25 Jan 06Apple Employs Over 1,000 Eunuchs.


An interesting statistic was revealed when Apple reported its quarterly results on January 18th.

According to the company’s report filed with the SEC, Apple employs over 1,000 eunuchs.

Chief Operating Officer Tim Cook explained, the company recognized the value of employing eunuchs several years ago.

“They’re well-educated and they’re very hard workers,” Cook said. “It’s good for the company and it’s good for them. They don’t like to talk about it, but a lot of them haven’t had work since the 1920s when the Chinese emperor was overthrown.”

Cook says that once you get used to their high-pitched voices, their penchant for forming cliques and their tendency to sneak up behind you and scare the bejeezus out of you, the fact that they have no genitals only enters your mind every five or ten seconds while you’re talking to them.

“Frankly, their private life is none of my business,” Cook said. “Although, I hear they throw some wild parties! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

“Uh, but still… none of my business. Just something I heard… around. I wasn’t asking or anything. Sometimes people just tell me stuff.”

Cook indicated that eunuchs hold a variety of positions at Apple.

“They excel at project management, but we also have them in testing and documentation.”

Cook paused a moment before adding “And, yes, a few of them, um… dress [CEO] Steve [Jobs].

“There’s… there’s nothing unusual about that. It’s industry standard.”

36 Responses to “Apple Employs Over 1,000 Eunuchs.”

  1. Breaker says:

    Feh, I’m just posting because nobody loves an octoposter.

  2. John Moltz says:

    Anastasios got auto-banned for posting too fast. I hope we can all learn a valuable lesson from his example.

    Masako just unbanned you, A.

  3. stridey says:

    To those of you not using feeds:

    “WARNING: If you’re a eunuch you’re probably going to find this story a little offensive.

    To our eunuch readers, we apologize.”

    Priceless. Just priceless.

  4. Teh Exploding BOB says:

    If Eunuchs dress Jobs, I’d hate to know what dresses Ballmer…

  5. Carl says:

    Eunuchs don’t have legs. Crazy.

  6. winky says:

    I spotted the eunich in the photo, please send over my ‘ipod shuffler’ immediately! My footmen will will eagerly poised to accept your package. Let me know if they seem a little ‘too eager.’

    Thank you everyone!

    ~Sir Reginald Winky Wilfordshire III, Part II, Revenge of the the Porpoise, Esq.

  7. Will Will says:

    I resent the aforementioned.

    – William Will

  8. Xuande says:

    Oh, no! Will Apple go the way of the Han Dynasty! Its always trouble when you have those evil eunuchs running things!

    Anyway, if Apple does fall apart like the Han Dynasty, I’ve got dibs on 1/3 of it.

  9. gyred says:

    Actually, what’s really funny about this photo, which originally appeared in Time, is that the table is littered with car theft implements. Those criss-crossed bar-like devices are tools for unlocking car doors.

  10. Nxxx says:

    Good on Apple, employing eunuchs, but what about unemployed castrati tenors?

    Yes, I am trying to get you a job at Apple, John, whilst not revealing your dreadful secret.

  11. Will Feldhusen says:

    For once, I am speechless.

  12. Abe Lincolnlogski says:

    This explains the sudden decline of sexual harassment law suits at Apple.

    Question: If “a beard” is the nickname for a woman married to a gay guy, what would be the nickname for a woman married to a eunuch?

  13. Anonymous says:

    To answer Abe’s question I would guess wife.

    My answer to “Spot the Eunuch” is that it’s the guy sitting next to the 17″ PowerBook.

  14. Del says:

    D’Oh forgot to put my name back in. I forgot who I was temporarily.

  15. FooBar the Test Engineer says:

    While, by definition, those of us working as test engineers have been emasculated by our employers, I assure you that we do still have genitals.

    Management puts something in the coffee, so it’s more like a chemical castration sort of deal.

    I gotta get out of this business…

  16. Eunuchs?!??!!1!! Did you say eunuchs?!??!!1!! Holy mother of god in a plastic Target shopping cart, I’ve… we’ve… son of a bitch… we’ve been thinking that Apple’s Mac OS X was based on Unix, not eunuchs?!??!!1!! This totally screws up my secret development project to undermine Apple’s technicial lead. Crap.

    Balmer, when you get a chance… get your monkey ass in my office NOW!!!!

  17. UhhhDude says:

    It took balls to write that story. Or perhaps, not.

  18. Chinese History says:

    Ar.. the Han Dynasty didn’t fall apart because of eunuchs. It was the Ming Dynasty.

  19. I will never see the word “Unix” the same way again.

    Because my eyes just fell out.

  20. 2000guitars says:

    That was a one-of-a-kind story. Completely Eunuch.

  21. iBode says:

    Ouch. All those bad puns are painful.

    I think you know where.

  22. Name Error says:

    SQL/DB Error — [

    Error establishing a database connection!

    Are you sure you have the correct user/password?

    Are you sure that you have typed the correct hostname?

    Are you sure that the database server is running?

    ]

    SQL/DB Error — [

    Error selecting database mtdb!

    Are you sure it exists?

    Are you sure there is a valid database connection?

    ]

    SQL/DB Error — []

    Error executing error template.

  23. I have a photo fetish says:

    Hey yo, where’d they get that photo from (of course sans the Eunuch)… never seen it.

  24. Yanni says:

    I am a eunuch looking for work as a live in housekeeper or house siter. I have work as a nanny too.

  25. Eunic says:

    As a Congenital Eunuch, I have found it best to have a sense of humor, so I enjoyed the story. My only wish is that Eunuchs would be better accepted in society, so more of us would be more open about ourselves. The Eunuchs of India are not a good example of majority of us. Just MOHO.

    Eunic

  26. Ted Michael Morgan says:

    I had thought this must be the case.

  27. Watch movies says:

    Hi
    Awesome post – i’m creating video about it and i will post it to metacafe !
    if you think to help or just need a link send me email !

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