02 Feb 06Apple Discontinues Sales To Stupid People.


Just one day after learning that it is the target of a lawsuit claiming the iPod might one day possibly under certain circumstances maybe hurt some guy in Louisiana’s ears, Apple has decided to discontinue sales to stupid people.

“We did a cost/benefit analysis,” said Chief Operating Officer Tim Cook, “And it clearly is not cost effective to continue to have stupid people as our customers.”

According to a detailed analysis by Apple’s finance group, the company loses more money from having to create overly detailed documentation, defend itself against inane lawsuits and field repeated support calls asking “Is there little men in mah iMac what make it run?!” than it makes in sales to these customers.

Nitwits, morons, dunderheads, idiots and boneheads will find themselves turned away from their local Apple Store starting March 1st.

Cook said “We needed to get some procedures in place so that our sales associates could tell the difference between a chowderhead, for example, and a customer that meets our new minimum intelligence quotient for purchasing an Apple product.”

The latest lawsuit spurred the company to take action after it realized that if it could face a lawsuit over something clearly listed as a warning in the product documentation from an individual who has not been damaged, it had simply lost control of the situation.

“We just didn’t know what else to do,” Cook said.

“We considered various other scenarios, from engraving the warning on the front of the iPod, printing it on the front of the box, using giant laser cannons to etch it on the face of the moon, showing up at customers houses periodically and screaming it into their faces, and simply discontinuing sales in Louisiana where I know folk are a little ‘diffurnt’.

“But ultimately we decided the determining factor was the relative intelligence of the purchaser, not the backward brand of hick banjo music they listen to.”

Some of the questions included in Apple’s training for sales associates include:

  • Is the purchaser repeatedly jabbing pointy objects such as knitting needles into his or her eyes?
  • Is the purchaser drooling openly or slurping noisily from a juice box?
  • Is the purchaser wearing any combination of the following items: rainbow suspenders, flood pants, a pork pie hat, a button that says “Kiss me, I’m [anything]!”, a flounder or other fish, lederhosen (pending the opening of the Apple Store Stüttgart).

Cook said that the change is not expected to effect Apple’s revenue figures substantially as most stupid people also tend to be tasteless as well, and are therefore more likely to already be Windows users.

[UPDATE: This article originally indicated that the initiator of the “This iPod Goes To 11” lawsuit was from Tennessee. He is, in fact, from Louisiana. It’s just that we like Louisiana so much more than Tennessee that we read “Tennessee” when it did, in fact, say “Louisiana.”

We regret the error.

Also, Stuttgart is apparently spelled without an umlaut. However, we think umlauts are wicked boss, so we left it in. It may not be spelled that way, but that doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t be cooler if it were spelled that way.

THIS ADMISSION OF ERROR DOES NOT IMPLY ANY ERROR ON THE PART OF CRAZY APPLE RUMORS SITE OR ITS PARENT COMPANY, GIANT SQUID PRODUCTIONS.]

No Responses to “Apple Discontinues Sales To Stupid People.”

  1. OverclockedLemon says:

    First post!

    Crispy fries!

  2. MonkeyShine says:

    Second post.

    And not a chowderhead.

  3. Tennessee Tuxedo says:

    Fir…Third!

    Missed it by THAT much!

  4. Nxxx says:

    Does this mean I’ve got to send my Mac back?

    Problem.

    How do you do that?

  5. Caveman says:

    The text on this page is too small and could be ruining my eyesight, although I’m not sure yet. I’m suing Moltz!!!

  6. Anonymous says:

    Yeah, I liked that article. Made me smile.

    Damnit, time to go to work.

  7. Dagnabbit, now all two of us that post comments to CARS can’t upgrade. I’m suing.

  8. GingerSex says:

    Pardon? I didn’t quiet (sic) hear what you said. Could you repeat it?

  9. Dunces and Imbeciles Support Group says:

    “Nitwits, morons, dunderheads, idiots and boneheads…”

    What about dunces and imbeciles? We’re Loud, We’re Proud, and We’re In Your Face.

  10. 2000guitars says:

    AAAAAAAAAnnnnnnnnnnd the coveted 11th, natch…

  11. Dingle Barry says:

    Make that a dozen for me!!!!

    (wtf is a dunderhead anyway?)

  12. GingerSex says:

    You, yes you! You’re Proud and In My Face but speak up! I still can’t hear you! What are you? A dunce or an imbecile?

  13. Streetrabbit says:

    Sorry. Can’t comment. Got to get to Apple Store before March 1.

    Nice umlaut by the way.

  14. bibulb says:

    Yeah, but the porkpie hat may merely indicate that the wearer is in a ska band rather than being dumber than a sack of REALLY STUPID hammers.

  15. melvin says:

    But… but the linked BBC article says the idiot is from Louisiana, not Tene… er… Tennese… er… well maybe the BBC couldn’t spell Tennessee so they changed it to Louisiana. Yeah, that must be it, as we all know Moltz can’t possibly be a mixed-up chowderhead!

