08 Mar 06Apple Running Out of Kool-Aid.

Apple reported disturbing news today that has some doubting the company’s continued ability to stay profitable.

According to CFO Peter Oppenheimer who spoke to analysts in a conference call, the company is running disturbingly low on Kool-Aid brand non-carbonated soft drink, which – as any Apple follower knows – is what keeps its base of loyal fans coming back for more.

“Drinking the Kool-Aid” has become an rite of passage for the Mac faithful, although many people outside the Mac community are not aware that the phrase is literal, not figurative.

Drawing a parallel to the company’s previous problems getting supplies of PowerPC chips from Motorola and IBM, Oppenheimer said that Kraft Foods has been unable to meet Apple’s demand as the success of the iPod and the Mac have swelled its customer base.

“Without a sufficient strategic supply of Kool-Aid brand beverage,” Oppenheimer said, “we will not be able to maintain control of our army of zombie underlings.

“I mean our customers. I meant to say ‘customers.’ ‘Valued customers.’ That’s what I mean to say.”

Oppenheimer did say that Apple has been working with other vendors to see if generic brands might be imbued with the same properties as the very specific type of Kool-Aid Kraft Foods has been making for the company for over 20 years. So far, results have been less than promising.

“Several test subjects felt mildly compelled to buy a copy of iWork,” Oppenheimer said, “but ultimately they wandered out of the Apple Store and… um… well, sadly, into traffic. Very… very tragic.

“One of the side effects of our Kool-Aid is, however, a certain slow-wittedness exhibited by a glassy look in the eyes. You’ll see that look on most of our zom… uh, customers.”

Oppenheimer said that tests will continue while Kraft Foods is looking into expanding its capacity to create powdered sugar capable of mind control.

Apple’s stock was down -0.65 on the news.

39 Responses to “Apple Running Out of Kool-Aid.”

  1. t1m M@ says:

    milk shakes do not bring chuck norris to the yard

  2. t1m M@ says:

    damn I’m not first

  3. Nxxx says:

    second!!!!

  4. Nxxx says:

    and third

  5. Nxxx says:

    peace on earth and kool-aid rocks

  6. John Moltz says:

    why can’t my name be John Moltz

  7. serious user says:

    anybody have any idea when the 17″ MacBook pro is coming out?

  8. Ozi says:

    Woo. Oh yeah. And i read it, and even took time to chortle.

    Twice, in fact.

  9. Mark Eddy says:

    I’m not really first, am I?

  10. Ozi says:

    pppft. I bet BILL didn’t chortle. *grumbles*

    Besides, I had lag over the pan-pacific internet pipeline. No fair!

  11. Mark Eddy says:

    whoa. not even close

  12. Mark Eddy says:

    Where’s my braaaaaanes?

    I mean waffles.

  13. serious user says:

    hahaha gotcha

    people 1-8 were me!!!!!

  14. igloo says:

    tim ma

  15. LimeyBloke, in an English accent says:

    Oh my god. I’m 30.

    Last thing I remember I was 20 and went in to a shop to buy a PB 5300c . . .

    And then , then, then errrrrr . . . . . . . .

    Oh yeah , errrr guys , I know why all those PC – World assistants seem so brainless. Errrrm bit of a mess in my room here.

    Heueuurrghhh!

  16. Ace Deuce says:

    Richard Brautigan told the story of the Kool-Aid wino, and back then I thought someone would have to be very poor to drink watered-down Kool-Aid without sugar added.

    Nowadays I think such a one might be a connoisseur.

  17. Yeah, the grammar nazi would like to point out that it’s “rite of passage” not “right of passage.”

    Carry on.

  18. GordonC says:

    “is what its base of loyal fans coming back for more”

    keeps?

  19. One man and his mac says:

    I think Moltz’s poor grammar today is clearly indicative of the effects lack of Kool-Aid can have. If he doesn’t get any more, this site might start to focus less on Apple product rumors, and more on witty satire.
    Personally, I think Oppenheimer’s been keeping all the Kool-Aid to himself. That’s why he loooks chubbier than the rest of the execs.

  20. techietim says:

    This just goes to show why Macs are less popular in the UK, as we don’t have Kool-Aid here (at least not easily accessible). However, we tend to find the affects of processed cheese slices in the DVD drives strangely informative!

  21. Streetrabbit says:

    a kool-aid band-aid
    soothing to a cut finger
    racoon licks tickle

  22. Abe Lincolnlogski says:

    You can tell the mac user from his red kool-aid stained lips.
    – from “Dune”

  23. I took all the Kool-Aid. You wussy Mac users will just have to make do with Flav-or-Aid.

  24. Zounds Padang says:

    What have I been doing! Oh no! I haven’t had Kool-aid for about a month!
    Will I be reprimanded? Does my geek status get revoked? The world is falling apart!

  25. Not Jim Jones says:

    “Drink the Kool-Aid” is actually a reference to the mass suicide that took place in Jonestown Guyana in 1978. The implication is that Apple fans would commit suicided if Steve Jobs so ordered.

  26. Oh, jeez, way to bum us out, man.

    That wandering into traffic part was awesome. I would drug my customers too, except they already seem to have a taste for crappy software, so really, no need. I keep thinking I’m supposed to do a release or some such thing today, but I forget. I should get a palm pilot or something to remember this stuff.

  27. Del says:

    As a kid I used to always eat the “poor kid’s pixie sticks” i.e. Kool-Aid without the water added.

  28. Gary says:

    re: Not Jim Jones

    I think it is more likely a reference to the electric cool-aid that was popular in the Bay Area, that Apple calls home, and made believers out of a lot of folks.

  29. g0rdo says:

    31st bowngchkabowwonng

    bitches

  30. Okay, no it says “an rite of passage.”

    Heh.

    No cigar from the grammar nazi for YOU.

  31. Ahem, I mean “now.”

  32. Oops, sorry about that. I miscounted. I meant to say “thirty-fourth.”

    I’ll get my writ of passage and get out of here. 🙂

  33. Not Jim Jones says:

    Re: Gary

    As you’re Apple’s friend, I defer to your inside knowledge.

    I’m pretty sure the popular culture interpretation is based on the Jonestown incident — check wikipedia for both Kool-Aid and Jonestown.

    The irony is that they actually used Flavr-Aid.

  34. burnyourPC says:

    Hence Harrison Ford’s comment when George Lucas gathered the old cast together at the Ranch to announce the prequels (allegedly appearing in only a dressing gown). “If he starts serving Kool-Aid… I’m leaving”.

  35. fish says:

    apple,so like it

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    this contact form http://www.ilhs.eu/cheap-e-liquid/how-to-make-liquid-soap-from-scraps-of-bar-soap.asp

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