Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: Hey, I was reading your site yesterday and did I read that right? Is Schiller really going to Lenovo? I mean… is he moving to China?
A: What? We wrote what? When?
Q: Um, yesterday. You wrote that Schiller was getting sold to Lenovo.
A: I’m afraid I don’t know anything about this “yesterday” you speak of. I can only assume that it’s part of some grand scheme to make us look bad within the highly respected Apple rumor community.
Q: … The whatnow?
A: The highly… Look it doesn’t matter. What matters is you’re a lying scumbag and your words are meaningless to me.
Q: Uhhh… OK! Well. I’m… glad we had this chat.
A: Whatever. Lying scum.
Q: I’m a long-time Mac user and I’m wondering if you can confirm something that I’m concerned about.
A: Well, we’ll give it a shot.
Q: My current machine is a 1.33 MHz PowerBook and I’m expecting to upgrade to a MacBook Pro. What I’m concerned about is my immortal soul.
Q: Immortal soul. I mean… I’ve been using a PowerPC for my entire computing lifetime. It was always good an pure. I even have a Power Computing Sluggo poster. But… these Intel-based things… Does using an Intel chip mean that Satan has full rights to my soul? I don’t have time to read the whole Apple EULA…
A: No, no, no. This is a popular misconception among Mac users. Using an Intel chip doesn’t mean Satan owns your soul.
Q: Oh. Phew!
A: No. I mean… he can play with it a bit.
A: Well, you know. Sort of bat it around. Flick at it. That kind of thing.
Q: Oh. I see.
A: Yeah, but unless you’re using Windows, no, he doesn’t own it.
Q: Uh… thanks. I think.
Q: Look, I don’t understand why you have a help desk on Friday night. It makes no sense. I mean, Battlestar Galactica is starting right fracking now. And it’s the fracking first part of the fracking season finale! Do you fracking understand me?!
A: Well, you’re obviously upset because you’re swearing like a Colonial Warrior. And, not coincidentally, a tremendous geek.
Q: Well I have a problem I need help with and I’m missing Battlestar Galactica!
A: Wh-why? I’m watching it.
Q: You’re… you’re what?!
A: Yeah. It’s pretty tense right now. Sharon’s going to help them plot a rescue mission to Caprica and Roslyn’s about to debate Baltar.
Q: No! No! Don’t tell me!
A: Yeah. And there’s something going on with the chief. He’s got a gun and… OH, MY GOD!!!
Q: No! No! OH, MY GOD! I GOTTA GO!
MACGRUDER: You just did that to get out of answering the last question.
A: Shhhh. Season finale.