26 Jan 06Jobs Swallows A Bug.


Apple’s fortunes took a turn for the worse today as CEO Steve Jobs inadvertently swallowed a bug.

“Ack!” Jobs called out suddenly as he crossed the quad of the Apple campus.

Flapping his hands at his mouth and sticking his tongue out, Jobs reiterated as if for emphasis “Ack! Ack!

Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller patted Jobs forcefully on the back, attempting to force the bug from him.

“What is it, Steve?” a concerned Chief Operating Officer Tim Cook asked, running up. “Are you OK?”

“I think he swallowed a bug,” Schiller explained.

Jobs nodded and pointed at Schiller, continuing to stick his tongue out and making a retching sound.

As Jobs continued to struggle with his dilemma, it was unknown how this would affect the day-to-day management of the company.

“STEVE?” Cook yelled not twelve inches from Jobs’ face. “DO YOU NEED ME TO TAKE OVER THE COMPANY?”

“He’s not deaf!” Schiller exclaimed. “He just swallowed a bug! And he’s going to be fine!”

Sources in the vegan community were unable to determine whether or not this would affect Jobs’ standing as a non-meat eater.

“Well, did he swallow it on purpose?” asked Angelica Nalley, owner of Grains-N-Things, a local vegan restaurant. “Because if he swallowed it by accident I think it’s fine.”

Other experts did not agree.

“Being a vegan is a very serious moral commitment,” said Ron Chives, editor of Vegan Monthly. “You can’t just swallow a bug and expect to get a free pass. Jobs’ vegan clock just got set back to zero.”

While Jobs was apparently not physically affected by ingesting the bug, his personal revulsion at the incident left him unable to function as Apple’s CEO for several minutes and shares of Apple were down 1.87 on the news.

No Responses to “Jobs Swallows A Bug.”

  1. nobody says:

    I swallowed a bug once.

    Just once.

  2. stridey says:

    In the words of River Tam, “I swallowed a bug”.

    Oh, plus, first! Boom, baby!

  3. nobody says:

    Oh, you just got so owned stridey.

    pride goeth before a fall, and all that.

  4. stridey says:

    Damn. Nobody owns me.

  5. Cheeky says:

    The database bug just big me and now there’s a big red welt on my bum.

  6. Jon says:

    Bug swallow! Bug swallow!

    Sexy sixth.

  7. comacnut says:

    Do I have to eat 7 bugs now.

  8. jobo da hobo says:

    8th

    I hope no one had a patent on that bug

  9. John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith says:

    Eightiest. Maybe Niner. Woulda been 1 had I not had to keep reloading due to the SQL error. Man I hate that.

  10. Omar says:

    TOP TEN!!!!!!

  11. al'Shiek says:

    A bug tried to eat me once. Started in my ear, gnawing at my ear drum. It got to my brain before I could drown it. The doc says that I’m not what I used to be.

    I miss Antsy.

  12. Nxxx says:

    Another bloody MicroSoft attempt to get Jobs?

  13. I call first post, and 13th.

    No this was no plot from up here. I think it was a plot in a Tenacious D eposide though. 😉

  14. Slowpoke says:

    you call this news? well do ya? you do? oh, well… um… carry on then.

  15. jrc says:

    That was hilarious. I’m really not sure why, but it was. Thank you!

  16. Chris says:

    What if Jobs had bugged a swallow?

  17. Karl says:

    If he had died, would it have meant a lot of Jobs lost…

    …sorry… that was terrible…

  18. Bill the Cat says:

    Oop.

    Ack.

    Pthpthpth!

  19. Del says:

    The only way to make sure you maintain your vegan status is to immediately induce vomiting. Hopefully the bug is still alive. If not you must at least attempt CPR. If the bug dies than you do need to give it a proper burial.

  20. I’m afraid the good times may be over!

  21. Anonymous says:

    Conventional wisdom says that everybody, including vegans, swallows tiny spiders from time to time while sleeping. If this is true, then spiders worldwide will likely unite and mount a retaliatory assault. Are we ready for this?

  22. Ace Deuce says:

    Conventional wisdom says that everybody, including vegans, swallows tiny spiders from time to time while sleeping. If this is true, then spiders worldwide will likely unite and mount a retaliatory assault. Are we ready for this?

  23. 2000guitars says:

    Really, this is one of the only bugs Apple has ever had… Steve wouldn’t know a bug if it hit him in the, er, uh…….

  24. Think about this one; that bug, if ingested, is now part of the single largest Disney shareholder in the world…

    It’s a bug’s life…

    (sorry, it had to be said)

    Now, take my tapeworm… please!

    Thank you, thank you!

    Tip your waitresses, enjoy the veal, I’ll be here all week, and I’m not a vegan.

  25. CTHULHU says:

    I SWALLOWED A VEGAN ONCE! SPAT THE PUNY MORTAL OUT IMMEDIATELY, IT WAS SO FOUL!! THEN I HAD TO DEVOUR QUITE A FEW REGULAR SOULS JUST TO LOSE THE AFTERTASTE!!!

    THE HORROR WAS UNSPEAKABLE!!!!!

  26. blank says:

    If Steve had asked one of the eunuchs to walk ahead of him, this never would have happened.

  27. J. Random Slaker says:

    I accidentally swallowed a bacon double cheeseburger with side of fries. Does that mean I am no longer vegan?

  28. Did you throw it up afterwards? If so, yes, but you have to call yourself a regurgavegan from now on.

  29. Sudo Nym says:

    Actually, the bug Jobs swallowed was that cute little ant from A Bug’s Life. Disney says the deal for Pixar is OFF!

  30. gordo says:

    30TH !!!!!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOO!

    bitches

  31. Zounds Padang says:

    BUG SWALLOW! BUG SWALLOW! THE GOOD TIMES ARE OVER!

    /H*R

  32. Will Feldhusen says:

    That’s funny. I thought that the choir was going to sing “ACK!”.

    Where are they?

  33. andrew says:

    gawd, i have to stop reading this site when i have walking pneumonia, i’m going to laugh then cough myself to death. i love this site.

  34. Lets think about this objectively. Is there really any meat on an actual bug especially if said bug is a gnat (emphasize the “g” people)? I must say though as a member of PETA I do take offense. P E T A

    e a a n

    o t s i

    p i t m

    l n y a

    e g l

    s

  35. Lillian says:

    Good site, nice design! Visit my sites, please:

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