24 Feb 06Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I just got back from the Apple Store where I picked up a brand new MacBook Pro. I was really jazzed because I had heard that they were shipping with faster processors than planned. But when I got it home, I was really disappointed. Mine, at least, doesn’t have a faster processor.
A: No?
Q: No. As a matter of fact, mine didn’t come with a processor at all.
A: Really? Well… what’s where the processor should be?
Q: Wait. Let me look. Um… looks like ham.
A: Ham?
Q: Ham. I mean… good ham… Black Forest… smoked… but… still… ham.
A: Does it… run?
Q: Um… no.
A: Oh. You should probably take it back, then.
Q: Aw, shoot. Really?
A: Well, yeah. Why not?
Q: It’s just… it’s just that… it came with all this really good rye bread…

Q: Oh, man!
A: What? What?
Q: Oh, man, that is bullshit!
A: What is? What is it?
Q: I just heard that I bought the 999,999,999th song on the iTunes Music Store! And do you know what I got? Do you know what I got?!
A: Um… a grim sense of irony?
Q: Wha…? No! No! I got nothing! Nothing!
A: Well, how do you know it was you? I mean, how could you possibly know that?
Q: They sent me an email!
A: Oh. Oh. That’s just rude.
Q: Yeah! And it’s… got all these little… emoticons…
A: Oooh.
Q: Little… tongue sticking out…
A: You know… does Apple ever… I dunno… strike you as a little strange?
Q: Hmm…

Q: Hey, where can I get me one of those hamMacs? I’m starving.
A: Well, I think that one was probably a fluke. But I know where you can get an iMac with advanced Jell-O technology.
Q: Pff. Jell-O?! That’s not going to fill me up.
A: OK. OK. Well… how about pudding?
Q: Pudding?! Wow! There’s a pudding-based Mac?
A: No. I just have some pudding singles.
Q: Oh. Uh… sure.

45 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. t1m m@ says:


  2. John Doe says:


  3. Macbook Pro says:


  4. Mr. T says:

    homedog fo sho

  5. Mr. T says:

    impressed you finally let me through

  6. tim m@ says:

    i think you should put up some rules

    it would be comical and I might follow some wink*

    483756th w00t

  7. James Stanford says:

    happy birthday Steve

  8. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Ate-th which is appropriate for this post. Ham, huh? Ham and Jell-o or pudding. Yea, I’m getting hungry.

  9. James Stanford says:

    you are 51, you beat cancer…next stop Microsoft

  10. John Moltz says:

    Actually we did that a while back. I don’t have a problem with comment stacking per se, but I have a problem with comment stacking every night.

    Let’s give some other folks a chance.

  11. Shana says:

    ∞th! Take that!

  12. Nxxx says:

    Can you give advice on the latest environmental Apple processor? I am referring to the iClockwork.

  13. Huh? says:

    My pants are SO full of irony.
    What I want to know, is where I can get some of those emoticons…


  14. Pudden Tame says:

    Wow! An email from Apple! And it wasn’t even a “cease and desist.” …and irony! Wow, Moltz doesn’t even have that…, the non “cease and desist” email from Apple, I mean. I wonder what 1 billion and 1 got?

  15. Ace Deuce says:

    Fruitcake is much denser than pudding and would go farther in sustaining the increase in computing power in accordance with Moore’s Law.

    Meatloaf would be good too.

  16. agingeri says:

    I upgraded my G5 from a 1.8 GHz processor to a wad of meatloaf. I think it’s a lot faster, but I can’t tell because for some reason it only runs OS 7.6.

  17. scared monster says:

    Rye bread?
    Did you say rye bread?

    ‘Olly sheet, why do I haf’ this old G5?

  18. Colonel Panic says:

    At least we got a lot of good Goooooogle ham links this time… yum

  19. Limeybloke, in an English accent says:

    Advanced Jell-O Mac for President!

    Of the ham-curers union that is.

    Mmmmmmmm, gammon ham ‘n’ chips (Fries)


  20. Google says:

    We can ham it up, but we’re still working on our sense of irony.

  21. g0rdo says:

    22th best place ever


  22. anonymous says:

    I want a hamMac. Even one of those Jell-o books would be fine

    TOP 25!!

  23. Ahnyer Keester says:

    So last night I was ate-th, I doublechecked after I postedated it. No I’m ninth. That doesn’t make snese. I mean what does ninth have to do with ham? Oh well, I’m no longer hungry anyway. Happy eighth Mr. Sanford.

