Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I read your story yesterday and I’m afraid I don’t share your glib attitude about Steve Jobs’ swallowing a bug.
A: Glib? Look, we just report events as they are reported to us.
Q: Oh, please. Your so-called “report” was rife with glibness. It was glibfull. A veritable cornucopia of glibitude.
A: Well, I disagree, but even if it was, it’s just a bug. It wasn’t going to kill him or anything.
Q: Wasn’t going to kill him? Do you know what kind of bug it was?
A: No. I’m sure it was a gnat or something.
Q: A bite from the Malaysian fang beetle kills its victims instantly.
A: “Malaysian fang beetle.” You just made that up.
Q: Ah, but I made it up to make a point!
A: Look, it was a gnat or something. He’s fine.
Q: You just better hope he is! If Jobs swallowed a Tunisian death wasp, it’ll be on your head! On your head!
A: Um… OK. It’s a deal. If he swallowed a Tunisian death wasp, we’ll take full responsibility.
Q: Uh… well… uh… I made that one up, too.
A: I know.

Q: I got a brand new Core Duo iMac and it’s fast and all, but… I don’t get it.
A: Oh. You mean the way the Core Duo acts like it’s two processors?
Q: No. No. It’s more… subtle than that.
A: Oh. Well, does it have something to do with the registers or the way it accesses memory?
Q: No. No. I don’t even know what that means.
A: I see. OK. So, it’s more that you can’t connect to it on an emotional level.
Q: Right. The PowerPC was your pal. Your bud. These Intel chips… I don’t know. They’re all business.
A: Well, maybe you should invite it to do something. You know, go to a game, shoot some hoops… some kind of bonding activity.
Q: Huh. Really? You think that’d work?
A: No! It’s a processor! You can’t shoot hoops with it!
Q: Oh. So… maybe a movie?
A: …

Q: Hey, look, I know everyone is all “Intel Core Duo! Intel Core Duo!” But I’ve got a question about my pre-Intel Mac.
A: OK. OK. Fair enough. We handle those. Which is it? A G5?
Q: Ooh! La-dee-fricking-da! The G5! No! It’s pre-G5, man.
A: OK. The G4 processor is still a totally…
Q: G4? Who am I? Mr. Money Bags Guy? Mr. Guy With A Lot Of Money? They don’t give those G4s away, you know.
A: Sure. Well, the G3 is getting a little long in the tooth. As you may have heard, the latest release of iLife doesn’t run on a G3…
Q: Oh, suddenly I’m the Prince of fricking England and I’ve got myself a fancy-smanshy G3 processor! I wish!
A: Look. Look. Why don’t we just cut to the chase here.
Q: Um… 68030.
A: 68…
Q: 030.
A: What’s your question?
Q: Should it smoke when I use it to try to add basic fractions?