06 Mar 06Apple Asking Intel Users To Switch Back.

After published reports of problems with Intel-based Macs, Apple was forced to concede today that the entire switch has been an abject failure.

“Clearly because of these issues, the switch to Intel has been an unmitigated disaster,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs.

“We advise customers who have purchase an Intel-based Mac to stampede in an unorderly fashion to the nearest Apple Store – waving their hands over their heads and screaming at the top of their lungs – to get a PowerPC-based Mac.

“If you must step on the backs of elderly people who have fallen down in front of you,” Jobs continued, “please do not hesitate to do so. The stability of your computing experience should not be held hostage by the old or infirm.”

There has been some speculation that Apple would further ask users to switch back to OS 9 in order to insure that they do not suffer from either the recently released Oompa-Loompa Trojan or the Safari shell script execution exploit.

While not necessarily representative of the views of Apple Computer as a company, some advocated going even further.

“Your best bet is an SE/30 running System 6.0.8,” said Peter Mehring, head of Apple hardware engineering. “That’s a rock-solid computing environment. The SE/30… now that was a machine. That’s what I use.

“People these days go on and on about ‘protected memory’ and ‘multitasking’ and… um… ‘hot swappable drive bays’… which sounds vaguely dirty to me. ‘Hot swappable.’ Disgusting.

“Really, we should have stopped making computers in 1989. That’s why I, personally, haven’t done a serious day’s work since then.”

Apple is feverishly trying to find a vendor to crank out PowerPC chips and reportedly has settled on a couple of guys living in rural Michigan who own a metal press.

38 Responses to “Apple Asking Intel Users To Switch Back.”

  1. Mike says:

    Wow…I really was first…not that I care all that much…People should really comment on the article rather than ranking their various comments. That being said…Screw the SE/30…let’s all hook up with “Lisa.” Now she was a hot sexbot machine. I could hot swap with Lisa any day.

  2. Old-skool says:

    Told ya the Plus was the new iMac

  3. Typo says:

    Oh how I’ve longed for the glory days of green-on-black screens and 5 1/4″ floppies. Oregon Trail: Here I come!

  4. Ergo says:

    I draw the line at the abacus. That’s going too far back! Then again, ….shiny beads on taut string… screw it! That’s the machine four me!
    Oh, and fourth, for what its worth.

  5. Ace Deuce says:

    I’ve gone back to counting on my fingers.

    So far I’m up to six.

  6. Ace Deuce says:

    Seven…

  7. iBode says:

    Lemmings on 9.0.1!

    Splat!
    Splat!
    Splat!
    Splat!

  8. stridey says:

    Number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9

  9. similar says:

    10?

    screw the SE/30 tho, that dude is sick thinking im gonna use that.

  10. GordonC says:

    Mac OS ELEVEN!!!!!!!!!!!

  11. One man and his mac says:

    Eleventh! haha. Now, what to say?
    Hmm, I disagree, I always rather enjoyed OS 8.6. But there you go.

  12. Senatork says:

    HAHAHAHAHA, that was hi-lar-ious!

  13. Ace says:

    fuck bitches

  14. Nxxx says:

    I told them that going away from three and a half inch floppies was wrong. BTW is your three and a half inch floppy wrong?

    If so Space (for spammers

    )

  15. quatrz says:

    Performa is queen for me.

  16. Colonel Panic says:

    What’s wrong with green text on a black screen? It was good enough for MY father.

    Oh, yeah: NO VIRUSES have ever or will ever exist for an Apple-1 !

  17. A sonorous, but far away voice with an indecipherable accent says:

    Scratches in the dirt—now that was a GUI I could understand.

  18. Using undocumented exploits, I could hack into those scratches in 30 minutes!

    Of course, you’d have to let me use your dirt. And your sticks.

  19. Rich says:

    Chalk and slate.

    That’s all I’m sayin’…

  20. Abe Lincolnlogski says:

    I’m way into Amish Computers!

  21. burleylizhurley says:

    is it just me or does anyone else think an abacus looks like an anal bead point of sale display

    i’m glad i’ve never bothered having a computer, don’t know how to work one or anything….it’s just trouble in store

  22. scared monster says:

    Where is the multicolored apple, up left? Why is it now blue? Did I loose the ability of seeing colors? Have I ever had this ability?

    And who are you, in the end?

    Did you know the Big Mr J. Loves you, all of you, and works in 9.2?

    (No, that was a bad joke. He doesn’t love you at all…)

  23. “The stability of your computing experience should not be held hostage by the old or infirm.”

    🙂 Words to live by… or die by if you’re one of the old or sicklies.

  24. g0rdo says:

    25th, and I took my IOWA / ITBS tests today.

    Yaaaayyyy

    bitches

  25. Del says:

    “guys living in rural Michigan who own a metal press”

    Hey those guys are my neighbors. I’ll be able to get nifty new PPC chips hot off the presses literally.

  26. DrG says:

    Del Says:
    March 7th, 2006 at 2:26 pm
    “guys living in rural Michigan who own a metal press”
    Hey those guys are my neighbors. I’ll be able to get nifty new PPC chips hot off the presses literally.

    Do THEY look knowingly/longingly into each other’s eyes when they hand over the silicon wafers?
    What happens to intel worker love?
    Doesn’t anybody think about the little people???

  27. buttmunch says:

    microsoft and apple will merge and the new logo in the left top corner will look more like a prune.

  28. The Invisible Evil Boys' Choir says:

    SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH!
    SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH!
    SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH!
    SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH! SWITCH!

  29. comacnut says:

    I prefer OS 12.4. Its all the rage here in the future. It’s compatible with all types of baked breakfast goods but they haven’t got the sexbot driver kinks all worked out yet.

  30. Mpls Guy says:

    Kinky sexbots in the future…sounds great!

  31. Indeed, the SE/30 is a far superior machine. I still use one to this day! 128MB of RAM, ROMs from a IIsi, Asante MacCon ethernet card, and a Daystar 40MHz Turbo040 overclocked to 50MHz. I still use it and my ImageWriter I for all of my word processing.

    No, I’m not kidding.

  32. Mac Expert says:

    This is nonsense. I work at apple inc. in Cupertino and this is crazy. The percentage of a virus is 20%. SO do not worry Mac users.

  33. WebCester says:

    That has to be more RAM than HD space, TheHolyMacintosh. Don’t you mean 12MB?

  34. Walking Contradiction says:

    The SE/30 was such a hackable pile of junk it’s not even funny. I’ll prove it, just put one on the web with all the ports open and let me create a user account on it remotely and I’ll claim to have it hacked within 20 minutes! You don’t need *proof*, do you?

    Just try that with my old trusty 512K though! (I’m serious, I have an old Mac 512K from ’86! Beat that! Oh yeah, someone already mentioned stick drawings in the dirt and an abacus.)

  35. Nope, WebCester, I kid you not. My SE/30 has a full 128MB of RAM. It’s possible, google around and you’ll find it’s true.

    I’m typing this entry from it right now.

    That’s gotta be at least vaugely webcestuous.

  36. Anonymous says:

    Where can i purchase real moncler coat from?

  37. I wanted to thank you for this excellent read!! I certainly enjoyed every little bit of it. I’ve got you book-marked to look at new things you post…

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