Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today, Crazy Apple Help Desk wrong numbers!

A: Huh?
FEMALE VOICE: Oh, Karl. I’ve told you – it’s over!
MALE VOICE: I refuse to accept that, Gloria!
A: Uh, do you have an Apple question?
MALE VOICE: Who is that?! Is that him?! Is that your lover?!
A: Uhhh…
FEMALE VOICE: Him?! Please. When I take a lover, Karl, it’ll be someone far better than him!
A: Hey!
MALE VOICE: Yes. He is rather scrawny sounding.
A: Wha- hey! I don’t sound scrawny!
FEMALE VOICE: But don’t try to make this about sex, Karl. It’s never been about sex.
MALE VOICE: Oh, it’s about sex, Gloria. It’s always about sex with you!
A: Did you two conference me in for some reason or something? Is there a Mac question coming up any time in the near future?
FEMALE VOICE: Well, maybe the reason I complain about the sex is because you’re so bad at it!
A: Oooh, that’s gonna leave a mark.
MALE VOICE: Well, you… you never cared about my orgasms!
A: …
A: Don’t look at me, dude. I don’t even know what that means.

Q: Yeah, I have a Dell Dimension and I’d like to add a second hard drive to it. Can you tell me how to do that?
A: Oh, you can’t. You can’t have more than one hard drive with Windows.
Q: Um… yes you can.
A: Oh. Well, then, I guess it’s Dells you can’t add more than one hard drive to.
Q: It’s a tower with an extra hard drive bay. I just need to know how to hook up the cables.
A: Hmm. I don’t think so. I think you need to get a Mac. I know those take extra hard drives.
Q: Except the iMac.
A: Um… right. Except the iMac.
Q: And… and the… Mac mini.
A: Well… yeah. I mean… it’s so small and…
Q: Um…
A: There… wouldn’t be the room. But a Power Mac G5…
Q: You seem to have some… issues with Windows machines.
A: No… no I don’t.
Q: Well, don’t get defensive. It’s just that you seem, I don’t know… you seem to want them to fail.
A: I guess… I don’t know. I guess it all goes back to my relationship with my mother…
Q: Um… so you can’t help me with my hard drive question?
A: See, my mother… [sniff]… always held me at arms length.
Q: Oh, boy.
A: And I mean that literally. She had massive shoulders and she held me that way until I was 13.
Q: What number did I dial?

Q: ‘Ello?
A: Uh… yes?
Q: Raul?
A: No, look. No. Raul, um, no esta aqui.
Q: Quondo?
A: No Raul! OK? No Raul! Raul is no longer welcome here!
Q: Heh?
A: No more late nights drinking martinis and then hopping into the car and driving to Vegas at 2 AM. No more sultry Latina women traipsing through the office at all hours of the day and night when we’re trying to work. No more bull fights, no more Cuban cigars, no more car chases with sinister South American death squads through the streets of Medellin, and certainly no more weekends of wild sex with that Brazilian dance troupe.

Hey… wait a minute…

Why did we get rid of Raul?
Q: Er… heh? Raul?