’t it GREAT?!

    Oh, wait, I was thinking of something else.

    Something that was great.

  6. John Moltz says:

    Well, how do you like those errors at the top?

    They’re more verbose and cluttered, but rest of the page loads.

    Better A or B?

    A or B?

  7. Have you tried whipping Masako?

    I bet that will help!

  8. mr. seven says:

    seven

  9. Del says:

    Stupid Site Protect!

    I need an update. What’s going on people. Someone tell me I’m missing it.

  10. JJJS says:

    II I much prefer the site at leasts loading. Is that option B?

    This should be fun having Moltz’s take on it all. Of course if I wanted real news I would go to AtAT.

  11. JJJS says:

    iPhoto improved in iLife 06The big question is if Masako will be doing any photo casting.

  12. Del says:

    “Some buy behind us”

    I know you guys are busy with the live updating and all, but shouldn’t that be either guy or bi (if we are talking about sexual orientation).

  13. Del says:

    Also is Howard there taking pictures? Engadget’s St. Bernard has managed to get a couple good ones so far.

  14. Even when being a bit finiky the CARS site dishes up fun and frolic!

    Did you get this one?

    Error [$errno] $errstr

    \n”; echo “error in line $errline of file $errfile”; echo “, PHP ” . PHP_VERSION . ” (” . PHP_OS . “)

    \n”; echo ” –“.”>”; } function IgAdErrorHandler($errno, $errstr, $errfile, $errline){} if (isset($_GET[“{$link_id}_debug”])) { print “\n”; $ad_error_handler = “DebugAdErrorHandler”; } else { $ad_error_handler = “IgAdErrorHandler”; } function custom_parse_str($buffer){ $admap = array(); $kvs = explode(‘&’, $buffer); $i = 0; while ($i 0) { $fp = @fopen($cache_file_name, ‘w’); if($fp) { fwrite($fp, $buffer); fwrite($fp, “&cache_time=”.(string)(time() + 14400)); fclose($fp); } } } if(count($admap) == 0) { $fp = @fopen($cache_file_name, ‘w’); if($fp) { fwrite($fp, $buffer); fwrite($fp, “&cache_time=”.(string)(time() + 3600)); fclose($fp); } } } restore_error_handler(); function adcell_get($title, $admap, $ad_error_handler) { set_error_handler($ad_error_handler); $result = ($admap[urlencode($title)]); if($result and get_magic_quotes_gpc()) { $result = stripslashes($result); } print $result; restore_error_handler(); } ?>

    I did, and it blew my mind young lads.

    I never worry though, it’s because CARS is the number one crazy rumor site, so expect heavy traffic and wacky messages!!! Hooray for CARS!!! Hooray for Mac-Expo-Con-A-Ganza-World!

  15. UhhhDude says:

    Oh, you should view this page in IE (better known as aiiiIEeeee!). Nice error command at the top, nothing but Courier text loading elsewhere. Talk about flesh being ripped from bones…

    DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY STICKS, BILL GATES!!

  16. JJJS says:

    Maybe Moltz and Masako should use the new iWeb application to run CARS.

  17. JJJS says:

    A great keynote cast – especially since I got first post.

    Thanks Moltz.

    Will be interesting to see actual benchmarks on the new INtel based Macs.

  18. Angus MacSpon says:

    But what about iBatman? I was expecting them to release iBatman!

    I mean … iSpidey is getting BORING.

  19. El Capitano says:

    JJJS – I swear Jobs said iWeb won’t work on PowerBooks, especially not ones bought in the last month. Something about any doofus daft enough to buy hardware just before MWSF deserving all they get. I don’t quite know what he meant.

  20. John Moltz says:

    Speed thee to hell, el Capitano!

    Hmm.

    I kind of like the sound of that.

    “Speed thee to hell, el Capitano!”

    That’s going to be my new catch-phrase. Sort of like, “Sit on it, Potsie.” Someone will zing me and I’ll reply “Speed thee to hell, el Capitano!”

    Um…

    What were we talking about?

    Ah, dammit! Why did I buy a PowerBook?!

    Oh, wait, I remember. It was because Gruber did. I do everything Gruber does.

    I, uh, just do it less efficiently.

  21. IE?! Hell, I don’t even use that crab trap. To be quite honest; I stopped using PCs about four years ago and only use Macs. I was saving that for Howard Stern’s Staff Revelation segment, but then I’m not on the staff there.

