18 Apr 06One Person Left Who Hasn't Sued Apple.

With the advent of Burst.com’s lawsuit against Apple, demographers now say that nearly every person in the world is in one way or another a litigant against Apple.

Dr. Neil Sawin of the University of Washington said “So many people are now direct litigants against Apple, but many more are involved in class action suits or are shareholders or employees of companies suing Apple for trademark or copyright violations.”

Sawin’s team of researchers has found one individual out of the world’s 6.5 billion people who is not in any way part of a lawsuit against Apple.

“He holds no patents, owns no Apple products and has not entered into a previous binding contract with Apple related to the use of copyrighted logos of trade names,” Sawin said.

Nuagobe Machungo, an 11-year-old goat herder from Mozamibique, was surprised to hear of his unique status.

Speaking through a translator, Machungo, clearly surprised at his sudden notoriety, said “I am but a simple goat herder. I do not mean anyone any harm.

“I sleep in the hills with my flock,” he added, pointing to the hills as if for emphasis.

Disturbingly for Apple, however, Machungo indicated that he was thinking of selling one of his goats to buy an iPod shuffle so he could listen to the Red Hot Chili Peppers during the long periods of time he is roaming the hills with the herd, looking for grazing pastures.

“I like the song ‘Californication’,” Machungo said, smiling broadly. “Although I do not understand what it means.”

Apple declined to comment for this story, but sources inside the company indicate that CEO Steve Jobs is considering giving Machungo a complimentary iPod shuffle in order to stay on his good side.

No Responses to “One Person Left Who Hasn't Sued Apple.”

  1. Zeb says:

    Firstest!!!!

  2. Ace Deuce says:

    Since today’s article is about lawsuits, I decided not to post first or second. Next time, perhaps.

    Besides, I’ve been doing that way too much lately. I thought, “Give Zeb a chance for glory.”

    So that’s what I’m doing. Have fun, everybody!

  3. Zeb says:

    Hey that kid’s got my goat there!!!! He’s going DOWN!!!

  4. Zeb says:

    Ace ya ain’t givin me nuttin! I EARNED IT DAMN YOU! It’s ALL MINE!!! [gnashing teeth]

  5. Ace Deuce says:

    Actually, Zeb, SCO holds three patents on first posting, so you can expect to hear from their legal reps soon, unless you bought a license like the rest of us.

  6. Jebus says:

    HEY!!! I think I’ve found another person who has absolutely nothing against Apple! That guy over there…

    Wait, no, he was just hit by a Fed-Ex truck carrying a lone Refurbished iPod Shuffle in it’s cargo…

    No. 5 biatches!!!!!

  7. Jebus says:

    NOES!!! MUSTN’T BE 6! 6 is so LAME!

    But I gots me 7!

  8. Bandar the Invinsible says:

    You know, there’s a goat hearder in all of us, wanting to have the peace of isolation, and the smell of the flock thick in out nostrils as we solve the puzzle of getting that last goat over the barrel for slaughter…

  9. jobo da hobo says:

    who is the patent holder on nine?

  10. iBode says:

    But if young Nuagobe Machungo is given an iPod shuffle, won’t he be entitled to be part of that class action lawsuit?
    You know, the one where Apple is getting sued because the shuffles don’t have displays.

  11. iBode says:

    I’ll risk legal reprisal by taking 11!!!

  12. Jimmy Crack Corn says:

    One of history’s great lines: “I am but a simple goatherder.”

  13. Nxxx says:

    It certainly has more pizzazz than “I am but a simple rumor site author.”

  14. Dear Mr Moltz,

    As the recently appointed legal representatives of Master Machungo we must ask that to cease and desist immediately and henceforth make no mention of our client in your satirical ramblings.

    We also ask that you surrender materials in your possession relating to Master Machungo such as photographs, video footage, goat cheese etc.

    Yours etc.

    Murdo McMurdo.

    Wyse, Rubenstein, McMurdo,
    Solicitors and Attorneys.

  15. Tom says:

    “Nibble”

    “Nibble”

    said the goat

  16. Del says:

    “Moo”

    “Moo”

    said the Cow.

    “OMG how do I stop this thing! AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

    Said the person riding the Roller Pony down a steep hill.

  17. Slowpoke says:

    correct me if i’m wrong, but if that’s Nuagobe Machungo of Luplup Mozambique then he is involved in a lawsuit agaist apple. He claims that Apples iTMS clearly violates his own patent on ‘moving something from one place to another, mainly goats’.

    The use of the word ‘mainly’ in the patent definition leaves Apple open to litigation because to slightly deaf person, if someone mumbles the word ‘mainly’ then it sometimes sounds like ‘mmmnlumly’. In this case. Nuagobe Machungos lawyer is trying to prove that because ‘mmmnlumly’ isn’t actually a real word(yet), it could easily be defined as ‘act of downloading music through a service that might be called iTunes Music Store provided exclusively by a computer manufacturer called Apple.” It’s a stong case and in my humble opinion, Apple is fucked!

