Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: Hey, I was reading your site yesterday and did I read that right? Is Schiller really going to Lenovo? I mean… is he moving to China?
A: What? We wrote what? When?
Q: Um, yesterday. You wrote that Schiller was getting sold to Lenovo.
A: I’m afraid I don’t know anything about this “yesterday” you speak of. I can only assume that it’s part of some grand scheme to make us look bad within the highly respected Apple rumor community.
Q: … The whatnow?
A: The highly… Look it doesn’t matter. What matters is you’re a lying scumbag and your words are meaningless to me.
Q: Uhhh… OK! Well. I’m… glad we had this chat.
A: Whatever. Lying scum.

Q: I’m a long-time Mac user and I’m wondering if you can confirm something that I’m concerned about.
A: Well, we’ll give it a shot.
Q: My current machine is a 1.33 MHz PowerBook and I’m expecting to upgrade to a MacBook Pro. What I’m concerned about is my immortal soul.
A: Your…
Q: Immortal soul. I mean… I’ve been using a PowerPC for my entire computing lifetime. It was always good an pure. I even have a Power Computing Sluggo poster. But… these Intel-based things… Does using an Intel chip mean that Satan has full rights to my soul? I don’t have time to read the whole Apple EULA…
A: No, no, no. This is a popular misconception among Mac users. Using an Intel chip doesn’t mean Satan owns your soul.
Q: Oh. Phew!
A: No. I mean… he can play with it a bit.
Q: What?
A: Well, you know. Sort of bat it around. Flick at it. That kind of thing.
Q: Oh. I see.
A: Yeah, but unless you’re using Windows, no, he doesn’t own it.
Q: Uh… thanks. I think.

Q: Look, I don’t understand why you have a help desk on Friday night. It makes no sense. I mean, Battlestar Galactica is starting right fracking now. And it’s the fracking first part of the fracking season finale! Do you fracking understand me?!
A: Well, you’re obviously upset because you’re swearing like a Colonial Warrior. And, not coincidentally, a tremendous geek.
Q: Well I have a problem I need help with and I’m missing Battlestar Galactica!
A: Wh-why? I’m watching it.
Q: You’re… you’re what?!
A: Yeah. It’s pretty tense right now. Sharon’s going to help them plot a rescue mission to Caprica and Roslyn’s about to debate Baltar.
Q: No! No! Don’t tell me!
A: Yeah. And there’s something going on with the chief. He’s got a gun and… OH, MY GOD!!!
A: …
MACGRUDER: You just did that to get out of answering the last question.
A: Shhhh. Season finale.

30 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Mr Moltz,
    Here is a fine example of the European Time Problem. It is Saturday over here and I experienced the first twenty-three problems on your Help Desk yesterday. As a working Mac is essential to my lifestyle as a ‘Gentleman of the Road’ I destroyed the machine and bought a new one. When my new Mac gives trouble next Friday (your Thursday) I shall be forced to bin it.

  2. Well, I figuered out the whole space time continum thing. Not that hard once you get the whole picture.
    Well, anyway… I’ve been to next week and back already and I know what the next poster will say.

    Oh, my pants know who will post eleventh as well…


  3. I never thought I’d meet the guy still using a computer slower than mine.


    did Apple even ever make 1.33 MHz PowerBooks?

  4. I have the space time continent…ah, whatever. I have it figured out though. The last poster will say “I knew they were going to say that.”

  5. He did it again, the MAGNIFICENT BASTARD! (Nxxxxx)

    As an expansion of the question above here is a statement from an Intel Spokesdemon.

    “Intel would like this opportunity to clarify matters vis-a-vis satanic soul posession rights. Satan does not wholly own your soul unless you have been served the ‘soul ownership contract’ and keep it near to your person, as it is this occult conduit that binds you to THE DARK LORD and also Bill’s assistant Satan.
    The contract is written in the mixed blood of a thousand IT department Chiefs in miniature on the back of all Intel stickers and badge logos. Since Apple users are protected from this by the power of STEVE THE SAVIOUR and JohnIve the white we are only able to offer a limited demonic posesssion service at this time.”

