Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: I’m trying to boot Windows on my Intel-based iMac and I’m running into some problems. I’ve installed Vista on a NTFS/HPFS volume on my iMac’s hard drive and made the necessary file hacks, but it’s still not coming up.
A: You’ll need to hack Darwin Bootloader with the necessary entry so that it loads your Vista partition. Then you should be chainloaded to the Vista bootloader which should in turn boot your Vista install. Finally, and this is very important, don’t forget the unholy sacrifice to Gorto. You’ll never be able to run Windows on a Mac without that.
Q: Well, yes, I’m a little concerned that’s the problem. See, I’ve made the necessary bootloader edits but I just don’t think Gorto is appeased. I did cut a goat. Shouldn’t that be good enough?
A: A goat!? Ha-ha! Noooo! We’re talking about running Windows on a Mac!
Q: Oh. Well, maybe an ox?
A: What?! No. Try a virgin.
Q: A virgin ox?
A: You just confirmed every stereotype I had of people who want to run Windows on a Mac.
Q: What? Oh, a virgin virgin. OK. Well, c’mon, give me a break. I go to ASU. I haven’t seen a virgin in four years.
Q: I’m trying to get OS X running on a cheap PC and I can get it to boot, but I’m having a lot of problems after that.
A: Of course you are. OS X is rejecting the transplant. Just as a human eventually rejects a pig’s liver, so OS X will reject a PC.
Q: But… uh… wait… I think your analogy is backwards.
Q: Well, if I’m trying to put OS X into a PC, then OS X would be the pig’s liver and…
A: Look, it doesn’t matter. What matters is you’re a madman, a madman, I tell you, and it’ll never work. They probably laughed at you at the institute, didn’t they.
Q: … I… well… yes, there was some snickering…
A: Look, why would you want to run OS X on a PC anyway?
Q: Well, I love the Mac operating system, but I’m an unbelievable cheap skate and I’m hoping to save myself a couple of bucks.
A: Yeah, OK, well, the problem with that is that Macs really aren’t more expensive than comparable PCs. Also, try to remember that time equals money.
Q: Time equals…?
A: Money. Yeah. See, how much time have you spent trying to get OS X to run on that PC?
Q: Just a couple… thousand… hours.
A: You see the problem with that, don’t you?
Q: Well, yeah, but it’s like, “Why do you climb a mountain? Because it’s there!”
A: It’s not really like that at all. This is more like “Why do people go on Jackass?”
Q: Yeah, OK, fine, you be that way. But, but when I can run OS X on a Microsoft Personal Media Workstation Consumer Edition Plus – Wrist Scenario, you’ll be sorry.
A: A what?
Q: It’s a… little watch… thingy… little half inch screen… Kinda cool. It’s hard to input with just that little windy knob on the side…
Q: If Apple would just make a little watch thingy with a half inch screen that you use the little windy knob on the side to input to then I wouldn’t have to do this! It’s all about user scenarios, dude.
A: Don’t even start with me.
Q: Well, I’m not trying to run Windows on my Mac or run OS X on a PC.
A: Thank goodness.
Q: Not me, sir. I love my Mac just the way it is.
A: Well, good for you!
Q: Well… no… actually.
Q: For, you see, my love for my Mac is the love that dares not speak its name.
A: Ah. Uh… huh. Oooh.
Q: Yes. The love that is known as…
A: Hoa! Whoa, whoa, let’s just go with your love’s first instinct not to speak its name.
Q: Fair enough. Anyway, my question is about iDVD and an error I’m getting with certain DVD media.
A: Oh. OK. What kind of DVD media?
Q: DVD media… that dares not speak its name.
A: You’re a bit of a drama queen, aren’tcha.