    So do we buy a big ole ham birthday cake for Steve? Even though he’s vegan?

  24. comacnut says:

    Sorry I’m late. Is there any Pudding left? If not I’d take some Jello.

  25. PCpastrami is *much* more popular than any hamMac. PCpastrami is used on many desktops and servers available from Deli Computers, and we’re even working on a handheld model with them! We call it a Palmtop Sandwich. Pretty exciting futuristical stuff for the foodSystems Enterprise customer. And I’d like to point out that I do NOT run like a girl. 😛

  26. iBode says:

    I never knew that Macs were Anti-Semitic.

  27. jinzo012 says:

    All the Google Ads have to do with Ham! ROFLMFAO!!

  28. Huh? says:

    Hmmm… Still ham ads…

    Could somebody cue the choir?


  29. Dingle Barry says:

    QUOTE: “PCpastrami is *much* more popular than any hamMac. PCpastrami is used on many desktops and servers available from Deli Computers, and we’re even working on a handheld model with them! We call it a Palmtop Sandwich. Pretty exciting futuristical stuff for the foodSystems Enterprise customer. And I’d like to point out that I do NOT run like a girl. ”

    Very creative, seriously.

    The comments have been less than funny lately. This one shows creative talent!!

  30. Welshbloke's Male Voice Choir says:


  31. John Moltz says:

    Crazy Apple Rumors Site and Google ask the musical question: “Won’t you enjoy some ham?”

    How the hell they pick “ham” over all the other references to Macs…

  32. jinzo012 says:

    because Ham tastes good…smoked at least….Brown Sugar is the shits…..and so is getting in and out of a limo.

  33. THX, Dingle Berry! And welcome back jinzo. I’d like to say that I’ve never smoked a ham, but I’ve smoked a couple of crawdads with Granny and we were FLYING!!!

    [Actually I’m just trying out Camino today, damn this is a slick browser! If you like Safari, try Camino, it renders pages much faster, and has a couple other cool features. I’m going to try out Opera too, love it on my phone! I just tried out Shiira, but it was crashing a bit on me when loading tons of gifs (Like these ===> http://www.kateshayground.com/ yowza!), although the web-exposé feature and side-bar were very nice.]

  34. Welshbloke's Male Voice Choir says:

    Boobs Boobx Boobx Boobs Boobs Boobs!
    Jubblies! Knockers! Mammaries!
    Oh My God Just Look at These!

  35. My sense of irony shrugs
    for the 999,999,999th time in
    my frustration at the ham.
    Such a lovely smoked ham
    in my Mac
    grilled to perfection.

    The rye bread entices me
    with its dual core
    of Black Forest ham and
    undetermined cheese
    and a pudding single on the side
    of my better judgement.
    I stifle the urge to
    stack my comments
    like a giant deli sandwich
    lest my Ma
    meets up with Tim
    and incurs the Wrath of the Moltz.
    ‘Tis better to wax poetic
    for one long post
    than to
    shout it out
    one line/one post
    at a time

    Also! Del gets a pony.

  36. Huh? says:

    Damn. That just brings a tear to my eye…


    Why don’t we all get ponies?


  37. Yes, that was as haunting and striking as the Black Japan theme for Firefox.

    I’m a multibillionaire!!! Ponies for everyone!!!

  38. Del says:

    YAY! I gets a pony!

    *Does the I got a pony dance*

    Now I just need some of that wireless pudding.

  39. g says:

    Wait, that guy didn’t get anything at all? I mean, shouldn’t he have gotten the song he bought or something?

  40. I always enjoyed einen Hammen Zandwitsch before flying a combat mission. One day I ran out of mustard, and the rest (like me), is history.



  41. Limetbloke's Great-Grandad Sir Richard Fotherington Smythe says:

    By Gad! It’s that bounder von Richtofen back from the beyond!
    I Must paranormally influence my great grandson to denounce the aircraft sabotaging Cad on his newfangled e-web thingy.
    I knew I should have been suspicious of that new groundman David Smith-von-Hamstein.
    They fished a pot of saurkraut mustard out of the gimballs of the crashed kite you know.
    Ooh , errr sorry where was I, why am I at the keyboard again.
    I’ve already read this ham- related helpdesk.
    Oh well (goes to bed).

  42. iBode says:

    Um… Bill? Do you think I could have some land to go with my pony?
    She doesn’t fit in my room very well.

  43. Sure thing, how about Rhode Island? It’s a steal of a price, but the state is too small for my commerative stamp collection. If you need the state relocated, that might take another week.

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