10 Mar 06Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Crazy Apple Help Desk offers tips for what you can do to keep your Mac safe.


Q: I’m horribly concerned about the OS X Trojan that does nothing malevolent. So concerned that I have trouble sleeping at night and when I finally do fall asleep at 3:00 AM I have nightmares about the Trojan invasion of Tyre. Bunch of dudes in skirts running around… Horrible. Just horrible. Anyway, can you expound at length today, eschewing all other questions, on how I should best deal with the current security crisis… or epidemic… call it an epidemic if you like… facing the Mac?

A: As you well know, we here at Crazy Apple Help Desk have a vast experience with Macs, OS X, security issues and hot, steamy sex with Salma Hayek that far outweighs that of any of our readers.

Don’t go to Chris Breen or John Gruber or Rob Griffiths if you want help on any of those subjects, either.

Although I heard Breen actually nailed Crystal Bernard once. Which, you know, that’s great and all, I guess, but it was in 1988 and he won’t stop talking about it.

At any rate, allow us to dip into our impressive breadth of knowledge and convey at least a small portion of it to you as best we can.

I’m talking about Mac security, not sex with Salma.

That’s between us and Salma.

But allow us to just reiterate:

Hot.

And.

Steamy.

But for the purposes of this discussion – the one about OS X security threats and how best to protect yourself – that’s neither here nor there.

Still…

Hot and steamy.

OK.

The most certain means of protecting your Mac is to not, under any circumstances, remove it from the box. This is a classic rookie mistake. A lot of switchers, for example, will make this mistake. Typical Windows user. Rush to get the computer out of the box, get yourself all excited and then like thirty seconds later they’re all apologies, “Oh, my god, I can’t believe it! That’s never happened before! Oh, I’m so sorry! I can usually go a lot longer than that!”

Yeah, right, Windows boy.

Anyway, if at all possible, keep your Mac in the box it came in and place it in a spare room and lock the door from the inside.

Tell no one.

Except your clergyman.

Apparently there’s some sort of mojo they can do to keep the devil out.

Depending on your denomination. I mean, if you’re a Unitarian, don’t even go there, girlfriend.

Also, many people do not take the term “fire wall” literally enough. Tricking your router out by painting it like a van with flames and a big Frank Frazetta of a dude with a sword probably won’t keep it safe from malware, but it will make you look like a real badass.

That’s gotta be worth something.

Finally, uh, don’t open files from strangers and make sure Safari’s set to not automatically open downloads.

G’nite!

Q: …

You didn’t have sex with Salma Hayek.

A: Um…

Well…

…it was dark.

27 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. comacnut says:

    Is it true that CARS is outsourcing the Help Desk to India?

  2. John Moltz says:

    No. There’s no easy way to convey the accent in writing.

  3. Huh? says:

    Um… I just read the article like, oh say, five times.

    It was…

    uh

    Mmmm…

    I’m gonna go check with my pants to see if they get it.

    I mean, it seemed funny enough, but… yeah.

    I’m gonna have to go over it again.

    Too many big words.

    moo

  4. Scooter says:

    Why is it that some people comment when they really don’t have anything to say.

  5. Nxxx says:

    Men running around in skirts? Go careful Moltz, you’ll upset the Scots, as well as the Trojans.
    Now I’m worried, if it doesn’t do anything nasty, how do you know you’ve got it?
    I’ll try putting it in a disinfectant bath, just in case.
    WORKS!

  6. Salma Hayak says:

    Oh, heh, Johnny…
    I’m Salma Hayak, with an “a”.
    mmhmm…
    And I’m 350 pounds.
    I dunno how you confused us.
    And it wasn’t that hot and steamy…
    I mean you crying out “Oh SHILLER SHILLER SHILLER” is not really hot… or steamy…
    …so…
    I’ll change my name to “Hayek” if you do it again…

  7. India strikes again. Only 1 question answered instead of the required 4!

  8. Huh? says:

    Ooooooo!!!!

    I get it now!

    Thanks John…

  9. GingerSex says:

    Setting up for…

  10. first post says:

    11! Better than Salma Hayek!

    Posting from a PC because my Mac is still in the box.

  11. JAV says:

    No one has claimed first post, so I will.

  12. Ace Deuce says:

    First post!

    Oops. Sorry, JAV.

  13. LimeyBloke, in an English accent says:

    Why did you have to link to that site?
    I just wasted half an hour drooling and now my keyboard’s all damp.

    Anyway you’re supposed to protect your mac with Trojans aren’t you?

    Apply one to the ethernet lead before connecting to a Windows network for complete safety from STD’s (Stupid iT Departments).

  14. fofo says:

    2nd! shaweeeet!

    I could kick my own ass (though not ver effectively).

  15. g0rdo says:

    16th YESSS!!!!!!!!!! top 20~~!!!!!!!!! best ive ever done

    bitches

  16. Liar!

    I had hot, steamy sex with Salma Hayek.

    AND, I made a video of it.

    Start drooling, you pasty-faced fanboys!

  17. Nick says:

    Where’s Laemkral?

  18. Huh? says:

    Just outside of Hoboken…

  19. Anonymous says:

    Only one help desk question? Sure, its long but… didnt we have a thing going on there?

  20. Typo says:

    Does anyone have a site where I could download that new Trojan everyone’s talking about?

  21. scared monster says:

    I casted my iMac in concrete.
    It’s a bit difficult now to look at the screen, due to the 5 centimeters of protection glass, and the keyboard is…let’s say stiff. It’s the gloves I wear, too…
    But it works. I even been on the Norton Site to get the computer tested, and it said I should upgrade to Mac OS 8.6.
    No way.
    I won’t do it.

  22. frumpy says:

    ok so there is a so-called mac virus but what if my mac catches a cold? should I give it some NyQuil and put it to sleep?

  23. Slowpoke says:

    last!

  24. GordonC says:

    not!

  25. LimeyBloke, in an English accent says:

    Tsk… All these puerile Comments about placement , where’s the satire?

    Where’s the whimsy?

    Where’s the witty yet erudite commentary?

    Hell, where’s the innuendo and double-entendre?

    Even the toilet gags?

    Oh well, I CLAIM INFINTY-ITH! BIAAATCHES!

  26. Ello stopping by to say whats up, michale also says hey and maybe we can get together next week

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