Just one day after learning that it is the target of a lawsuit claiming the iPod might one day possibly under certain circumstances maybe hurt some guy in Louisiana’s ears, Apple has decided to discontinue sales to stupid people.
“We did a cost/benefit analysis,” said Chief Operating Officer Tim Cook, “And it clearly is not cost effective to continue to have stupid people as our customers.”
According to a detailed analysis by Apple’s finance group, the company loses more money from having to create overly detailed documentation, defend itself against inane lawsuits and field repeated support calls asking “Is there little men in mah iMac what make it run?!” than it makes in sales to these customers.
Nitwits, morons, dunderheads, idiots and boneheads will find themselves turned away from their local Apple Store starting March 1st.
Cook said “We needed to get some procedures in place so that our sales associates could tell the difference between a chowderhead, for example, and a customer that meets our new minimum intelligence quotient for purchasing an Apple product.”
The latest lawsuit spurred the company to take action after it realized that if it could face a lawsuit over something clearly listed as a warning in the product documentation from an individual who has not been damaged, it had simply lost control of the situation.
“We just didn’t know what else to do,” Cook said.
“We considered various other scenarios, from engraving the warning on the front of the iPod, printing it on the front of the box, using giant laser cannons to etch it on the face of the moon, showing up at customers houses periodically and screaming it into their faces, and simply discontinuing sales in Louisiana where I know folk are a little ‘diffurnt’.
“But ultimately we decided the determining factor was the relative intelligence of the purchaser, not the backward brand of hick banjo music they listen to.”
Some of the questions included in Apple’s training for sales associates include:
- Is the purchaser repeatedly jabbing pointy objects such as knitting needles into his or her eyes?
- Is the purchaser drooling openly or slurping noisily from a juice box?
- Is the purchaser wearing any combination of the following items: rainbow suspenders, flood pants, a pork pie hat, a button that says “Kiss me, I’m [anything]!”, a flounder or other fish, lederhosen (pending the opening of the Apple Store Stüttgart).
Cook said that the change is not expected to effect Apple’s revenue figures substantially as most stupid people also tend to be tasteless as well, and are therefore more likely to already be Windows users.
[UPDATE: This article originally indicated that the initiator of the “This iPod Goes To 11” lawsuit was from Tennessee. He is, in fact, from Louisiana. It’s just that we like Louisiana so much more than Tennessee that we read “Tennessee” when it did, in fact, say “Louisiana.”
We regret the error.
Also, Stuttgart is apparently spelled without an umlaut. However, we think umlauts are wicked boss, so we left it in. It may not be spelled that way, but that doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t be cooler if it were spelled that way.
THIS ADMISSION OF ERROR DOES NOT IMPLY ANY ERROR ON THE PART OF CRAZY APPLE RUMORS SITE OR ITS PARENT COMPANY, GIANT SQUID PRODUCTIONS.]