19 Apr 06Apple Issues Quarterly Report.

Apple’s net earnings jumped 41 percent and net income jumped from $290 million to $410 million last quarter. Predictably, however, it was the negatives that analysts chose to dwell on, despite the company’s gains.

While Apple beat revenues, analysts noted earnings were below forecast. Guidance was also below forecast as the company expected that the current quarter would be tepid as users waited for new Intel-based Macs to appear. Analysts were also reportedly put off by the continued appearance of an evil-looking goat.

“That’s just freaky,” said Daniel Niles of Lehman Brothers. “Freaking goat, man. What is that?

Further disappointing Wall Street, analysts noted that Apple’s OPS has dropped off dramatically as it has failed to make the adjustment to American League pitching and analysts sharply downgraded the firm’s PECOTA.

“Apple seems to have fallen out of its comfort zone since moving over from the National League,” said ESPN’s Jim Caple. “It’s swinging at pitches out of the zone and striking out more. If ever there was a candidate for watching more tapes of pitchers it’s Apple.

“Plus it needs to resolve some of those lawsuits. That whole thing can’t be good.”

In addition to Apple’s trouble at the plate, analysts noted that the company has:

  • Refused to clean its plate, despite having been served its favorite meal.
  • Attempted to parallel park by going in front-first.
  • Neglected to floss, even the night before a dentist appointment.
  • Persistently used the word “irregardless.”
  • Failed to fill out its TPS reports.

Apple declined to comment for this story, but shuffled its feet sullenly and shrugged its shoulders when asked if it was thought that was the best that it could do.

No Responses to “Apple Issues Quarterly Report.”

  1. shadowfax says:


    I don’t deserve this . . .

  2. John Moltz says:

    Oh, sure you do. You’re the fastest horse in Middle Earth.

  3. croikle says:

    Second! (ish?)

  4. peter says:

    fourthy fourthy fourthy fourthy

  5. Halal souvlaki says:


  6. Catfish says:


  7. Streetrabbit says:

    I loved that goat story, reading it again has got me all teary eyed.

    And that PECOTA stuff is worse than cricket…seriously.

  8. Zeb says:

    There’s nothing wrong or evil about that goat. He just needs a little loving and a good brushing.

    baa (5G of “moo”)

  9. Ace Deuce says:

    Goatpalooza! Two goatish articles in a row!

    I always believed goats should be the Red Guard of the Orwellian barnyard.

  10. Typo says:

    It’s important that analysts keep reminding the thousands of Mac users that no one really likes Apple and that they’re crappy second-rate computers that can’t even run a lot of cool computer games. No one actually uses Macs for real computing. There are just a few hold outs that don’t know any better and buy them for their shiny cases.

    And what’s with the one-button mouse? Sheesh!

  11. 2000guitars says:


    STARVE! there are children eating in america…

    ….I’m allowed tttto listen ttttto thethehte radio at a reasonable volume from the hours of 9 to 11 AM…

  12. Nxxx says:

    Although it was a British invention, what is baseball?

    All I know is that we have/had a soccer ground named The Baseball Ground, but how do you score if you can’t run between two wickets?

    What is Apple?

  13. Tom says:

    Apple are the Beatles record label of course.

  14. Tom says:

    Shadowfax isn’t just the fastest horse he’s also the father of all horses, which suggests he probably needs a lie down.

  15. GordonC says:

    Tom said: “Apple are the Beatles record label”

    So how come the Beatles don’t put their music in their iTunes Music Store?

    Is it because they don’t want to cause confusion with Beatles Computers Inc.?

  16. GordonC says:

    Maybe it would all be simpler for me to understand if they switched to a different chip-set and renamed their music player the MacPod Pro.

  17. The invisible evil goat choir says:


    (Doesn’t even look like a word anymore, does it?)

  18. Tom says:

    More of a flock than a word. I should say.

    Beatles Computers Inc.

    Don’t tempt them.

  19. Tom says:

    Or is it a herd?

