13 Jan 06Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today, Crazy Apple Help Desk wrong numbers!


MALE VOICE: Gloria!
A: Huh?
FEMALE VOICE: Oh, Karl. I’ve told you – it’s over!
MALE VOICE: I refuse to accept that, Gloria!
A: Uh, do you have an Apple question?
FEMALE VOICE: Hello?
MALE VOICE: Who is that?! Is that him?! Is that your lover?!
A: Uhhh…
FEMALE VOICE: Him?! Please. When I take a lover, Karl, it’ll be someone far better than him!
A: Hey!
MALE VOICE: Yes. He is rather scrawny sounding.
A: Wha- hey! I don’t sound scrawny!
FEMALE VOICE: But don’t try to make this about sex, Karl. It’s never been about sex.
MALE VOICE: Oh, it’s about sex, Gloria. It’s always about sex with you!
A: Did you two conference me in for some reason or something? Is there a Mac question coming up any time in the near future?
FEMALE VOICE: Well, maybe the reason I complain about the sex is because you’re so bad at it!
A: Oooh, that’s gonna leave a mark.
MALE VOICE: Well, you… you never cared about my orgasms!
FEMALE VOICE: …
A: …
MALE VOICE: … Um…
A: Don’t look at me, dude. I don’t even know what that means.


Q: Yeah, I have a Dell Dimension and I’d like to add a second hard drive to it. Can you tell me how to do that?
A: Oh, you can’t. You can’t have more than one hard drive with Windows.
Q: Um… yes you can.
A: Oh. Well, then, I guess it’s Dells you can’t add more than one hard drive to.
Q: It’s a tower with an extra hard drive bay. I just need to know how to hook up the cables.
A: Hmm. I don’t think so. I think you need to get a Mac. I know those take extra hard drives.
Q: Except the iMac.
A: Um… right. Except the iMac.
Q: And… and the… Mac mini.
A: Well… yeah. I mean… it’s so small and…
Q: Um…
A: There… wouldn’t be the room. But a Power Mac G5…
Q: You seem to have some… issues with Windows machines.
A: No… no I don’t.
Q: Well, don’t get defensive. It’s just that you seem, I don’t know… you seem to want them to fail.
A: I guess… I don’t know. I guess it all goes back to my relationship with my mother…
Q: Um… so you can’t help me with my hard drive question?
A: See, my mother… [sniff]… always held me at arms length.
Q: Oh, boy.
A: And I mean that literally. She had massive shoulders and she held me that way until I was 13.
Q: What number did I dial?


Q: ‘Ello?
A: Uh… yes?
Q: Raul?
A: No, look. No. Raul, um, no esta aqui.
Q: Quondo?
A: No Raul! OK? No Raul! Raul is no longer welcome here!
Q: Heh?
A: No more late nights drinking martinis and then hopping into the car and driving to Vegas at 2 AM. No more sultry Latina women traipsing through the office at all hours of the day and night when we’re trying to work. No more bull fights, no more Cuban cigars, no more car chases with sinister South American death squads through the streets of Medellin, and certainly no more weekends of wild sex with that Brazilian dance troupe.

Hey… wait a minute…

Why did we get rid of Raul?
Q: Er… heh? Raul?

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Gary says:

    Its been a long time/ First

  2. Gary says:

    Oh, and no error messages-except the one that seemed to flash for a split second as this comment screen was loading. Maybe I am just delerious from the first post.

  3. UhhhDude says:

    Third! Boo-yah!

  4. Spell Czech says:

    ¿Que es un ‘Quondo’? Ése no es cómo deletrea “cuando.”

    Díos mio…

    Otra vez: Raúl está a mi casa. ¿Recuerdes?

  5. Omar Qazi says:

    TOP FIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. John Moltz says:

    Cooooool.

    Now put a couple of hands on it and make it goatse.

  7. Nxxx says:

    Showing off with extra colours? Very childish. Like a kid with a new colouring set. Excellent.

    post script:-We’ve got a vacancy at work, can you give us Raul’s address?

  8. fatbo says:

    um. nine.

    I suck at this.

  9. Zeb says:

    Raul gone eh? That means no more under the desk exploits either eh Johnny boy?

  10. Ace Deuce says:

    Eleven massive shoulders!

  11. Alaskan Fuckup says:

    John Moltz is tripping some crazy chon yo…

  12. Fiko says:

    Who or what is John Moltz?

  13. Will Feldhusen says:

    Gee, now Raul is back too.

    I wish I’d taken Spanish.

    Wait, I did.

    Huh…

  14. The Invisible Evil Boys' Choir says:

    RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL!

    RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL!

    RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL!

    RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL! RAUL!

  15. Chad says:

    Actually, the POS Dell desktop we have is gimped in such a fashion that you CAN’T install another hard drive into the machine. You can’t replace the optical drives without literally destroying the case, too. No, I’m not joking.

    While many of the PC desktop tower cases I’ve had over the years generally had 3 5″ bays and at least two 3.5″ bays, the Dell desktop I unfortunately have in my house was constructed in such a way that only ONE 3.5″ bay was put in, no floppy drive (or bay), and both 5″ optical bays are occupied by two optical drives (one a CD-RW, the other a simple CD-ROM which was SUPPOSED to have been a DVD-ROM, but Dell “forgot” to put in the DVD they promised…again).

    So, actually don’t joke too much about Dells that can’t have a second hard drive put into them…because some of them can’t. A specially designed case (iMac, laptop, etc.) can be understandable that extra hardware cannot always be installed, but the main advantage of a tower desktop is its capability to install a variety of extra hardware to make it EXPANDABLE. Even though the iMac is a custom designed computer, I’ve still been able to take it apart to install new hard drives, RAM, etc. into one. That same POS Dell was designed so the optical drives cannot be removed because the case was fused to the metal so I can’t reach the damn screws so I can swap out the CD-ROM with a DVD-ROM, or something that is actually useful!

    But I’m not bitter or anything.

  16. John C. Randolph says:

    Chad,

    Don’t be bitter. Just put that Dell POS on E-bay and get the sixty bucks or so, and treat yourself to a nice dinner at a decent restaurant.

    -jcr

  17. Psyko says:

    Chad, what you should do is steal some dynamite, strap it onto that stupid Dell piece of obvious crap and blow the sucker to smithereens. Make sure to record the even from a few angles and make a video. Then sell copies of the video. It is the only use Dells have on this planet.

    MARK

  18. iBode says:

    Psyko, I’ll have you remember that blowing up Dells was my idea.

    Back when CompUSA or where ever was selling them for $50.

    Or was it smash them…

    No matter.

  19. MPLS Guy says:

    Take the Dell to Wisconsin Dells, throw it in a pool and yell, “Back to the dell with …”

    Naw, that’s dum.

  20. Nós certos faltamos Raul. Era tal freak.

  21. The Invisible Mute Boys Choir says:

    [..]! [..]! [..]! [..]! [..]! [..]! [..]![..]! [..]! [..]!

    [..]! [..]! [..]! [..]! [..]! [..]! [..]![..]! [..]! [..]!

    [..]! [..]! [..]! [..]! [..]! [..]! [..]![..]! [..]! [..]!

    [..]! [..]! [..]! [..]! [..]! [..]! [..]![..]! [..]! [..]!