The government reported today that U.S. productivity fell at a -0.5 annual rate in the fourth quarter and, as if to accentuate this decline, several junior Apple executives were seen standing on de Anza Blvd. whipping pennies at passing cars this afternoon.
Around 2:00 PM Pacific time, Worldwide Director of iPod Product Marketing Stan Ng, Senior Director of Desktop Product Marketing Tom Boger, Vice President of Application Marketing Rob Schoeben and several other unidentified junior Apple executives were standing along the main thoroughfare in front of the Apple campus drinking Mountain Dew fortified with rum. Periodically they pulled pennies out of their pockets and whipped them at passing cars, laughing derisively.
The group ran off only once when old man Jenkins stopped his 1960 Buick LeSabre to lean out the window and shake his fist at them.
“Goooooooood damn punks!” Jenkins yelled.
While old man Jenkins was willing to stand up to Ng and his posse, Apple’s senior executive corps has so far declined to.
“I’ve washed my hands of the whole thing,” said CEO Steve Jobs. “If they want to waste their lives by causing mischief, strutting about in those tight leather pants and riding around on those scooters… whaddaya call ’em… mopeds… that’s their decision.”
Asked why Jobs did not make sure that this behavior reflected negatively on their performance reviews, he laughed sardonically.
“Oh, please! Then they’d be moping around here, sighing heavily, stomping their feet and otherwise acting like ungrateful wretches. I’d rather have them out there on the street.
“I’d rather have them out there on the street!” Jobs shouted, pounding his fist on the table.
After a pause Jobs said “No, that’s terrible. I don’t mean that.”