An Indian news service reported today that Apple, following the lead of hundreds of other American companies, is opening a massive technical support center in India.
Almost immediately, a whine of epic proportions went up from the Macintosh community, largely consisting of concerns that Indians:
- Possibly because they had to live under the rule of the British Empire for almost 200 years, still speak English with a “reel funnay accent.”
- Despite being college educated and hard working, the fact that they were born into a society with a lower cost and standard of living somehow means they’re stupid or incompetent.
One legitimate concern was that forcing someone named Harischandra to answer the phone “Hello, my name is Harry. How may I help you?” may be considered an international human rights violation.
Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Apple has instituted the following measures to ensure that the help desk service delivered by its Indian call center is on par with or exceeding the company’s existing reputation for quality:
- The hit movie Monsoon Wedding will be a free iTunes download to help acclimate Apple customers to the Indian accent.
- All support question will be answered in the form of a light-hearted Bollywood musical number, featuring hundreds of dancers, a full orchestra with a zither and a bansuri, and a lot of head movement and coy blinking and smiling meant to convey such topics as “Please reboot in single-user mode.”
- The company will only be hiring hot, buxom Indian women such as are depicted in any illustrated edition of the Kama Sutra.
- Every 100th help desk caller is allowed to skip the Hindu cycles of death and rebirth and go straight to enlightenment.
Apple declined to comment officially for this story but sources say that CEO Steve Jobs has taken up Bikram yoga in the last month.