  18. g0rdo says:

    18th yeahhaaha

    bitchez

  19. Huh? says:

    Mmmmm…. Fresh goat.
    Tastes like chicken, only different.

    My Pants™ would like to thank you all for your attention.

    (psst… Del- I need the cow back, now)

  20. Abe Lincolnlogski says:

    Shouldn’t they be “No-class” action law suits, because it’s just a bunch of losers that complain a lot and then win the case, get a payment of $1.14 each, make the laywers millionaires and kill the company that makes the cool shit that they bought in the first place. Unless the company is evil, like Microsoft, then it’s OK.

  21. Del says:

    Fine Huh, your cow is in the Giga-Post. You can pick it up at any time. Thanks for letting me borrow her.

  22. starmax4ever says:

    I think we should file a suit against apple for not providing ipods to animals.
    I think the case would be very “MOOO”ving

  23. […] The last guy in the world not suing Apple   […]

  24. I am suing Apple because I am listening to my iPod while Roy Brown has slipped behind me and shot me down over the Ardennes.

    Love,

    Manny (deceased, 1918)

  25. The Invisible Evil Boys' Attorney says:

    SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE!
    SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE!
    SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE!
    SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE! SUE!

  26. Sue says:

    Yes, did you want something?

  27. Abe Lincolnlogski Said:
    “Unless the company is evil, like Microsoft, then it’s OK.”

    Hey, that hurts my billionaire feelings! I don’t think of us as evil, I like to think of us as a necessary shitty-thing. We’re the guys who make the software that virus writers pay more attention to. Like a big pile of crap that keeps the flys off your bar-B-que in the summertime!

    Funny Moltz should mention Nuagobe Machungo. He’s trying to sue MS in relation to some goat-hurding software patent that we stole, I mean borrowed, what? I mean we never saw that stuff at all and have no knowledge of goat hurding applications and a software suite called Goat-SE, which can monitor flocks of goats as well as make predictions on milk/cheese production, viable meat content vs. eaten tin cans and Cashmere fiber volume statistics. Never heard of that.

    New for 2007 Cashmere fiber linings on all Microsoft retail boxed products!

    Can I talk to you about alternative fuels? Seriously.

    Oh, and President Hu Jintao says to say “Hi to wacky CARS staff! Look out for beaver! Ha ha!” He also said that China is serious about protecting intellectual property rights, and then he asked if he could get a copy of Vista and some blank DVDs. Hmmm? Where did he go to now? Shit. Gotta run!

  28. Step says:

    blarking toof malls

    this is in no way related to anything

  29. Well, crap, at least is was just a beta.

    Anyway, finally during the tour President Hu Jintao remarked that “You are a *very* clever man, Mr. Gates. To have a trained ape to take role of CEO of world’s largest software company is one of the most amazing feats I have witnessed!” Luckily Ballmer had just walked into the data center and did not hear the translator. Before lunch I grabbed a bunch of bananas at the cafeteria and pointed to Steve, President Hu Jintao and our entourages totally lost it and The President blew tea out his nostrils!

  30. DrG says:

    LOL @ MyPants™
    Are you going to go after Letterman’s production company now?
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Worldwide_Pants_Incorporated

  31. f’get da mouthpiece…da equalizer gonna fix dem muthas.

    kno am sayin.

    peace.

  32. yoyo says:

    “as if for emphasis” what is being implied here?

  33. yoyo says:

    Also, why does everybody hate me? And are these two things related? It makes you think.

  34. Psyko says:

    I want to find the jerk that is suing Apple in my name. I personally would NEVER do such a thing.

    You better pray I don’t find you, whoever you are, because I will RIP YOU TO SHREDS.

    MARK

  35. The iPod is boring already says:

    Dear silly over enthusiastic Apple users,

    An iPod is not built for the rugged wilds of Africa.

    Here is link to a real working iPod with the a year long battery,

    http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2005/african-ipod-p1.php

    It plays real African music not owned by Apple or any other Coke sniffing, loud mouthed, whisky swilling record company rip off.

    Go an invent something more useful Apple.

    Signed
    Apple Reseller

    p.s I did not increase my profits by 41% this last quarter, unlike Apple.

  36. Argh!! says:

    Latest person to comment on this article!

    Don’t jump on the conformity bandwagon, Machungo, the world doesn’t need anymore of those simple-minded beings.

    Wait…

    I just offended my own mind.

    Awww.

    At least I’m the same as everyone else, so I won’t get laughed at. That would be horrible.

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