In a disturbing sign, reliable sources indicate that Apple has followed Microsoft’s lead in using zombie focus groups to name its products. Their first influence was revealed this week when Steve Jobs announced that the venerable name “PowerBook” had been replaced by the widely despised “MacBook Pro.”
According to sources, some time early in September a group of zombies was seen being herded into a restricted area of the Apple campus. Some time shortly thereafter a sign stating “FOCUS GROUP IN SESSION. SHHH!!!” was hung on the door.
“Everyone knows zombies don’t like loud noises,” said an Apple employee who declined to be identified. “Plus, I think I saw them delivering cow brains to that room.
“Now, actually, I know that [Senior Vice President of Software Engineering Bertrand] Serlet enjoys the occasional cow brain – it’s a French thing – but I’m talking about crates of them. Serlet would barf if he ate that many cow brains.
“Trust me, it’s definitely zombies. I used to work at Oracle.”
Experts believe the effect of zombie-named Apple products could be chilling.
“Imagine how well the iPod would have sold if it were called ‘the Apple Music Media Device,'” said the New York Times’ David Pogue. “Or iLife if it were called ‘the Apple Digital Media Living Enhancement Software Pack Home Edition LE.’
“This could get really ugly.”
Officially, Apple has steadfastly denied that it is using zombies for anything but food service in Caffe Macs.
“Zombies?!” said Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller. “Have you been coming by here on Monday morning?! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!”
Schiller proceeded to laugh in a forced manner for several moments.
“Aaaaaahhh… But, no, seriously, I categorically deny we’ve started to use zombies for focus groups to come up with names for our products.
Schiller declined to explain the large bite mark on his forehead.
“Umm… no comment.”