27 Jan 06Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I read your story yesterday and I’m afraid I don’t share your glib attitude about Steve Jobs’ swallowing a bug.
A: Glib? Look, we just report events as they are reported to us.
Q: Oh, please. Your so-called “report” was rife with glibness. It was glibfull. A veritable cornucopia of glibitude.
A: Well, I disagree, but even if it was, it’s just a bug. It wasn’t going to kill him or anything.
Q: Wasn’t going to kill him? Do you know what kind of bug it was?
A: No. I’m sure it was a gnat or something.
Q: A bite from the Malaysian fang beetle kills its victims instantly.
A: “Malaysian fang beetle.” You just made that up.
Q: Ah, but I made it up to make a point!
A: Look, it was a gnat or something. He’s fine.
Q: You just better hope he is! If Jobs swallowed a Tunisian death wasp, it’ll be on your head! On your head!
A: Um… OK. It’s a deal. If he swallowed a Tunisian death wasp, we’ll take full responsibility.
Q: Uh… well… uh… I made that one up, too.
A: I know.

Q: I got a brand new Core Duo iMac and it’s fast and all, but… I don’t get it.
A: Oh. You mean the way the Core Duo acts like it’s two processors?
Q: No. No. It’s more… subtle than that.
A: Oh. Well, does it have something to do with the registers or the way it accesses memory?
Q: No. No. I don’t even know what that means.
A: I see. OK. So, it’s more that you can’t connect to it on an emotional level.
Q: Right. The PowerPC was your pal. Your bud. These Intel chips… I don’t know. They’re all business.
A: Well, maybe you should invite it to do something. You know, go to a game, shoot some hoops… some kind of bonding activity.
Q: Huh. Really? You think that’d work?
A: No! It’s a processor! You can’t shoot hoops with it!
Q: Oh. So… maybe a movie?
A: …

Q: Hey, look, I know everyone is all “Intel Core Duo! Intel Core Duo!” But I’ve got a question about my pre-Intel Mac.
A: OK. OK. Fair enough. We handle those. Which is it? A G5?
Q: Ooh! La-dee-fricking-da! The G5! No! It’s pre-G5, man.
A: OK. The G4 processor is still a totally…
Q: G4? Who am I? Mr. Money Bags Guy? Mr. Guy With A Lot Of Money? They don’t give those G4s away, you know.
A: Sure. Well, the G3 is getting a little long in the tooth. As you may have heard, the latest release of iLife doesn’t run on a G3…
Q: Oh, suddenly I’m the Prince of fricking England and I’ve got myself a fancy-smanshy G3 processor! I wish!
A: Look. Look. Why don’t we just cut to the chase here.
Q: Um… 68030.
A: 68…
Q: 030.
A: What’s your question?
Q: Should it smoke when I use it to try to add basic fractions?

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. MonkeyShine says:

    First?!?!?! I guess there IS a first time for everything!

  2. Nxxx says:

    On this side of the wet divide, we have a TV show about Help Desks. Yours is funnier, mind you, so is Ebola.

  3. one man and his mac says:

    First top ten ever! It must be my birthday or something.

  4. fatbo says:

    fifth. always frickin’ fifth.

  5. agingeri says:

    Hey– don’t knock the 68030! It is a PERFECTLY adequate processor for any sort of reasonable task you might ask it to per-BLAM!

  6. 2000guitars says:

    The Glibster. The Glibinator. The Glibmeister. Making copies. The Gliberator…

  7. peter says:

    top ten!

    no, i don’t have anything else to add.


  8. Ace Deuce says:


    It shouldn’t smoke. Especially not in an Irish pub.

  9. bigtom says:

    first post and top ten!

    and i can shoot hoops with MY PowerPC, so there!

  10. Will Feldhusen says:

    Ha Ha! I have a 68040! Take that!

  11. Freedom says:

    First post!

  12. Aaron says:

    68030 my butt. Those of us with 65C816s can only wish.

  13. gordo says:

    14th POST!!! WHOOOoOOOoOOOOoOoOooOOOooooOOoo! yeaaaaahhhuh

  14. gordo says:

    who else here loves CAHD episode about the fatass guy who wants to DOWNLOAD music !!! Psssshh what a fatass

  15. Huh? says:

    Q: Um… 68030.

    A: 68…

    Q: 030.

    Now THAT’S comedy!

    Even my pants think so.


  16. Sudo Nym says:


    For years, I DREAMED of having a 65C816. Why, I thought I was wallowing in the purest luxury when I bought a 65C802 and swapped out my 65C02. I hand-coded blockmove instructions into my copy of Apple Writer and was able to zip from the beginning to the end of a huge 40K file in just over a quarter of a second. I know you don’t believe me, but it’s true.

    I loved that machine, by God. I mastered it. I made that chip bend to my indomitable will. I was a guru. I had powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. And I knew — I KNEW! — that once I got my hands on the awesome power of a 65C816, no power in heaven or earth would be able to stop me.

    And then… the accursed Macintosh blighted my life. The stupid thing used a 68000 CPU, completely incompatible with the 65C816. Completely! Unbelievable! Was Apple INSANE?!?

    Sigh… that — that was a long time ago, but it still preys on my mind sometimes.

    I never got my 65C816. I — well, things haven’t worked out all that well for me over the past twenty years or so. It’s nobody’s fault, really…

    Now, can somebody show me which button to push to send this message?

  17. Psyko says:

    Kudos to the CARS staff on the 68030 one. I found it terribly enjoyable.


  18. Dingle Barry says:

    Bwah ha ha… bwah ha

    Oh my, I think I soiled myself!!! 68030….. ha ha

    My Mac IIfx with its 68040 is laughing too!

    oh, nevermind.

  19. iBode says:

    Hmmmm…… yep…. ok…. uh-huh…. yeah. yeah. Alright, good.

  20. Sudo Nym says:

    These anachronisms are driving me crazy! I’ll have you know that the IIfx did NOT use a 68040, but a wicked fast 40MHz 68030!

    By the way, a smoking 68030 CPU means that you’re using an inferior quality of coal in the firebox, possibly lignite. Never use anything less than anthracite, and your machine should provide many years of reliable service.

  21. Brent says:

    Oh dear, is this going to turn into an “In MY day, all we had were…” threads?

    …cause I’m all for that.

    In MY day, when we wanted to play Quake, we had to use an abacus.

  22. UhhhDude says:

    In MY day, when we downloaded porn, we had to go to the store and buy it in magazines!

  23. Anonymous says:

    In our day, when we had to calculate pi, we just stopped at 3.

  24. J. Random Slaker says:

    In my day, we didn’t have pi. Diameters were completely unrelated to the other circle properties. You darn kinds and your euclidian geometery!

  25. gordo says:

    in my day… um… I had a G3 processor iMac,,, you know… the crappy semi-transparent blue one… right

  26. aosvh says:

    wow – 2010 already