20 Apr 06Inside Apple

Steve Jobs recently attended a Cupertino city council meeting to announce Apple’s plan to build a second campus. While the San Jose Mercury News provided a transcript of the meeting, several key passages were redacted for political purposes. Crazy Apple Rumors Site operatives have obtained the redacted passages and we provided them on this edition of… Inside Apple.


JOBS: Well, now that you’ve seen the plans for our campus and the four-mile long take-off ramp for the space ark, I’ll throw the floor open to any questions you might have.

COUNCIL MEMBER 1: Steve, is it true there’s going to be a water-flume ride and a gigantic cage that you’ll fill with mutants from the Forbidden Zone so you can watch them battle to the death for your amusement?

JOBS: That is… no. Absolutely not. I heard that that was reported on some rumor sites but that is categorically false. Let me say this in the strongest possible terms: there will be no water-flume ride. We’ve got enough lawsuits without putting our employees in that kind of danger.

COUNCIL MEMBER 1: What about the gigantic…

JOBS: Next question, please.

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: Steve, over the years there have been a lot of complaints from residents about weird goings on at the Apple campus… strange people coming and going… some of them Newton users…

COUNCIL MEMBER 3: Disgusting!

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: …loud jungle music… demon gods… goats… what have you. What assurances can you give us that adding a second Apple campus won’t just exacerbate the problem?

JOBS: Well, let’s not beat around the bush. It’s the midnight human sacrifices you’re talking about, right?

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: The… what?

COUNCIL MEMBER 3: Disgusting!

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: I had no idea…

JOBS: Uhhh… perhaps I’ve said too much. But to answer your question, this new campus will be surrounded by a 150-foot soundproof wall mounted with laser cannons and around that will be a moat filled with amphibious evil goats.

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: Amphibious…?

COUNCIL MEMBER 3: Disgusting!

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: Would you stop saying that?!

JOBS: Uh, yes, you in the back.

GIL AMELIO DIGUISED AS A CUPERTINO CITY COUNCIL MEMBER: Uh, yes, “Steve,” is it? Um, can you comment on rumors that, because you’ll now have two campuses, you’ll need two CEOs?

JOBS: Mmm, no. That’s not true. This won’t affect our executive team at all.

GIL AMELIO: Dammit. [He exits, tossing his disguise in the trash on his way out.]

JOBS: Well, I think that’s it. I’d like to thank you all for your attention and your support over the years and your willingness to allow us to harvest the brains of area residents as part of our new initiative to create Macs that think like humans!

COUNCIL MEMBER 1: Wedidwhatnow?

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: Wha-what?

COUNCIL MEMBER 3: Disgust… oh, dammit, I did it again.

EVIL LOOKING GOAT 1: Baaaaaaahhhhh

GUARD: Ooh. That’s creepy.

No Responses to “Inside Apple”

  1. Ace Deuce says:

    Jack
    Queen
    King
    Ace
    Deuce

    Damn straight!

  2. Ace Deuce says:

    Goats with gills!

    Moats with goats!

    Cloven hoofpalooza!

  3. Typo says:

    I’ve heard that the new Apple campus will be built to function as a giant antenna to amplify Steve’s reality distortion field.

  4. Simon "Chucklehead" Simpleton says:

    BBQ goatkebabs?

  5. Streetrabbit says:

    “we started Apple in my parents’ garage 30 years ago”

    To celebrate this, the new campus should be a giant garage with all the employees housed inside a giant volkswagon kombi. The kombi would be space flight capable and a team of space goatmen would operate the giant steering wheel. There would also be that giant dinosaur they’ve just found in Argentina.

    I’ve got detailed plans for such a campus if you could just put me in touch with Jobs.

  6. Nxxx says:

    Just seems like a normal day at home to me.

  7. Overclocked Lemon says:

    8th or 9th or something.

    Well, that explains why anyone would pay for housing in Cupertino… their brains are gone!

  8. 2000guitars says:

    redacted. heh heh. that’s a funny word, redacted

  9. Goatman says:

    Disgusting!

  10. Dear Mr Moltz,

    11th

    Yours etc.

    Murdo McMurdo.

    Wyse, Rubenstein, McMurdo,
    Solicitors and Attorneys.

  11. Tom says:

    An underwater goat with an aqualung?

