29 Mar 06Newton 2100 And eMate 300 Declared "Obsolete"

Shocking news hit the Newton-using community today as Apple quietly announced that the Newton 2100 and the eMate 300 were officially declared “obsolete.” A declaration of obsolete means that Apple has discontinued hardware service with no exceptions and service providers cannot order parts.

Reaction from all 15 Newton users was swift and angry.

“Who’s obsolete, Steve Jobs, you bitch?” asked a visibly agitated Grant Hutchinson. “Your momma, that’s who. It’s… it’s your momma who’s… um… obsolete.

“I’m sorry, I know that doesn’t make any sense. This is just really upsetting.”

More disturbing than those who – like Hutchinson – expressed anger, were those continuing to live in denial.

“Steve said he was going to replace the Newton,” said Adam Tow, sitting in a corner hugging his knees and rocking back and forth while tapping at his Newton 2100 compulsively. “Steve wouldn’t lie to us. He wouldn’t lie to us! Why would he lie to us? He has no reason to lie to us!”

A review of online materials indicates that Jobs has lied to Apple customers no fewer than 3,453 times.

“A Newton replacement is coming!” Tow shouted. “It’s coming! Just wait! You’ll see!”

Apple declined to comment for this story other than to say that Tow is wrong and a Newton replacement is not coming.

No Responses to “Newton 2100 And eMate 300 Declared "Obsolete"”

  1. Ace Deuce says:

    Thricely.

  2. Nxxx says:

    Mr Moltz,
    Mr. Jobs would never lie, and I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that you make these entries up.

  3. A Rathinavelu says:

    Whether iPhone will compensate this issue ?

  4. Typo says:

    I just carry a Mac Mini around in my back pocket with a little external touch screen.

  5. GordonC says:

    Someone should drop a Newton on Apple’s head.

  6. Imperial Ming's Monkeyman says:

    Mr. Jobs would never lie to us, however, I’m also confident that Mr. Moltz would never lie to us. Therein lies the conundrum.

    To add to the perplexity, I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that someone is making these comments up.

  7. GordonC says:

    Then they would understand the gravity of the situation.

  8. Aaron says:

    As I’m now posting this from my two-years-old 3.0 Ghz G5, I don’t understand how anybody could doubt Steve’s word.

  9. Huh? says:

    I would never make up one of these comments.

    Lucky for me, my pants will never be obsolete.

    But, I am setting up for….

  10. Huh? says:

    Gah! The setup for 11 became 11. I hate it when that happens.

  11. ANONYMOUS says:

    I never lie. Don’t accuse me. For anonymous does not forgive.

    Ever.

  12. Ergo says:

    I actually owned newton. It was worthy of obsolescence. It ate my pet gerbil it sucked so badly. It was way more fun to touch me than to touch screen. Were apple to replace it, they would be touched in the head!

  13. Lachlan says:

    You do know that Steve Jobs was adopted, don’t you? Gives “it’s your momma who’s… um… obsolete” a whole new context…

  14. Isaac Newton says:

    You know, I was sitting under a tree one day when an apple fell on my head, and then Eureka! I had an idea for a PDA-like device that stored contacts, appointments and a moderate amount of porn. I would call it…The Apple!

    I was about to return to my laboratory to work on this miracle device when a giant craft descended from the heavens and landed in the meadow before me. A door on the craft opened, and there stood this oddly-dressed man wearing loose-fitting blue trousers and a tight-fitting black blouse that came halfway up his neck. Then he spoke.

    “I’ll take that from here,” he ordered. “No, I must protest,” I pleaded, but he would have none of that. The last thing I remember from that moment was a shiny cylindrical object he pulled from his trousers, and the glow that emanated from it as I entered a deep slumber.

    As you can imagine, I woke up much later remembering little of the whole incident. I rushed to the face bowl to splash some water on my face; as I beheld my reflection, the mirror told me what I would need to do next. Scrawled across my face in some sort of ink were the words “Discover Gravity.”

    Well, I misinterpreted this cryptic message and went to Switzerland, thinking there was a ski resort there by the name of Gravity. I must sheepishly admit that it took another two years before I made my landmark discovery. (There are some really hot babes in Switzerland.)

    Anyway, everything I told you just now is true.

  15. jimothy says:

    Oh, it’s coming all right, and I’m going to hold my breath until it does.

    Gasp!

  16. MCJE says:

    And I was just about to look for an Apple-brand PDA to go with my Performa 6200. It’s the fancy one with a CD-ROM tray!

  17. Guinness Guys says:

    First Guy: Steve figured out that the masses (people like Paris Hilton), were not ready for the Newton. So the iPod will slowly add features, one new feature every year, until it becomes the Newton replacement.

    Second Guy: Brilliant !!!!

  18. hot momma says:

    apple flavor fig Newton is mighty tatsy

  19. Ace Deuce says:

    Rumor has it that Forrest Gump is dumping his Apple shares. Death knell!

  20. mc says:

    Give me an Einstein any day!

  21. MR. Slaphappy says:

    i deam this blog closed! Ha, Sucka’s!!!! no more posts!!!

  22. Mandrake says:

    My Newton is not obsolete. I don’t care what the punk-ass Jobs says.

  23. Werner Waimarana says:

    Deem.

  24. Werner Waimarana says:

    Dream?

  25. Werner Waimarana says:

    Dream. Self evidently.

  26. g0rdo says:

    28th frogs

    bitches

  27. DrG says:

    LOL @ GordonC

    Let’s get to the core of the matter; does this mean my Quicktake 100 is nearing obsolescence?

  28. And why didn’t Wired put A/UX into the many faces of the various Apple OS incarnations?!?!?!

    http://wiredblogs.tripod.com/apple_os/

    Yes they included DOS3.3 and SOS. Apple SOS, heh, I get it. Still, they left out the first Unix flavored Mac OS and I am mighty perturbed. Jeez Louise!

  29. MR. Slaphappy says:

    Yoink!

  30. ... says:

    WHAT?!? NO MORE NEWTON? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

    Why am I always last?

  31. Chug says:

    Is it possible that someone else might pick up the rights and then bring back a version of the EMATE??

  32. […] has another funny post about iPhone and Newton. They love me over there, as they’ve done several posts about the Newton with me as the model Newton fanatic. iPhone Launched Marred By Unfortunate […]

  33. Discover says:

    I was searching for \’How Did Isaac Newton Discover Gravity\’ at google and found your post named \’Newton 2100 And eMate 300 Declared “Obsolete”\’ in search results. Not very relevant result, but still interesting to read.

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