Junior Apple Executives Whipping Pennies At Cars.

The government reported today that U.S. productivity fell at a -0.5 annual rate in the fourth quarter and, as if to accentuate this decline, several junior Apple executives were seen standing on de Anza Blvd. whipping pennies at passing cars this afternoon.

Around 2:00 PM Pacific time, Worldwide Director of iPod Product Marketing Stan Ng, Senior Director of Desktop Product Marketing Tom Boger, Vice President of Application Marketing Rob Schoeben and several other unidentified junior Apple executives were standing along the main thoroughfare in front of the Apple campus drinking Mountain Dew fortified with rum. Periodically they pulled pennies out of their pockets and whipped them at passing cars, laughing derisively.

The group ran off only once when old man Jenkins stopped his 1960 Buick LeSabre to lean out the window and shake his fist at them.

Goooooooood damn punks!” Jenkins yelled.

While old man Jenkins was willing to stand up to Ng and his posse, Apple’s senior executive corps has so far declined to.

“I’ve washed my hands of the whole thing,” said CEO Steve Jobs. “If they want to waste their lives by causing mischief, strutting about in those tight leather pants and riding around on those scooters… whaddaya call ’em… mopeds… that’s their decision.”

Asked why Jobs did not make sure that this behavior reflected negatively on their performance reviews, he laughed sardonically.

“Oh, please! Then they’d be moping around here, sighing heavily, stomping their feet and otherwise acting like ungrateful wretches. I’d rather have them out there on the street.

I’d rather have them out there on the street!” Jobs shouted, pounding his fist on the table.

After a pause Jobs said “No, that’s terrible. I don’t mean that.”

21 thoughts on “Junior Apple Executives Whipping Pennies At Cars.”

  1. Mr. Moltz, Sir,
    As you appear to be one of Mr. Jobs’ trusted advisers, advise him to have them taken outside and shot. This method has always cured any problems in my long and successful career.
    Should he feel that this is a little harsh, the pitching of coins at automobiles must contravene the ‘Defacement of Currency’ regulations.
    Disgusted Col Retd

  2. Glad to see Mr. Beadman back in the top 10. I think I’ll go down and throw a couple of apples at old man Jenkins’ roof.

  3. Meanwhile, Jonathan Ive has been spending all his time playing checkers which may account for his recent design work…

    Oh man guys, that last line was gold. Hilareous. Good work.

  4. Will it be eleventh this time?
    And those guys, I think Schiller should have a caht with them. He seems like the older brother-type the guys might idolise and therefore follow devotedly. ANd if Phil says it’s Not Cool, it’s Not Cool.

  5. What kind of growth? The kind you need cream for?

    Chain them all to their desks and make them watch the Ballmer ‘Monkey Dance” non-stop for 24 hours! That’l teach them.

    And bring back hanging!

    Oh. you already have that.
    Disregard that satirical stereotypical right-wing comment.

  6. Remember the time we made a bunch of snowballs and put them in the freezer until summer? And then took them out on that hot day and threw them at old man Jenkins when he went out to get his mail? Man, he cussed a blue streak! He must have figured out who did it, though, ’cause I got grounded. For a week! It was worth it though.

  7. Main thoroughfare? They should have just gone for the freeway. I bet with a good penny shooter you could get one all the way from the roof of the building to the carpool lane. And no way for those sorry fools to get back up to you.
    Just make sure you don’t throw it too far, like into traffic going the other way.

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