    This article is awesome! I just realized that your supposed to read it from the bottom to the top. I feel like an Australian! Good day, McMatie! Let’s put another koala on the barbie! I’ve got a right bobbie-dazzler rash!

    Oh, we’ve got XP (no Vista in site… huh, Vista, site, HA!) running on the MacBook Pro! The iMac is almost there too. I’m just joshin’. We’re going to release a new Virtual PC XP for Intel MacPros that is not really very virtual at all. More like real XP on top of Mac OS X Quartz in a chassis that does not smell like Michael Dell’s ass hairs. Think of looking through a beautiful picture frame at a huge steaming turd. It’s breathtaking!

  22. El Capitano says:

    I think you’re doing yourself a disservice there, JM. You don’t do _everything_ Gruber does. For starters, you didn’t goof on your predictions for today’s MWSF anywhere near as spectacularly as Daring Fireball did.

  23. Ryan Bayne says:

    Ayyyy! Sit on it Potsie!

    Oh wait, no, that’s not why I’m commenting. Aren’t you worried about the competetive threat of Super Secret Apple Rumors? You don’t want to become the Karelia of the Apple industry, do you?

  24. Ace Deuce says:

    Ahh. There’s life on CARS again!

  25. Streetrabbit says:

    From the bottom up…

    First Post!

  26. noonan says:

    must admit… was expecting a little more out of Apple this year. good showing nonetheless

    i got my hands on a (satirical) transcript of Jobs’ speech earlier today. you can read it for yourself at http://www.noonanville.blogspot.com

    long live Apple

  27. mac mac bo bac says:

    Sooo… if the PowerBook is becoming the MacBook… presumaby it follows that the PowerMac will become the MacMac?

  28. Aaron says:

    Intel “power Macs” will be “Macintosh Pro”. I’ve said so since WWDC, but now I’d bet on it.

    I’m disappointed that supersecretapplerumors.com forwards to some Jesus freak site.

  29. Huh? says:

    Well, my pants are thouroghly enjoying Macworld. Not even seen a quarter of the show floor yet.

    moo.

  30. Nxxx says:

    Brilliant reporting CARS team. I’m proud and consider it an honour to be allowed to post here.

    (Is that what you wanted, John?)

  31. dunno says:

    thirtyfor

  32. Nxxx says:

    Just watched the video, well it is 09:50 over here (cough) well if Steve can do it, I can copy.

    John, John, John. How could you miss the eight pound ten inch screen iPod. I now feel like a complete idiot, not having heard a rumour about it, the rest you got right. He did announce G6 iDinosaurs and G7 Portable iTruckbacks.

    Do try harder in future.

  33. MOT says:

    Jobs didn’t mention the pedal bike operated power pack: the new essential tool for the wireless MacBook Pro user.

    MacBook Cheap: the new iBook (cheap denotes the user, not the actual price which still has customary 97% profit margin)

  34. Anonymous says:

    Surely the PowerMac will become MacMac?

    PowerBook is to MacBook as PowerMac is to…

  35. Curtis says:

    Thanks for flipping the order – much easier to read while milk sprays from my nose!

    -=Curtis=-

  36. Anonymous says:

    http://www.songstowearpantsto.com

    because jingles shouldn’t have to cost $650,000.

  37. burleyLIZhurley says:

    who was the guy on stage at the start, doing the ‘warm up’…black shirt nicely tucked in, stubbly beard, glasses…was it Steven Seagal?

  38. Jennifer Connolly says:

    Is it true? Is it true? I heard that Paul Otellini announced that Intel was changing its name to iNtel!

  39. Mr. Too-much-coffee says:

    I heard they wanted to call it *NTEL, which sounds like a synthetic pop band with it’s own reality TV show, and who’s songs are all about celebrity rumours.

  40. Huh? says:

    My pants are suddenly jealous.

    moo

  41. Psyko says:

    The PowerMac will undoubtedly be replaced by the MacTower Overkill.

    The Mac mini will be replaced by the mini Intel Mac.

    The iBook will most definitely become an I-for-IntelBook Mac.

    MARK

  42. Drew Thaler says:

    According to inside sources, 249,999 of them can be porn. Why 249,999? Steve feels very strongly that you should always keep a picture of your mother around.

    But watch out. iPhoto ’06 includes code to make it pop up at random while you’re watching that pornographic slideshow to the tune of “What a Wonderful World”.