20 Mar 06Rubinstein Looking To Go Out In Blaze of Glory.

Senior Vice President of the iPod division Jon Rubinstein, just two weeks away from his retirement, is still searching for the perfect means to go out in a blaze of glory.

Rubinstein believes that – while he could retire with his dignity in tact – it’d be a hell of a lot more fun to make some waves on his way out.

“And I’ve only got ten more working days to pick just the right thing,” Rubinstein noted. “I want to make this good.”

The man responsible for much of the success of the iPod is reportedly considering sexually harassing a co-worker, showing up to work late and drunk every day and falling asleep in staff meetings and walking around with his fly down asking everyone if they feel a breeze, or just telling off CEO Steve Jobs.

“Man, I’d like to give that guy a piece of my mind,” Rubinstein said, grinding his teeth and shaking his fist. “Stupid black turtleneck… stupid jeans…

“And what’s he gonna do? Fire me?!

Rubinstein noted that the trunk of his 1998 blue Saturn is already full of office supplies, but he considers that more along the lines of “retirement compensation” than “sticking it to the man.”

“I’m pretty sure they factor this stuff in when you get hired,” Rubinstein said. “I mean, where do you think those sites that sell Apple pens, Apple note pads, Apple folders and other quality Apple office products get their stuff? Ex-Apple employees who drive off with trunkloads of this junk.

“I heard Fred Anderson backed a truck up and drove off with 4,000 binders. That’s what I heard.”

Rubinstein plans to pick and implement his flame-out in the next few days in anticipation of being asked to take the following week off on paid leave.

28 Responses to “Rubinstein Looking To Go Out In Blaze of Glory.”

  1. derekm says:

    soooooo close

  2. He should pee on Steve’s desk!

  3. Bandar the Invinsible says:

    There’s got to be tons of better stuff you could walk out with other than office supplies. Were I rubenstein, I’d take a couple of 30″ panels and g5’s from storage to tinker with at home. i want to see the g5 driven hemisphere dang it!

    oh, and top 10 please?

  4. Nxxx says:

    He should bug and camera the executive loo. The resultant tapes should ensure a healthy pension.
    Please give me a top ten mark too.

  5. asozasis says:

    Where can I get one of those binders?
    Octeenth.

  6. Ace Deuce says:

    Riding a Harley up and down the corridors might do the trick.

    Or he could send himself a singing telegram, maybe one of those balloon-animal clowns.

  7. Jebus says:

    He could do the really evil thing, and install Windows on all the intel Macs…

    But I like number 5’s idea better…

  8. Huh? says:

    How about REALLY going out in a blaze of glory. I can think of no better way, than showing up to work with your very own iFlame™!!!
    Set that puppy to ‘Blaze of Glory’ and go to town.
    Oh, yeah…

    Or so my pants tell me…

    moo

  9. lethe says:

    “intact” is one word. “in tact” probably means something else.

  10. Slowpoke says:

    fine, i’ll claim 11 then. sucker. was it worth it lethe, really, was it worth it?

  11. g0rdo says:

    13th YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

    best ever!!!!!! fuckers!!!!!!!!! top 13!!!!!!!!!

  12. g0rdo says:

    fuck I forgot

    bitches

  13. LimeyBloke, in an English accent says:

    15nd Huzzah!

    Hide pennies inside the covers of all Steve’s books so when he opens them they all fall out and he has to pick them all up in front of everyone so he looks like a Pikey!

    Tee-Hee!

    Or just shit on Steve’s desk.

  14. UhhhDude says:

    When all else fails, the stink bomb in the men’s room is a guaranteed classic.

    To add a bit of dash, substitute the stink bomb with a little C-4, and watch the fun begin!

  15. Del says:

    Nice plugs for the missing bite. I’ve ordered from them before and I can vouch for their good apple stuff.

    I vote for the farm boy classic of putting a cow/steer/bull in Steve’s office overnight. You’ve got a great stench factor and if you get one big enough he won’t fit in the elevators for them to take down the floors. Cattle can go up stairs easily but have a very hard time going down stairs. They’d have a heck of a time getting it out of the building plus with Steve being a vegan he’d have to make sure the cow got out in a humane way. You could also have a constant Moof looped into the Apple Campus sound system for the whole ordeal.

  16. Abe Lincolnlogski says:

    “Or he could send himself a singing telegram, maybe one of those balloon-animal clowns. ”

    Clowns? Have two or three babes show up dressed as sexbots and get the party started! Rubinstein would be all “hey, you guys shouldn’t have, you are all so crazy !!!” and everyone whould be looking around asking each other ‘Did you order the girls?’.

  17. Would that be a Saturn SL or SC? I can’t believe Moltz isn’t getting the important info for these stories.

  18. jurgen says:

    Two words: iPod juggling.

  19. Del says:

    Hey I cannot post to Giga-Post 🙁

    I keep getting:

    Error establishing a database connection

    This either means that the username and password information in your wp-config.php file is incorrect or we can’t contact the database server at mysql-cars.crazyapplerumors.com. This could mean your host’s database server is down.

    Are you sure you have the correct username and password?
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    If you’re unsure what these terms mean you should probably contact your host. If you still need help you can always visit the WordPress Support Forums.

  20. Anonymous says:

    okay for the people that comment just to say they were first…. thats lame and you guys should get a life.

  21. agingeri says:

    24th!

  22. Tha Man says:

    he could just give Steve a a large hunk of raw beef, and leave it on his desk overnight

  23. Jon Rubinstein says:

    I’m what?

  24. Steve Jobs says:

    Yes. Yes I am. I am going to fire you. One day before your retirement. That way was save a ton on pensions and office supplies.

    Wait for it.

  25. Tie me hand and foot and throw me among my own people. – Italian Proverb

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