Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Crazy Apple Help Desk offers tips for what you can do to keep your Mac safe.
Q: I’m horribly concerned about the OS X Trojan that does nothing malevolent. So concerned that I have trouble sleeping at night and when I finally do fall asleep at 3:00 AM I have nightmares about the Trojan invasion of Tyre. Bunch of dudes in skirts running around… Horrible. Just horrible. Anyway, can you expound at length today, eschewing all other questions, on how I should best deal with the current security crisis… or epidemic… call it an epidemic if you like… facing the Mac?
A: As you well know, we here at Crazy Apple Help Desk have a vast experience with Macs, OS X, security issues and hot, steamy sex with Salma Hayek that far outweighs that of any of our readers.
Don’t go to Chris Breen or John Gruber or Rob Griffiths if you want help on any of those subjects, either.
Although I heard Breen actually nailed Crystal Bernard once. Which, you know, that’s great and all, I guess, but it was in 1988 and he won’t stop talking about it.
At any rate, allow us to dip into our impressive breadth of knowledge and convey at least a small portion of it to you as best we can.
I’m talking about Mac security, not sex with Salma.
That’s between us and Salma.
But allow us to just reiterate:
But for the purposes of this discussion – the one about OS X security threats and how best to protect yourself – that’s neither here nor there.
Hot and steamy.
The most certain means of protecting your Mac is to not, under any circumstances, remove it from the box. This is a classic rookie mistake. A lot of switchers, for example, will make this mistake. Typical Windows user. Rush to get the computer out of the box, get yourself all excited and then like thirty seconds later they’re all apologies, “Oh, my god, I can’t believe it! That’s never happened before! Oh, I’m so sorry! I can usually go a lot longer than that!”
Yeah, right, Windows boy.
Anyway, if at all possible, keep your Mac in the box it came in and place it in a spare room and lock the door from the inside.
Tell no one.
Except your clergyman.
Apparently there’s some sort of mojo they can do to keep the devil out.
Depending on your denomination. I mean, if you’re a Unitarian, don’t even go there, girlfriend.
Also, many people do not take the term “fire wall” literally enough. Tricking your router out by painting it like a van with flames and a big Frank Frazetta of a dude with a sword probably won’t keep it safe from malware, but it will make you look like a real badass.
That’s gotta be worth something.
Finally, uh, don’t open files from strangers and make sure Safari’s set to not automatically open downloads.
You didn’t have sex with Salma Hayek.
…it was dark.