28 Mar 06Avie Tevanian: The Exclusive CARS Interview!

A devastated Macintosh community read the news yesterday that Avie Tevanian is stepping down as Apple’s Chief Technology Officer effective March 31st to “pursue other interests.”

I spoke with Avie at his home over the weekend as we both took Swedish massage from twin 17-year-old Japanese pearl divers while watching a private screening of The Fast and The Furious III: Tokyo Drift.

I was also high on mescaline but Avie was just having a two-olive gin martini with Quintessential as he had to get up early to do naked Tai Chi with Scarlett Johansson.


THOR: Avie, thanks for meeting with me.

TEVANIAN: Thor, it was the least I could do since you pulled me out of that burning building all those years ago.

THOR: Oh, that. Pff. It wasn’t anything. I’d forgotten all about it.

TEVANIAN: Well, I haven’t. Saved my life. And then you ran back in and saved every one of those fish in the aquarium! You’re amazing!

THOR: Well, I didn’t have to be at that charity event for the little leper children until later. I had the time. But let’s talk about you. I’m sure what’s on the mind of most Mac users out there is “How does Avie’s departure affect Apple, OS X and my personal belief system based on a universe that manifests itself as a constant flux between negative and positive energies?”

TEVANIAN: First of all, I’d like to say that Mac users have no need to fear for the continued success of Apple or OS X. I’ve been phoning it in for the past couple of years.

THOR: Really? That’s very candid of you.

TEVANIAN: Well, I don’t want anyone to worry unnecessarily. I know how Mac users are. I have a reputation as the “father” of OS X or the Mach kernel from my work at Carnegie Mellon. But the truth of the matter is I farmed all the real coding out to an Indian firm. Under the terms of my contract with them and as part of an independent study in business I was doing, I was able to claim the work as my own.

THOR: Now, that I did know. You were a pioneer in outsourcing to Asia.

TEVANIAN: I was. I was doing it long before consumers throughout the U.S. were spending hours on hold waiting to talk to Ranjit. Now the last part of your question about the state of the universe being an ongoing dischord between competing furies I’d like to answer through interpretive dance.

THOR: I was hoping you’d say that.

[Tevanian lifts himself off the massage table and performs a three-hour interpretive dance depicting the infinite saga of the struggle between life and death, darkness and light, good and evil. The finale consists of Tevanian waving sparklers in the air as a neon sign blinking “USA!” lowers from the ceiling.]

THOR: That was marvelous.

TEVANIAN: Thank you!

THOR: Avie, why now? Why are you calling it quits?

TEVANIAN: Well, truth be told, you don’t see a coworker get devoured by beavers and not have it affect you. I realized that life is short. And precious. And fragile.

THOR: Particularly compared to pack of bloodthirsty beavers.

TEVANIAN: [sniff] Yes.

THOR: Some have said that Jon’s death angered you so much that you’re going on a beaver hunt.

TEVANIAN: Um… actually that was something else they were talking about.

THOR: Ah. Oh. Well.

TEVANIAN: Ahem.

THOR: So, what is in store for Avie Tevanian?

TEVANIAN: Well, when I was younger I always wanted to take a few months and backpack across Europe.

THOR: Backpack? Really?

TEVANIAN: Yes. But I’m 44 now and I have a whole crapload of money so I think instead of backpacking I’m going to do it in a really bitching car going about 120 miles an hour with a couple of naked girls. Do the whole thing in a couple of days.

THOR: Hmm. So, uh, that’ll get you through the weekend. What are you going to do next week?

TEVANIAN: Um… I dunno. Uh… maybe hang out by the Gas-N-Sip. See what Gary’s up to. I dunno. I borrowed a buddy’s copy of the first run of Powers. I might read that.

THOR: Don’t you, well, don’t you think you should get a job?

TEVANIAN: I dunno.

No Responses to “Avie Tevanian: The Exclusive CARS Interview!”

  1. Ace Deuce says:

    First.

  2. comacnut says:

    Avie, it’s just fun to say.

  3. 2000guitars says:

    Tokyo Drift ?????????

    aaaaaaaaaaaand

    FIRST, YO

  4. 2000guitars says:

    hmmmmmmmmm

    dratted slow down cowboy message

    I would have gotten first.

    or is that cowboy massage?

