12 Jan 06Apple Also Using Zombie Focus Groups.


In a disturbing sign, reliable sources indicate that Apple has followed Microsoft’s lead in using zombie focus groups to name its products. Their first influence was revealed this week when Steve Jobs announced that the venerable name “PowerBook” had been replaced by the widely despised “MacBook Pro.”

According to sources, some time early in September a group of zombies was seen being herded into a restricted area of the Apple campus. Some time shortly thereafter a sign stating “FOCUS GROUP IN SESSION. SHHH!!!” was hung on the door.

“Everyone knows zombies don’t like loud noises,” said an Apple employee who declined to be identified. “Plus, I think I saw them delivering cow brains to that room.

“Now, actually, I know that [Senior Vice President of Software Engineering Bertrand] Serlet enjoys the occasional cow brain – it’s a French thing – but I’m talking about crates of them. Serlet would barf if he ate that many cow brains.

“Trust me, it’s definitely zombies. I used to work at Oracle.”

Experts believe the effect of zombie-named Apple products could be chilling.

“Imagine how well the iPod would have sold if it were called ‘the Apple Music Media Device,'” said the New York Times’ David Pogue. “Or iLife if it were called ‘the Apple Digital Media Living Enhancement Software Pack Home Edition LE.’

“This could get really ugly.”

Officially, Apple has steadfastly denied that it is using zombies for anything but food service in Caffe Macs.

“Zombies?!” said Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller. “Have you been coming by here on Monday morning?! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!”

Schiller proceeded to laugh in a forced manner for several moments.

“Aaaaaahhh… But, no, seriously, I categorically deny we’ve started to use zombies for focus groups to come up with names for our products.

“Categorically.”

Schiller declined to explain the large bite mark on his forehead.

“Umm… no comment.”

No Responses to “Apple Also Using Zombie Focus Groups.”

  1. Todd says:

    mmm… cow brains. Braintastic!

  2. Evilproducer says:

    2nd?

  3. Evilproducer says:

    OMFG! I was 2nd! Holy crap!

    Now back to lurking…

  4. Nejja says:

    4th 😀

  5. Kallaloo says:

    Dey are so many amendments in da constitution …

    but i gotta take Fif!

  6. Eric Mittan says:

    I think they’re still running the zombie madness by the standard Apple marketers. How else could they come up with the slogan: “The New MacBook Pro. Jam packed with brand-new, state of the art, dual core, x86 intel goodness that will run your previously PowerPC-only applications in an emulation layer developed by a third party.”

  7. fatbo says:

    seventh, you mac bitch pros.

  8. Bandar the Invinsible says:

    I’d trade them part of my brain for a new MacBook Pro. But, as to which part… Hmmm…

  9. Ace Deuce says:

    Subteenth!

    I’ve nothing to say about zombie naming conventions, except that zombies tend to name their children things like Spud or Noddy.

  10. Streetrabbit says:

    The only real difference this’ll make is that products will be prefixed with “eye” rather than “i”.

    What?…you’ve never had a zombie chew your eye out?

  11. Carcus says:

    Ed: Any zombies out there?

    Shaun: Don’t say that!

    Ed: What?

    Shaun: That!

    Ed: What?

    Shaun: The “zed” word. Don’t say it!

    Ed: Why not?

    Shaun: Because it’s ridiculous!

    Ed: Alright… are there any, though?

    Shaun: [looking out the door mail slot, sees an empty street] I don’t see any. Maybe it’s not as bad as all that.

    Shaun: [turns his head, sees a pack of zombies] Oh, no, wait, there they are.

    Ed: [Pfst] Sorry Shaun

    Shaun: Wa?

    Ed: Sorry for…

    Shaun: Aw, did you have to do that. That is rank!

  12. scared monster says:

    Miam! De la cervelle de bœuf, un régal.

    Ceci dit, it’s not without a certain reluctance tied to the disgust you inspire me that I have to protest energically:

    as a representant of the Zombie, Vampires, Undead, Transylvanian Farmers & Affiliate Syndicate, I cannot let you say things like…er…we find only boring names for …er…things, and children.

    That’s totally wrong.