  20. I think the goat showed up because we use the word “irregardless”.

    Also, I think that the new computers should be called the “BeatleBox.” And, of course, the “BeatleBox Pro.” And the midrange model, the “BeatleBox Poser.” That one will probably be sold to marketing types.

    That’s pretty much all I’m thinking about today.

  21. Buthidae says:

    OMG!! I can see the hidden picture in #17!!!

    Hint: It’s a goat

  22. jim says:

    -Persistently used the word “irregardless.”

    This was true at one time anyway. There was a NewtonScript API that had the word irregardless in the method name. Drove me nuts. Maybe that is why Steve Jobs killed the Newton, because irregardless isn’t a word.

    I could find out the API but that would require digging out my Newton documentation. And it is in the basement. Where it is probably moldy and crawling with spiders or something. So I’m not going to be doing that.

  23. g0rdo says:

    23rd ha


  24. GordonC says:

    Oooh. Beatlebox. Can I get one for my Volkswagen Beatle?

  25. Brent says:

    Big, Bad Beatlebox?

    Augh. Pardon me while I clean that thought from my brain. With bleach.

  26. Huh? says:

    This is all a plot to put me back in my place. After exalting my Pants™, John continues this series of goat articles.
    No cows.
    Not one….

    I mean, Del borrowed her for a while, but that’s it…
    I’ll just go stand in the corner.


  27. The goat says:

    Last post as usual. sigh.

  28. yoyo says:

    The goat isn’t evil; it is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything (well at least everything goaty).

  29. UhhhDude says:

    Does this mean that the sexbots are goat-powered? Or that Del’s roller pony is related to Shadowfax?

    (Also, how does one send or receive a Shadowfax?)

    Oh bollocks.

    (Never mind the bollocks! Here come the Goat Se{TEXT REDACTED BY DEPT. OF HOMELAND SECURITY}!

  30. Bartleby Scrivener says:

    Who says accounting is boring?

  31. yoyo says:

    I still don’t get it. How does one send or recieve a ShdowFax with ones bollocks?
    Oh, never mind the bollocks.

  32. The goat says:

    I said LAST POST. Do you want me to do the glowing eyes thing?

  33. Picker of Nits says:

    Post-LAST POST.

    Irregardless is a word. It’s just a kinda wrong word. Look it up in the dictionary widget.

  34. Tom says:

    It isn’t a word.

    Or it is.

    But it means not regardless. In other words, “Irregardless of the size of the goat, Apple make computers” means “Not regardless of the size of the goat, Apple make computers”

    So goats matter.

    Goaty bleat.

  35. John Moltz says:

    It shouldn’t be a word.

  36. I like the word “ascertain.”*

    Shadowfax is the LORD of all horses, not the fathzer. Fathzer, Austin Power’s Fathzer! And strangely enough, Apple *is* changing chipsets in the iPod. Go figure.

    Day 642: Ballmer is still ape-like.

    * You have to be a Kids in the Hall fan

  37. iBode says:

    That goat creeped me out.

  38. When we was making Goats ‘Ed Soup there were lots of them evil goats ‘anging ’round the studio.

    After Bill ‘ad ‘is evil way with ’em (if you know wot I mean) Keef would bang ’em over the ‘ed wiff his strat an’ Charlie fought it might be a good idea to make soup wiff ’em.

    Anyway one fing led to another an’ the soup was so good that that’s wot we decided to call the album. Originally it was going to be “We isn’t who we is, we’s someone totally different.” which was quite a clever name for an album back then.

  39. Ergo says:

    Hey Billy,
    I “delineated” that you were a Kids in the Hall fan without your footnote.

    Did the lawsuit kid supply the creepy goat?

  40. Ergo says:

    While were talking ipod chipsets (hows that for a segway?) is the gen6 ipod going to have a touchscreen, and if so, why?

  41. Ace Deuce says:

    Ergo, did you mean to write “segue?” Because you wouldn’t want Dean Kamen to sue you…

  42. I just didn’t want anyone confused that it might have been my own ascertaination.

    Oooh, de-lin-e-ate…


  43. starmax4ever says:

    Ah yes… an Evil goat
    Soon we’ll be attacking elephants with rocks and turning into cavemen.