09 Mar 06Apple to Open Tech Support Facility In India.

An Indian news service reported today that Apple, following the lead of hundreds of other American companies, is opening a massive technical support center in India.

Almost immediately, a whine of epic proportions went up from the Macintosh community, largely consisting of concerns that Indians:

  • Possibly because they had to live under the rule of the British Empire for almost 200 years, still speak English with a “reel funnay accent.”
  • Despite being college educated and hard working, the fact that they were born into a society with a lower cost and standard of living somehow means they’re stupid or incompetent.

One legitimate concern was that forcing someone named Harischandra to answer the phone “Hello, my name is Harry. How may I help you?” may be considered an international human rights violation.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Apple has instituted the following measures to ensure that the help desk service delivered by its Indian call center is on par with or exceeding the company’s existing reputation for quality:

  • The hit movie Monsoon Wedding will be a free iTunes download to help acclimate Apple customers to the Indian accent.
  • All support question will be answered in the form of a light-hearted Bollywood musical number, featuring hundreds of dancers, a full orchestra with a zither and a bansuri, and a lot of head movement and coy blinking and smiling meant to convey such topics as “Please reboot in single-user mode.”
  • The company will only be hiring hot, buxom Indian women such as are depicted in any illustrated edition of the Kama Sutra.
  • Every 100th help desk caller is allowed to skip the Hindu cycles of death and rebirth and go straight to enlightenment.

Apple declined to comment officially for this story but sources say that CEO Steve Jobs has taken up Bikram yoga in the last month.

25 Responses to “Apple to Open Tech Support Facility In India.”

  1. comacnut says:

    Uno!

  2. brad says:

    Thats the best I’ve ever got…

  3. Nxxx says:

    Mr. Moltz,
    The third of the ‘Ads by Google’ reads ‘Coke UK’ and the fourth ‘Coke Cooler’.
    Do you believe this blatant advertising of controlled drugs would be approved by Mr. Jobs or Mr. Bush? Also, they do not offer a home delivery service.

  4. Eric says:

    I’m fourth! Did I win enlightenment?

  5. Nxxx says:

    Having now read the article, sorry John, and missed first post, the ‘funny accent’ you refer to is doubly insulting. It is a direct result of the number of Welsh troops serving in Asia Minor at the time, being used as pronunciation role models.
    As a loyal Welshman, it is my duty to inform you that you are now officially at the top of the ‘Glyndwr Enemy of the People’ list.
    So sad for such talent to be erased before it is allowed to fully blossom…………

  6. comacnut says:

    Apple had to send its tech support to India as part of the multi-team trade for Mohandas Gandhi.

  7. Zeb says:

    hmmm, I missed enlightenment but I now have total consciousness…so I got that goin’ for me.

  8. Penumbra says:

    I have partial consciousness.

  9. Huh? says:

    I rarely have any consciousness. It’s much more satisfying.

    My pants are enlightened, though.

    moo

  10. GingerSex says:

    bingo 11

  11. Jeff Bezos says:

    Is CARS going to start shouting out movies every entry now, so they can put in the Amazon reccomendation link and scrape their readers for a few more pennies? Because I’d totally be down with that.

  12. Tim Ma says:

    yeah punks, all 12 of these comments are from me.
    hollaback

  13. name says:

    lucky 13

  14. db says:

    Seriously though. Be aware of the word “ensure,” which is in fact a different word to “insure.” Must you insist on pretending this isn’t so?

    (Apologies to those who don’t care. I care.)

  15. g0rdo says:

    15th chiken nuggetz deluxe

    bitches

  16. Gag Halfrunt says:

    My pants are alight.

    Wait. That’s not good.

  17. Ergo says:

    I have low regard for anyone who does not like Indians. I mean, Tonto was great! Took the occasional bullet for the lone ranger. Never really mastered all the parts of speech, but an all around square dude. Indians Ho!

  18. Ace Deuce says:

    Lone Ranger: I’m afraid this is it, old friend. It looks like we are surrounded by Apaches and can’t escape.

    Tonto: What do you mean “we,” white man?

  19. Huh? says:

    Gag-
    Your condition may not be all bad, assuming your post has a typo.
    If your pants were ‘a light’, instead of ‘alight’…

    Nevermind, here’s a fire extinguisher.

    moo

  20. Abe Lincolnlogski says:

    So if Columbus thought he was in Africa when he landed in the Americas, would the Indians have called called the Africans, and we have have Native American Africans and African Americans. Or if the South had brought in Slaves from India and they were called Indian Americans …….. Or what if Tonto could do tech support?

  21. comacnut says:

    Tonto use to do tech support but his job was sent to India. I’m not sure if thats Ironic or not so much. Tonto took an early retirement and now rides is horse on his boat out at sea.

  22. longtime reader says:

    it’s friday but nobody’s picking up at the help desk…

  23. g says:

    Bollywood hold music! That’s boss.

  24. “but source say”

    Ugluk rules! 😉

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