03 Feb 06Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today… Steve!

Q: I have a G5 iMac and an iSight camera. But that’s not really important now. What I want to know is, other than the reality distortion field, does Steve Jobs have any super-powers?
A: Uh, well, according to some, years of veganism have given him the colon of an Adonis.
Q: Oh. OK. That’s nice and all, but it’s not exactly like shooting lasers out of your eyes.
A: Well, if you’re a Brussels sprout passing through Jobs’ colon, it’s six of one, half a dozen of the other, isn’t it?
Q: What?! How did you know I was a Brussels sprout?!
A: It’s the Flemish accent.
Q: Stront! [click]
A: Heh-heh. Stupid teeny cabbage.

Q: Wait, I happen to know for a fact that Steve Jobs can crush freight trains with his bare hands like they were aluminum cans.
A: I don’t think that’s true. But I have heard that he can pull live humans apart like cardboard tubes.
Q: Well, any stage hand at Macworld will tell you that. But what I’m more interested in is his ability to manipulate the forces of magnetism with his mind.
A: That’s nothing compared to his steel claws, razor-like fangs, hyper-senses and berserker rages. That’s really how he got on the board of Disney.
Q: He killed someone?
A: A couple people. I mean… have you seen Eisner recently?
Q: Hmmm… come to think of it, I haven’t
A: Anyway, rest assured that Steve is everywhere and… anywhere!
Q: Oh, man, Steve is so boss!
A: Yes. Yes, he is.

Q: So, wait, is Steve with me right now?
A: Steve is watching any time you use your Mac. Except when you’re surfing porn.
Q: Oh. Well… that’s…
A: Pretty much all the time?
Q: Uh… do celebrity nipple slips count as porn?
A: Um… yes.
Q: Then yes. Pretty much all the time.
A: Then… you do not walk with Steve.
Q: Oh. OK. Well… I guess that’s the price I pay for celebrity nipple slips.
A: I guess so.
Q: I’m good with that.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Anonymous says:


  2. Second says:


    In an effort to curb malicious comment posting by abusive users, I’ve enabled a feature that requires a weblog commenter to wait a short amount of time before being able to post again. Please try to post your comment again in a short while. Thanks for your patience.

  3. Sudo Nym says:

    I thought the price you paid for celebrity nip slips was $14.95/month. I had no idea that not walking with Steve was part of the bargain.

    My life is just one great big regret.

  4. Steve Jobs says:

    Crazy Apple Rumors Patrons,

    I will always be watching.

    And, just for the record, the X-Men so stole my steel claws power.

    They’re just jealous.

  5. jobo da hobo says:


    Steve Jobs didn’t kill Eisner with any superpowers. That’s just what they want you to think. In reality he just tackled him to the ground and forced him to eat snow until his bladder froze. That’s want I would’ve done any way

  6. Nxxx says:

    John boy,

    We know that you do not live in Europe and that you did not major, is that the right word?, in European geography or politics. Brussels, where all the sprouts come from, is in the French speaking part of Belgium, so it should have read “It’s the French accent.”.

  7. On no, Not me says:

    So, um…I guess pretty much the worst that could happen is to be a celebrity nipple slips porn surfing Brussels sprout.

  8. Flemish Starfish says:

    …or a nipple slip surfing for celebrities with brussel sprouts. That’s un-natural.

    By the way, aren’t trains made out of aluminium anyway? So, technically…

  9. John Moltz says:


    This particular Brussels sprout came to Brussels by way of Flanders.

    Anyway, if it had a French accent, how could you tell it was a Brussels sprout over the phone? I could just as easily be a truffle.

  10. shadowfax says:

    Eleventh, bitches!

  11. Ace Deuce says:

    If vegetables keep you regular, why are vegans so unusual?


  12. scared monster says:

    In fact, as it turns to some debate on Belgium, Brussel is geographically located in the Flemish part of België, but is considered as an independent part of Land, Langage speaking. You were both right, isn’t it, you can speak Flemish AND french in Brussel. Can’t you?

    But absolutely no other langage. If you try some english, Thou Shall Be Coated With Fruit Syrup And Rolled In Waffles.

    Belgium Will Rule The World!!

  13. Huh? says:

    I am SOOOOO not walking with Steve right now…..


    Perhaps too much information.


  14. Nxxx says:

    John boy,

    I thought you were CEO CARS. What was THE senior executive doing on the help desk?

    Further information. Do NOT try to speak French or Dutch in Belgium shops. If you pick the wrong language, they will pretend not to understand you. Speak English, and they will willingly take your money.

  15. Streetrabbit says:

    “…have you seen Eisner recently?”

    The emphasis should’ve been on you not seen.

    I like trout.

  16. Paul says:

    Well, I certainly hope you’re not a truffle, Moltz.

  17. Will Feldhusen says:



  18. 2000guitars says:

    How about Belgian waffles WITH sprouts? That should cure them…

  19. gordo says:



    still havent told my parents about the detention

  20. gordo says:

    AT 6:30 AM ON TUESDAY!!!!!!!’


  21. adam Jackson says:

    how cna i be first to comment when this is just now showing in my RSS feed. damnit!

  22. Gag Halfrunt says:

    And an actual Fleming would have said… “shit” (or rather, “sheet”). Such is the nature of cultural imperialism.

  23. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy says:

    Will you monkeys please stop swearing? It’s so un-hoopy!

  24. That article ROCKED THE FRICKIN’ HIZ-OUSE!!!!


    Well, come on, you’ve got references to Steve, Wolverine and Celebrity Skin’s nip-slip tagline. What’s not to love?!1!

    Horray for CARS, horray for pie!!!

  25. J. Random Slaker says:

    Thou Shall Be Coated With Fruit Syrup And Rolled In Waffles.

    Sign me up!