  6. I knew I was going to write this even before I started.

    No, my name is not Claire Voyant.

  7. Double questions confuse me, the personalities are becoming one!

    Q: Immortal soul. I mean…
    Q: No, no, no. ..
    A: Oh. Phew!
    Q: No. I mean… he can play with it a bit.
    Q: What?







  9. As we chit-chat about time warps, I write from my old Intel iBook (you know, the one released in [CENSORED BY APPLE LAWYERS], and I can tell you it isn’t the last epi[CENSORED BY TV GUIDE] and that [CENSORED BY JOHNNY MOLTZ]

  10. This was actually the first post but my 1.33 MHz Powerbook is so stinking slow that I’m now hoping to make 11th. No? Ah well.

  11. Mr. T Jokes and Facts

    Mr. T Jokes and Facts

    Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

    Mr. T doesn’t pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.

    Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

    When he found out he would lose the rematch while making Rocky III, Mr. T administered to Sylvester Stallone an angy look. Seeing Mr. T’s anger broke every bone in Sly’s face, left him mildly retarded and unable to remember the incident. To this day, Sly has no idea why he shits his pants at the mere sight of a black man with a mohawk.

    Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80’s.

    23. That’s the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

    Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

    Mr. T pities fools because even fools deserves their daily dose of vitamin T.

    Mr. T once stated that he “doesn’t wail on sissy boys.” This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that Mr. T was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

    Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods.

    On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn’t have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn’t recognize him out of fear.

    Mr. T and Chuck Norris once encountered each other on a lonesome British path. Before the inevitable battle could begin, the earth shit itself and created Scotland.

    There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.

    A break in the space-time continuum occurred on July 9th, 1986. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a guy into Mr. T while he was pitying some fool. Mr. T and Chuck Norris had words (better known as jibba jabba). Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Mr. T at the exact moment Mr. T punched him in the chest. The result was an alternate universe where Mr. T roundhouse kicks people and Chuck Norris pities fools.

    Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That’s why he can only kick through doors.

    Mr. T coined the phrase, “I see dead people,” after the waiting staff at Denny’s forgot his birthday.

    Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.

    Mr. T’s edition of the VH1 show ‘Where Are They Now’ was the shortest in the show’s history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words “Right Behind You” written on it.

    Mr. T pities the fool who doesn’t pity the fool, thus creating a neverending loop of pity and pain.

    Mr. T’s pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.

    Despite popular belief, Mr. T in fact ended the civil rights movement by getting on a bus….all caucasian people moved to the back.

    Mr. T once shook hands with Chuck Norris, or so it appeared, in actuality, their combined power caused an earthquake, which gave their hands a look of shaking to any onlookers, who were probably too scared to accurately testify anyway.

    Mr. T does not have to kick the crap out of you, crap runs out of your ass in fright when you come into contact with Mr. T.

    Mr. T is not black. It’s just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

    Mr. T once bit off more than he could chew. He ate it anyway.

    Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr. T.

    Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

    Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.

    Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.

    The last time Mr. T went to McDonald’s, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.

  12. Mr. Moltz is in the March issue of Macworld. Is that a guest apperance or an on going contribution?

  13. I actually have a copy of the original Battlestar: Galactica novelization at home. I can’t check it right now, but I’m almost positive the word is spelled “frack.”

  14. Anonymous,

    That depends. Are you talking about the centerfold shot or the bit on the back page?

    Ooh, I think I just made myself sick.

  15. One of the big mysteries is why Moltz’s schtick on
    the back page of Macworld is usually tepidly lame,
    while his CARS material is usually funny,
    hilarious or hysterically lame. Is it an
    editorial problem?

  16. John,
    Here I was googling “tacoma” and “chuck norris” and your subversive site showed up. I don’t know why. I gave up. We’re doing a story on the phenom that is the Chuckster. ANYWAY! You, me, Hank and the wife need to din-din. We could invite Kits as well seeing how Karen sits next to her now.

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