Apple reported disturbing news today that has some doubting the company’s continued ability to stay profitable.
According to CFO Peter Oppenheimer who spoke to analysts in a conference call, the company is running disturbingly low on Kool-Aid brand non-carbonated soft drink, which – as any Apple follower knows – is what keeps its base of loyal fans coming back for more.
“Drinking the Kool-Aid” has become an rite of passage for the Mac faithful, although many people outside the Mac community are not aware that the phrase is literal, not figurative.
Drawing a parallel to the company’s previous problems getting supplies of PowerPC chips from Motorola and IBM, Oppenheimer said that Kraft Foods has been unable to meet Apple’s demand as the success of the iPod and the Mac have swelled its customer base.
“Without a sufficient strategic supply of Kool-Aid brand beverage,” Oppenheimer said, “we will not be able to maintain control of our army of zombie underlings.
“I mean our customers. I meant to say ‘customers.’ ‘Valued customers.’ That’s what I mean to say.”
Oppenheimer did say that Apple has been working with other vendors to see if generic brands might be imbued with the same properties as the very specific type of Kool-Aid Kraft Foods has been making for the company for over 20 years. So far, results have been less than promising.
“Several test subjects felt mildly compelled to buy a copy of iWork,” Oppenheimer said, “but ultimately they wandered out of the Apple Store and… um… well, sadly, into traffic. Very… very tragic.
“One of the side effects of our Kool-Aid is, however, a certain slow-wittedness exhibited by a glassy look in the eyes. You’ll see that look on most of our zom… uh, customers.”
Oppenheimer said that tests will continue while Kraft Foods is looking into expanding its capacity to create powdered sugar capable of mind control.
Apple’s stock was down -0.65 on the news.