  16. Hobbs says:

    Louisiana or Tennessee or Boston: Same difference.

  17. Kiss me, I'm ska says:

    Ska band members needn’t worry as long as you don’t wear laderhosen or a fish, etc.

  18. Simon "Chucklehead" Simpleton says:

    I may be two bricks shy of two bricks, but even I know that it should be “affect” in place of “effect.”

  19. Bill B says:

    Oooo, your in rare form here. Thanks for the laughs!

  20. Anonymous says:

    Apple is just setting up a situation akin to minors hanging outside convenience stores and getting people of age to buy alcoholic beverages for them.

    We’ll have stupid people getting eggheads to buy their Macs for them. But Apple will be free of liability.

    As Jeff Goldblum said in “Jurassic Park,” nature finds a way.

  21. Klaus says:

    Oi! Vat about ze German ska bands, jah? Ve vear der pork pie hat und der lederhosen. Don’t make us start rioting, again.

  22. Anonymous says:

    Hey, Al Gore is from Tennessee, and he’s on Apple’s board. Tim Cook is gonna be in trouble tomorrow.

  23. CTHULHU says:

    YOU PUNY MORTALS START ADVERTISING ON EARTH’S MOON AND I’LL DESTROY IT! CONSIDER YOURSELVES WARNED!!

    UNSPEAKABLE HORROR IS ALL WELL AND GOOD, BUT THERE ARE THINGS THAT NOT EVEN I WILL TOLERATE!!!

  24. Huh? says:

    My pants enjoyed everybody’s comments today.

    On behalf of my pants, thank you.

    moo

  25. Anonymous says:

    Nice umlaut? Stüttgart is in fact spelled ‘Stuttgart’, no umlaut, and it’s not even close to Bavaria where the locals wear Lederhosen (occasionally).

  26. Dunces and Imbeciles Support Group, you have a home with us. We’re Microsoft, call us friend.

    That article was really funny, but the ending hurt my billionaire feelings.

  27. Jon says:

    Much as I know this is a rumours site, I think this is an awesome idea.

    The same idea could be said for a lot of people who sign up for Internet Access from an ISP…I’m sure a lot of the tech support reps would like to say “Sir, you have to pack up your computer and return it to the person who sold it to you…You’re too stupid to own one.”

    Thankfully that’d be a Windows PC…

  28. Smor says:

    Did anyone else notice that 1) the guy is from Louisiana, 2) his aturney is from Washington (State), and 3) they filed the lawsuit in California… Does this mean you can’t find a lawer in California that dumb? Or simply all the dumb ones still can’t understand what the hell a guy from Louisiana is talking about??

    Too bad that guy wasn’t from Misouri, those hicks can’t even say their own state’s name right, “Misoura”? Really, who’d go to a state named Misoura.

  29. Will Feldhusen says:

    Lot’s o’ posts today!

  30. iBode says:

    I sorry, but if you’re in a ska band, you’re not even allowed to think about going near an Apple Store.

  31. iBode says:

    Judging by my grammar, I’m not either.

  32. gordo says:

    32nd!!! yeah

    bitches

    got a detention today

  33. Burgher says:

    I can hardly wait until Help Desk when we can comment on the Steelers making Mocha Latte out of Seattle.

  34. semmel says:

    Hey, I live in Stuttgart.

  35. brösel says:

    It’s Stüttgart, not Stuttgart, stupid! (You’l never get a Mac again…)

  36. limeybloke says:

    I wonder if England could get a local proviso that anybody turning up in sportswear without a) having just come from a game in which they’ve played or b) being able to pronounce words like “think” properly would be banned, That’d deal with the Chavs . . .

    P.S all you American posters don’t worry what a chav is. Think ‘Redneck’ crossed with ‘Slimeball’ and ‘Gangbanger’.

  37. I’m concerned that the silence on this page may be greatly ruining my hearing, being I am wearing headphones, and I know this page’s silence is capable of going up to 115 decibels. So I am demanding a FULL REFUND, and demand that you PULL this page off the shelf……or uh…site, yeah site, and reduce the silence sound to 100 decibels.

    Or otherwise..

    The TEDDYBEAR GETS IT!

    *holds water gun full of ketchup up to the bears ear*

    Thank you kindly.

    ..

    …….

    OH I CANT DO IT, YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST I JUST WUV CARS SO MUCH! Nevermind, I’ll go deaf for you ^_^

    And I wasted all that ketchup………

  38. Oh and Kiss Me, I’m 1/2 Italian 1/2 Syrian.

  39. WHAT’D YEW SAY? AH CAIN’T HEAR A DANG THAING WITH THESE AH-PODS IN MAH EARS! YER GONNA HAFTA TYPE LOUDER!

  40. DrG says:

    Surely if you can find the power key on a mini or iMac then your IQ is double figures – is that enough? *hoping*

    (so…to get my CD out I put it in the bin?….)

  41. gfx says:

    wohoo!! number… uhm, 213!!