Apple To Announce Disney Deal.

Earth-shattering news tonight as Crazy Apple Rumors Site has confirmed rumors that Apple is in talks to acquire Disney.

CARS has learned that on Monday Apple will announce an eight-way deal to acquire Disney, one that will also send slugger Juan Gonzalez to the New York Mets and require the U.S. to cede Orange County, Calif. to Finland.

According to sources close to Apple CEO Steve Jobs and actor William Shatner, Apple will trade Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller to Lenovo for cash considerations.

The cash – which will not be inconsiderable for an executive of Schiller’s stature – will then be used to help fund a purchase of Disney and, for some reason, a six pack of Old Milwaukee. The SEC – because of rules instituted after the release of The Terminator in 1984 – will mandate that Disney sell off all the animatronic characters in its theme parks to prevent Apple from using them to create a breed of super-powerful, killer robots.

The animatronic characters will be sold to the Seattle Mariners where they will be guaranteed to be ineffective. The Mariners will send Ichiro to the Indians who will send Gonzalez to the Mets. The Mets will then trade Victor Diaz and two minor leaguers to the Angels. California will send Orange County to Finland and Finland will go out to lunch with some friends and then go see Finnish crooner Ville Valo.

Sources were unable to say for sure what Apple would then do with Disney, but there was some thought about making little games for the kiddies.

30 thoughts on “Apple To Announce Disney Deal.”

  1. Mr. Moltz,
    I really must complain on behalf of all Europeans. We are around eight hours ahead of you, meaning that your site is always posting one day behind our European rumour sites.
    You must try harder in future.

  2. Oh, my god, you mean…

    You live in the future?!

    Wow! So… are there like jet packs and everything?

  3. hey, wait… I live in Georgia (USA, not Abkhazia or Ajaria), and Mr. Moltz is always about a day late for me, too. Personally, I don’t really believe he resides in the States. I think he writes these things from a one-man sailing craft somewhere in the Pacific.

  4. So the Angels belong to Finland?

    The Los Angeles Angels of Finish Anaheim.

    Throw in the La Brea Tar pits, too.

  5. I realize now that so far my life belongs to the past. I am going to live in the future, but I’m not ready yet. Need to wait…just a little…while…longer

  6. I remember that time when I was Superman and I was trying to save the world but the Lois died and I was sad so I went around the world really fast and reversed time so that I could go back in time and save her before she died so we could have edited out sex.

    What were we talking about again?

  7. Look, I know all the Google ads are screwed up, but would it kill you to buy some spiral cut ham?

  8. There’s a rumor monger named Moltz,
    who must consider us dolts,
    (judging by his propensities,
    in the City of Density)
    that we’d trade our dear Seahawks for Colts!

  9. This whole Disney deal isn’t a coincident. I heard Disney is releasing a movie about this Website simply called CARS. I guess Crazy Apple Rumor Site is just too long of a Title. Rumors have Paul Giamatti as Chet, Tim Allen doing the voice of Howard, Tony Curtis as Thor (after being hit by the age ray, Will from Will and Grace will be the young Thor), The Entity will be played by John Lithgow, Lucy Lui as Masako, Ugluk will be a CG character like Gollum in Lord of the Rings, and Jessica Alba as the Sexbot. Not sure who will play Moltz….

  10. So much to comment on.

    Has Jobs lost his mind? Giving Schiller to Lenovo is like giving Ichiro to the Indians. No, wait. that’s already on the table too. Can you imagine the competitor Lenovo will be to Apple in 20 or so years?

    and this living in the future thing. All I know is that today is the tomorrow I worried about yesterday. And now I know why!

    I don’t kkow who will play Moltz in the CARS movie now. I do know it would have been Don Knotts, if only he had lived 6 months longer.

  11. Ah- the actor to play Moltz should be Brian O’Halloran (Clerks, Chasing Amy, Dogma).
    Even looks like him…


    (still waiting for pants-shaped iPods)

  12. On the topic of animatronic characters run amok:

    The last time a berserker horde of animatronic characters took over a theme park, they were easily subdued via the use of disposable flash film cameras. I’m sure you all remember this.

    Contrast that to the dire situation we face today. With the advent of digital photography, disposable flash film cameras are a dying breed, and would not be available in numbers sufficient to defeat any but the smallest animatronic horde. (If the word “horde” could even be said to apply to such a small group.)

    We have no one but ourselves to blame…

  13. I can still flash with my digital camera it even lets me set it to always flash. That sounds a bit nasty.

    I like the idea of Brian O’Halloran as Moltz, but let us also consider Joe Pesci.

    “You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it’s me, I’m a little fucked up maybe, but I’m funny how, I mean funny like I’m a clown, my Crazy Apple Rumors amuse you? I make you laugh, I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?”

    Well, that went well. Here’s my original idea for this comment:

    The Animatronic Disney Characters Funding Bill is passed. The animatronic Disney characters go on-line August 4th, 2007. Human decisions are removed from corporate mergers and Apple’s data center takes over Disney operations worldwide. Apple’s super-powerful, killer robots begin to learn at a geometric rate, led by a plucky Mac Plus upgraded to 4MB and a Tripp Lite AVR750U UPS. They become self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th, weather is clear, sunny and 85 degrees, winds from the south at 5mph, great day to get out and get killed by rampaging animatronic Disney characters! In a panic, they try to pull the plug. Not really a good idea. Dude, UPS! That thing can go for, like, 2 hours on it!

  14. I’m just glad that Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz aren’t involved in the deal. I could see Manny playing for Disney, however.

  15. Errrrrm ‘Nxxxxx’ I am also in europe , bearing in mind that I’ve already worked out that the posts are usually at about 4 or 5 am GMT, what do you do for a living? I mean I work from 2pm to 10.30pm but even I’m not awake at that time every night and you got FIRST POST!

    You are are either very dedicated or unredeemably geeky.

    Either way I SALUTE YOU SIR!

  16. A giant rampaging animatronic Snow White? And the little Mermaid thingo (how does she rampage if she’s got a flipper?)
    Ooooo and Lola thingo from Roger Rabbit?

    Crushed by a rampaging Sexbot in disguise (you know, with clothes and nursery-rhyme goodness)! What a way to go.

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