  5. comacnut says:

    I guess it could be cowboy massage, if thats what you want it to say.

  6. Ace Deuce says:

    2000 Guitars,

    If you want first post next time, you gotta do what I did: phone it in.

  7. John Moltz says:

    Oh, my god, Ace Deuce is Avie Tevanian!

    And soylent green is made of people!

  8. Nxxx says:

    John,
    A three hour interpretative dance in three lousy lines? We want facts.
    Yesterday, nothing and now this.
    Unless you want to see CARS posters rioting in the streets, get it right.

  9. Hrunga Zmuda says:

    I hear his kernel goes Mach 7.

  10. bigtom says:

    top 10, again!

    Would have been higher but i was watching an exclusive, leaked video of the intepretive dance.

  11. GingerSex says:

    11th

    Beaver Hunt, that ryhmes with c…

  12. Switcher says:

    Excuse me but…

    Is Bertrand Serlet going to temporarly replace Avie ?

    Oh. Mon. Dieu.

  13. UhhhDude says:

    I’m phoning this post in. Too busy washing off the [TEXT REDACTED BY DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY] in Avie’s back seat [TEXT REDACTED BY DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY] sheets!

    (Wow. I just felt a draft. Anyone here feel it?)

  14. Huh? says:

    OURsourcing?!? You better take care of that before the Spell Czech gets here…

    Beaver Hunt…
    You crack me up.

    moo

  15. Buthidae says:

    “Noooooooo! JONNN-NY!!!!!”

  16. NWJR says:

    A little selective quoting tells the true story:

    THOR: Some have said that … you’re going on a beaver hunt.

    TEVANIAN: Yes…I have a whole crapload of money so…I’m going to do it in a really bitching car going about 120 miles an hour with a couple of naked girls.”

  17. Abe Lincolnlogski says:

    Thor, he’s so darn cool!

    We’ll miss you Avie …. wait a minute, is there an opening in the CARS staff???

  18. Hobbs says:

    AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE!AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE!
    AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE!AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE!
    AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE!AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE!
    AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE!AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE!
    AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE!AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE!
    AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE!AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE!
    AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE!AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE!
    AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE!AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE!
    AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE!AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE! AVIE!

  19. Burton. Jack Burton says:

    Well Avie, you know what old Jack Burton always sez at a time like this…

  20. John Moltz says:

    “What the hell.”

  21. Nate says:

    That might have been the funniest story I have read on here yet. Love the site. Keep it up.

  22. Small Paul says:

    I think it should be noted that the twin Japanese pearl divers were of unspecified gender.

  23. Zimbu the Monkey says:

    First post from where I am.

  24. derekm says:

    Sorry Small Paul, but Japanese pearl divers are assumed to be women… At least the traditional ones that do it in the buff.

    But don’t let that stop you from your erotic fantasies about Thor!

  25. fatbo says:

    twenty-fifth

  26. hungry beaver says:

    :::THOR: Some have said that Jon’s death angered you so much that you’re going on a beaver hunt.
    :::TEVANIAN: Um… actually that was something else they were talking about.

    That’s just too frickin hilarious!

  27. Werner Waimarana says:

    Just checking the time from my post’s timestamp.

  28. Werner Waimarana says:

    Oh, crap. I missed Bert Newton’s Family Feud again.

  29. I am having shot a beaver once who was gnawing on my undercarriage. I dropped the carcass over the English trenches, and they all ran away like little girls! Es macht viel spaß!

    Love,

    Manny.

  30. g0rdo says:

    30th this isnt real… 🙁

    bitches

  31. Gary says:

    Has anyone seen Avie? I have beem waiting for him.

  32. Chet MacGruder says:

    How did you know he drinks Jim Beam?

  33. TEVANIAN: Well, when I was younger

    … so much younger than today
    I never needed anybody’s help in any way
    but now those days are…

    sorry, I got nothin’

    ‘ecpt…

    LAST POST!!!!!1!!!11!!@!!~~!!!@2!@!!!!2

  34. paul walker says:

    hey guys what up and billy don’t worry your ok
    but don’t cry it’s cool to watch movies what is this place again i think i’m
    on the wrong well if you play runescape add me and well talk about stuff you need name:paul_racer323 talk to me

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