  12. Nxxx says:

    Second thoughts.
    Didn’t Handel write a piece for the Invisible Evil Boys Choir that went,

    “We’re redacted, we’re redacted, we’re redacted, we’re redacted, we’re reeee-daaaaaaac-ted”.

  13. Streetrabbit says:

    Redacted Goat is the CARS phrase of the week.

  14. starmax4ever says:

    We all know what happened tro the last space ark.
    giant flies took over.

  15. Streetrabbit says:

    Dolly Sandoval is a big suckup.

  16. UhhhDude says:

    New campus? When did Apple become a university? Do they have a football team? If so, then that means cheerleaders! Yay!

    Which means I can return to college and [TEXT REDACTED BY DEPT. OF HOMELAND SECURITY] bus, and then take [TEXT REDACTED BY DEPT. OF HOMELAND SECURITY] raincoat! Hee-hee!

  17. Streetrabbit says:

    …in fact the entire Cupertino City Council seem to be bending over and spreading their cheeks. I wonder how Apple’s experience compares to the average Cupertino Joe who wants to add a second toilet to his bungalow?

  18. comacnut says:

    When speaking of Aqua-Goats is it necessary to include the phrase “evil”, I would think thats implied.

  19. Paul says:

    What exactly does a Cupertino CIty Council Member disguise look like? I need ideas for my Halloween costume – October is fast approaching.

  20. NWJR says:

    Is this the iGoat I read about over at LoopRumours?

    Those guys are always SO on top of things!

  21. Huh? says:

    Is ‘evil’ a phrase, or just a descriptor? My Pantsâ„¢ were curious.

    Anyway, I’m just curious to see how long John can carry this whole goat thing…

    ooom

  22. Anonymous says:

    Interesting, scientific article.

  23. tito says:

    You damn right!

  24. titoalert('I like Apple.'); says:

    I like Apple.

  25. Steve Jobs says:

    Hey, Cupertino Joe,

    When your toilet begins to produce tax revenue similar to what Apple disgorges to the community every year, then you can talk about fairness.

    ‘Til then, keep using your old crapper.

    Steveness

  26. Not to be left completely goat-free, we did have a goat scare up here in Redmond. Turns out it was just Joan Rivers touring the virus-laden house of the future.

    Boom, boom, every one a Maserati!

  27. Hey, Steve, what’s new? Really, got any new products coming up that you’d like us to port Office to?

    My dream campus would be a quad-level super-campus, the top level (3) is a airfield capable of landing a G3 and several helicopters on. Level (2) is regular R&D with a strip-club, arcade and go-cart racing track. Level (1) cubes for the n00Bs and the Mac division and some fake offices for monkey-man and myself, with a bat-pole to the “Secret Underground Lair” level (-1) which houses the *real* MS work area. That would be our Vista II labs and the room where we tear apart iMacs to extract their souls and use them in the manufacturing of Xbox 360s.

    Harvest the brains of area residents, eh? Hmmm, that gives me an idea too. First time for everything, eh Steveness? 😉 Gotta run and call the Redmond City Council…

  28. g0rdo says:

    29th FUCKING NYIHIBA!!!

    bitchez

  29. Fernardo says:

    GOATS ON A PLANE!!

  30. LimeyBloke, in an English accent says:

    I take a small break from posting and this is the quality of commentary I return to?

    I mean, goats . . . ?

    Dwarfs in Tutus OK , but evil goats?

    Chickens are far more evil than goats.

    Errrrrrr. Forget what I said about the commentary. I seem to be aflicted also.

    Niiiiieee!!!!!

  31. Goat says:

    I know I’m a goat and all but lets face it, there are some of us who are truly evilllllll. In fact, I’d like to take this opportunity to say we should all support cows. Thats right, our cloven hoofed brethren who’s sacrifices allow the human race to get fat on their carcasses and guzzle the contents of their udders.
    Thank you!
    mo…, ahem, err, uh, I mean, baa
    [Huh? removes his goat costume and exits the podium with his pants intact]

  32. The Invisible Evil Boy's Choir says:

    FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME!
    FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME!
    FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME!
    FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME! FLUME!

  33. The Completely Visible Evil Goat's Choir says:

    BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA!
    BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA!
    BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA!
    BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA! BAA!

  34. Well Greaved Achean says:

    I have to say that I found Mr. Job’s comments both . . . wait! Did he say “there will be no water-flume ride”?

    I’m outraged!

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