11 Jan 06CARS Files Suit Against Apple.


Astute readers of Crazy Apple Rumors Site will have noticed that there was one item in Steve Jobs’ Macworld keynote that we didn’t comment on yesterday.

Steve’s mock podcast.

For those of you who didn’t get a chance to attend the keynote or view the QuickTime video-on-demand or have it performed for you by members of the Riverdance troupe as it would have been delivered by Celtic dancers over 1,000 years ago, here’s the text of Jobs’ sample podcast demoing the new Podcast Studio feature of GarageBand.

Hi, I’m Steve, and welcome to my weekly podcast, Super Secret Apple Rumors. Featuring the hottest rumors about our favorite company. I have some pretty good sources inside Apple and this is what I’m hearing. The next iPod will be huge – an 8 pounder with a 10-inch screen. Also, Apple’s working with other companies to get iPods everywhere. Well, that’s all for today, see you next week.

Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Very funny, technology boy!

Or, rather, it would be very funny if it were not deadly serious. For, you see, in making with the funny ha-ha, Mr. Jobs has violated the intellectual property rights of Crazy Apple Rumors Site and its parent company, Giant Squid Productions.

While CARS has never actually reported Apple would release an 8 pound iPod with a 10-inch screen, the mere thought of such a device is a direct infringement of what legal experts like to call “schtick.”

Steve Jobs violated our schtick.

And this will not stand. We will have restitution.

To that end, Giant Squid Productions filed suit in California state court against Apple seeking damages to the tune of $6.4 million dollars.

Or a free 30-inch Cinema Display.

Or… one of those little… iPod tuner jobbies.

In general, we like to be cordial in our relationship with Apple (with the possible exception of the shoving match that took place between the Entity and Steve Jobs at a Cupertino Putt-Putt). But we know for a fact that Jobs’ source on the 8 pound iPod is a CARS source. One you might have heard of. Whose name rhymes with “Kill Phyllis Diller.”

That’s right.

You know who I’m talkin’ ’bout.

Apple’s very own… Bill Miller.

Works in the Woodfield Apple Store.

Bill is an exclusive source to CARS, and Jobs – in what legal experts call force majeure – majorly forced Bill to tip him off about the 8 pound iPod with the 10-inch screen. And what’s so pathetic is that Jobs couldn’t even get it right. it’s not a 10-inch screen, it’s a 20-inch screen – I mean, the 17-inch PowerBook is 7 pounds. That’s 2.43 inches per pound.

Do the frickin’ math.

We encourage Apple to do the right thing and make good by a valued member of the Macintosh community.

That’s us.

I’m talking about us.

No Responses to “CARS Files Suit Against Apple.”

  1. Anonymous says:

    first

  2. shadowfax says:

    Damn you.

    Second.

    And very, very sad.

  3. Myke says:

    Ha, I was wondering if CARS would be responding to Steve’s blatant theft of your intel-schtictual property.

  4. VirgoSum says:

    Third.

  5. Zeb says:

    FORE!! I, mean uh, four

  6. peter says:

    BOING!!!!

    it’s DEFINITELY time to go to bed.

  7. yabbaDabbaDoo says:

    seventhest!

  8. Nxxx says:

    John,

    Following my second post yesterday, I’m going to sue you for taking my schtick. You are due at the Small Claim Court in Aylesbury, Buckinghamshire, U.K. next Tuesday, 17th. January 2006 at 9 am GMT prompt.

    See ya.

  9. JAV says:

    Today’s news article was my idea. I’m suing you.

    JAV

  10. rim says:

    This is the last time I will tell you that I am only looking for HWP GMs who want some NSA and have some party favors. Now what’s all this chatter about apples. What’you have that’s big as an apple?

  11. Huh? says:

    Pseudo humorous posts about pants seem to be my only idea.

    Oh, well….

    moo

    oh, eleven.

  12. Streetrabbit says:

    Did someone say apple cordial?

    Where?

  13. Will Feldhusen says:

    Who to believe?

    Jobs or Moltz?

    I’ll believe Tentaculous.

  14. Ahnyer Keester says:

    I say we hit Moltz with a schtick. And then a lawsuit.

  15. I predict an out of court settlement. CARS will be awarded an iPod sock as compensation, Jobs will commit to never again mentioning an 8 pound iPod and Moltz will get dinner and a movie with Nancy Heinen.

  16. Brent says:

    I think you’re right, John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith. Sad, though, ’cause I want CARS to win this one. I want to see Apple go DOWN!

    …wait a minute.

  17. Psyko says:

    Psyko, resident super genius, has returned.

    MARK

  18. UhhhDude says:

    Did I read this right? Is John Moltz suing Phyllis Diller because Steve Jobs killed her with an 8-lb. iPod sock? And then some guy at the Apple Store wins a 30-in. Cinema Display? And Jack Miller damaged his podcast to the tune of $6.4 mil? All this while The Entity is playing minigolf with Tentaculous?

    If so, I want in on that action!

    PS: Masako, we mourn for your dead PowerBook. Bring it by the house and I’ll be more than happy to resuscitate you, I mean, it.

  19. Slowpoke says:

    pffh! I’m sick to the back teeth of people suing Apple over every little thing that springs to mind! You people are just scum trying to sponge a living off a great company instead of working for it like everyon- oh, wait, no… I just got it…. ha ha ha! very funny!

  20. “performed for you by members of the Riverdance troupe as it would have been delivered by Celtic dancers over 1,000 years ago”

    laffing!

    all the way to the bank!

    to get some change!

    just enough coins to fill an ipod sock!

    thus to whack you over the head with the aforementioned!

    ~

  21. Brent says:

    Hey, I can’t believe I just realized this. Steve even stole the exact name of a CARS regular feature! Anyone else see that?

  22. Ahnyer Keester says:

    I loves me some “SQL/DB Error”!!!

    Yes UhhhDude, you read it right. The rest of us read it all wrong.

    Unless I read your post wrong and then that means that it was wrong so you are right that you read it wrong. But did I type what I typed correctly?

    Uh….

    More “SQL/DB Error” plese, the functional version of CARS makes my head ache.

  23. Walking Contradiction says:

    Funny thing I noticed watching a streaming video this morning (no not screaming – streaming; clean out your eyes dude!).

    Some dude parades out in a white “bunny suit” that looks an awful lot like a Storm Trooper uniform. Then there’s this guy in all black, obviously missing his Darth Vader helmet. Then it started – the theme music for the evil empire. Not the windoze startup music junk, I mean that old Star Wars “duh-duh-duhduh-duh-duhduh-duh-duhduh” stuff. I hear it clear as day, but some people tell me it was just in my head.

    Either way – the dark side has won.

  24. scared monster says:

    I just have this one thing to say:

    never, I mean: never; would Bill Gates have acted like that.

    Now draw some conclusion line from this.

    I said Conclusion, not Occlusion.

  25. Anonymous says:

    “the dark side has won”

    I’d say that if Steve Jobs can make the CEO of Intel appear on stage in a bunny suit, Apple has won.

  26. iBode says:

    Congratulations, Moltz.

    This one was hilarious.