  13. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Am I luckey number 13 on Friday the 13th on a zombie post? Is that a bad thing?

  14. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Oh yea, and since no one else claimed them, Number One and Number Three. Which. is. Yet again, a number 13. On a zombie thread.

    My brain is due to be munched, isn’t it?

  15. The Donner Party says:

    Probably the best explanation I have seen as to how we ended up with “MacBook Pro.”

    Blech!

  16. Psyko says:

    Not just the best explanation, but the right one. If it comes from Moltz, you don’t hesitate in your belief.

    MARK

    P.S. I like rain. More importantly I like 26 days of rain. Can we beat the record? Can we make it all the way to, uh, 34? Or is it 36? Dang it, I forget, now I have to look it up.

    Yep, the record is 33, so we need 34. GO RAIN! Keep it up until at least through next saturday.

    MARK

    Another P.S. My roommate gets more and more depressed about the rain everyday. I don’t see how he can get depressed when he is stuck inside the school with a 17″ powerbook all day anyway though.

    MARK

    Final P.S. Sorry Seattleanians that are getting screwed by the rain, but here in the Big F-Dub everything is fine. 😀

    MARK

  17. Del says:

    If Zombies Named All of Apples Products:

    iLife = Media Center Home Edition Pro

    iPod = The George Forman Music Machine which later has to be changed to The George Forman Music and Video Machine.

  18. Brent says:

    Huh. I actually like the term “MacBook Pro.” It’s a Mac. Everyone’s familiar with “-Book” to describe a Macintosh laptop. And it’s the Professional version of their laptops.

    It’s not the best name in the world, granted. But it seems fine to me.

  19. Picker of Nits says:

    Mooooooooooooooltz!

    Am I the only one still seeing this sort of thing (see below)? I mean, yeah, you see it here as part of my post, but I’m talking about when I try to access the site.

    SQL/DB Error — [

    Error establishing a database connection!

    Are you sure you have the correct user/password?

    Are you sure that you have typed the correct hostname?

    Are you sure that the database server is running?

    ]

    SQL/DB Error — [

    Error selecting database mtdb!

    Are you sure it exists?

    Are you sure there is a valid database connection?

    ]

    SQL/DB Error — []

    Error executing error template.

  20. John Moltz says:

    I know, I know. We’re working on it.

    Trust me, you’re not the only one. We see it all the time.

  21. Picker of Nits says:

    Mooooooooooooooltz!

    Oh, okay. As long as it’s just not me.

    Happy weekend!

  22. Streetrabbit says:

    Weird Scenes Inside A Scottish Intellectuals House.

    “Ahm jist gawn doon tae ra library tae read a MacBook.”

    “Awright, dinnae be lang.”

  23. Patrick says:

    “. . . here in the Big F-Dub everything is fine.”

    F-Dub?

    Fort Worth?

    Fort Wayne?

    Fifth of Whisky?

  24. Jon says:

    How ’bout that Mobile Me trademark? Proof positive.

  25. Will Feldhusen says:

    Zombies?

    Where?

    There Zombies?

    Were Zombies?

    No, there zombies!

    Wait…

  26. John C. Randolph says:

    I’m not certain of this, but I believe Bertrand is Belgian. I don’t think they go for beef brains.

    -jcr

  27. Switcher says:

    Beweeeeere : if Schiller has been bitten, he might turn into Zoooombie himself very soon. If you’re close by, take your own measures.

    And, zombies sir, yes.

    But what KIND of zombies ?

    – the “walker” Romero-trilogy type : slow and hungry, the most common,

    – the “runner” Gore-action-movie type : fast and angry, genetically modified for your entertainment,

    – the “brit” one : fast and angry too. Best before 28 days, it has no carreer in mind,

    – the italian one : no so fast and hungry. A bit outdated these days but still a “valeur sûre” if you’re into 70’s revival.

    And i’m sure i forgot other categories…

  28. limeybloke says:

    There’s also the other ‘Brit’ one a la Shaun of the Dead.

    Difficult to tell it from your average metropolitan non-thinking group-moving event-ignoring brain-dead London commuter.

  29. limeybloke says:

    Well, until it tries to eat your brains that is.

    And even then it could just be a Coked-up Chav.