Rumor Sites Fail To Step Up.

It is with great sadness that I must take to the keyboard to discuss the current state of the Mac rumor sites.

Some times it as if only this rumor site – the one you’re reading right now – sees what is going on.

Last week, Apple confirmed that it would announce some “fun new products” tomorrow and the rumor community has responded with a dial tone – as if it were asleep at the switch.

So far the most “exciting” rumor is that Apple will announce an iPod boom box. Apple Insider even speculated that the company would release an AIDS awareness iPod.

An AIDS awareness iPod.

Because we all know how much fun AIDS is.

Look, this is pathetic. I’ve never been more ashamed to be part of the Mac rumor community than I am right now. And believe me, over the years there have been more than one opportunity to be really embarrassed.

Like that time Nick de Plume predicted Apple would release iPod socks and Apple did, in fact, release iPod socks. I mean, holy crap, that’s just embarrassing for both Nick and Apple because… you know… iPod socks, fer crissake.

Clearly Apple has challenged us yet again and CARS will not only meet that challenge, but we will beat the living shit out of it with a baseball bat and dump its lifeless corpse in an unmarked grave in the desert for the scorpions to lay their eggs in.

That’s just how we roll.

Scorpions. We roll with scorpions.

Small “s.” Not the… the band…

Anyway, without further ado, let us bring you our prediction for tomorrow’s “fun” announcement.

Ah, there’s the key. “Fun.” What’s “fun”? Yes, many of our many readers will point out that sex is fun (particularly in groups… and with fruits and vegetables), but… sexbots? Apple failed to meet our sexbot challenge 4 years ago and there’s no reason to think that they’re any more up to the task now.

So what else is fun?

Well… monkeys are fun. Monkeys in little hats.

Yes. That’s it. Monkeys in little hats.

Now, we did not come to this decision lightly. There was some concern amongst the CARS staff that monkeys in little hats – while fun! – may be played out. Seriously, you can’t shake a stick without hitting a monkey in a little hat.

But let’s look at the lesson of the iPod. It wasn’t the first MP3 player to the market, but it was the first to take the market to its full potential.

We believe Apple could do the same with monkeys in little hats.

While the concept may seem a little tired now, the MP3 player market – populated by low-capacity flash-based products that broke easily and had difficult-to-use interfaces and smelled badly – seemed tired in the fall of 2001.

Apple could own the market for funny monkeys in little hats. Monkeys in little hats with the legendary Apple ease of use and reputation for quality. People would love that.

So, what’s it going to be, Apple? Are you up to it?

Are you up to…



…little hats?

I hope so, because seeing those little monkeys running around in little hats with Apple logos on them…!!!