Earth-shattering news tonight as Crazy Apple Rumors Site has confirmed rumors that Apple is in talks to acquire Disney.
CARS has learned that on Monday Apple will announce an eight-way deal to acquire Disney, one that will also send slugger Juan Gonzalez to the New York Mets and require the U.S. to cede Orange County, Calif. to Finland.
According to sources close to Apple CEO Steve Jobs and actor William Shatner, Apple will trade Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller to Lenovo for cash considerations.
The cash – which will not be inconsiderable for an executive of Schiller’s stature – will then be used to help fund a purchase of Disney and, for some reason, a six pack of Old Milwaukee. The SEC – because of rules instituted after the release of The Terminator in 1984 – will mandate that Disney sell off all the animatronic characters in its theme parks to prevent Apple from using them to create a breed of super-powerful, killer robots.
The animatronic characters will be sold to the Seattle Mariners where they will be guaranteed to be ineffective. The Mariners will send Ichiro to the Indians who will send Gonzalez to the Mets. The Mets will then trade Victor Diaz and two minor leaguers to the Angels. California will send Orange County to Finland and Finland will go out to lunch with some friends and then go see Finnish crooner Ville Valo.
Sources were unable to say for sure what Apple would then do with Disney, but there was some thought about making little games for the kiddies.