25 Apr 06New iPod Sr. VP Now Bucking For Floor Marshal.

Sources indiate that Senior Vice President of the iPod division Tony Fadell is hoping to turn Apple’s decision to build a second Cupertino campus to his advantage. If and when the iPod division moves into new digs, Fadell has requested he be designated a floor safety marshal for whatever floor his office is on.

Apple’s floor safety marshals are charged with directing other employees to exits in the event of a fire, earthquake or attack by killer robots.

“There are only eight floor marshals per floor,” Fadell said. “So, it’s a pretty coveted position. It looks really good on a resumé which is why I’ve made becoming a floor marshal part of my personal development plan.

“It’s a big responsibility, but sometimes you’ve just got to go for it.”

But Fadell’s unbridled ambition has raised the hackles of other Apple executives.

“Tony’s way out of line here,” said Chief Financial Officer Peter Oppenheimer. “He hadn’t been a senior vice president five minutes before he started bucking for floor marshal. There are others who have been waiting a lot longer to become floor marshals. People who’ve already taken the fire safety class, who know CPR and who – even though it’s not required – brought in their own flash lights.

Pulling out brand new 6 D-cell Maglite, Oppenheimer added “The ones they give you in the floor marshall kit are really crappy.

“And, yes, I’m talking about me. But I think Phil [Schiller]’s also taken the fire safety class.”

CEO Steve Jobs has so far chosen to stay on the sidelines of this particular power struggle as he is already reportedly embroiled in an argument between Senior Vice President of Industrial Design Jonathan Ive and Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson over items purchased from the vending machine.

Look for our three-part series entitled “If A Snickers Doesn’t Fall But Then Is Knocked Down By A Baby Ruth, Who Owns The Snickers?”

No Responses to “New iPod Sr. VP Now Bucking For Floor Marshal.”

  1. Carl says:

    Another product placement sellout by CARS. Tsk, tsk. Would you sell your soul, just for some batteries?

    Because if you don’t, I’m down. Hit me up folk with extra batteries!

  2. MCJE says:

    Fourth! The widget works! Almost!

    Ah, floor marshal. Who doesn’t want co-workers jumping over one’s charred corpse to safety?

  3. croikle says:

    Steve owns it, obviously. It’s a side effect of the Reality Distortion Field.

  4. Ace Deuce says:

    I believe that using a vending machine is a form of gambling, so the person who most recently made his or her bet, I mean, put money in, should get the resultant jackpot, if any.

    I wager six.

  5. Nxxx says:

    Bags I toilet attendant.

  6. Bill Gates says:

    microsoft is beter then yall.

  7. Huh? says:

    Vending machines are fun.

    Especially when they malfunction and dump everything.

    Dump.
    Hmmm….

    I need to go check on my Pants™.

    moo

  8. Huh? says:

    I’ll take 11 tonight.

    Thanks.

    moooo

  9. Huck says:

    Damn, first post that’s angry about missing 11.

  10. starwxrwx says:

    All our fire marshalls come from computer support or the workshop – anything to get out of working!!!

  11. jimothy says:

    A 6-D Cell Maglite is less of an illumination device than it is a weapon–perfect for maintaining order during a robot invasion.

    Oh, and Ron, give Jon his damn Snickers.

  12. crazy apple poster says:

    crazy

  13. Spell Czech says:

    It’s “marshal.” One “l.” Marshal Dillon would not be pleased.

  14. NWJR says:

    “If A Snickers Doesn’t Fall But Then Is Knocked Down By A Baby Ruth, Who Owns The Snickers?”

    That’s easy. Mr. Goodbar.

  15. Jonathan Ive, Hall Monitor says:

    Hey! You!

    Yeah, you!

    You got a hall pass? Are you even supposed to be over here?

    I’m telling Principal Steve. You’re in BIG trouble now, Ballmer!

  16. Paul says:

    So… how ’bout them 17″ intelbooks?

  17. Buthidae says:

    John, that’s easy! Obviously it would be the property of the second purchaser’s, the one who bought the Baby Ruth, as the Snickers purchaser would have given up all attempts to claim said non-fallen bar. That of course does not apply if the first person was shoved away before he had _finished_ his attempt, in which case the second should rescind both the Snickers _and_ half of his chosen confection, as penalty for being such so bloody pushy.

    Johnson, stop being so bloody pushy!

    heh… Johnson.

  18. won says:

    This is the office of won, returning a call from jurgen. We’re out of office right now, but if you leave your name, number and a brief message, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re ready.

  19. Jon says:

    Snickers Marathon bars. The preeminent unhealthy health food.

  20. comacnut says:

    The Snickers belongs to the goat. Its kind of a sacrifice to keep the evil goats from eating Steves lunch (it’s in the contract).

  21. “If A Snickers Doesn’t Fall But Then Is Knocked Down By A Baby Ruth, Who Owns The Snickers?”

    Clearly the answer is, if the person who *would* have gotten the Snickers is still there to claim it, they get it, if not, to the victor (Baby Ruth guy) goes the spoils (the Snickers bar, but not really spoiled, that’s not really very applicable in this inference).

    “microsoft is beter then yall.” — “Bill” Gates

    WTF?! I’m away for a couple of days and my fake moniker gets nabed. I’d say, think of something original, but then who am I to complain. 🙂 I wouldn’t have be able to ripoff the idea for Windows 1.0 if I had that attitude back in 84. 😉 And, it’s “Microsoft is better than you all.” I need to get better clones with higher billionaire gene counts.

  22. Del says:

    I’m CARS Floor / Post Marshal

  23. Werner Waimarana says:

    Time, please.

  24. Mpls Guy says:

    What if the snickers guy left a sticky note on the machine for a refund from the filler-up guy? Does that constitute a right to said snickers bar?

  25. g0rdo says:

    28th 🙂

    bitchez

  26. Michael Dell says:

    I’m a loser, and my company sucks and stuff.

  27. Michael Dell says:

    oh, and by the way

    I have killed “g0rdo” with a knife, i will be taking his place

    im sory

    g0rdo was a fine man…

    always proud of his comment even if it was the last one ever left…
    and always treating us like “bitchez”

    so heres a song in honor of him…

    yo yo bitch
    wanna play nintendo 64
    oh your too rich
    you’ve got a xbox 360 from MicroSORE!!

    yo a cool chain
    hanging on mah neck
    oh shit tha pain,
    I make better songs than BECK!!

    yo heres tha muthafuckin conclusion…
    mustard on a bun
    I’ve got the underlying transufion…
    Thats how i roll, SON!!

    Findrizzle
    Dashbizzle
    Mizzle
    Safarizzle
    iChizzle
    Address Bizzle
    iTizzle
    iPhizzle
    iMizzle
    iDVDizzle
    Garagebizzle
    iWizzle
    iCizzle
    Automatizzle
    Quicktizzle
    System Preferencizzle
    Trizzle

    Fo shizzle

    PS,

    which one of yall indian bitchez wants to suck my pinta?

  28. Michael Dell says:

    im going to repost that since yall wasnt payin attention

  29. Buthidae says:

    “What if the snickers guy left a sticky note on the machine for a refund from the filler-up guy? Does that constitute a right to said snickers bar?”

    No way! You abandon the machine you abandon your treat! The best option would be to camp next to the vending machine and request the assistance of the next user. It is customary to offer 1/4 of the confection as a token of gratitude. Failure to do so fully entitles the second user to summarily execute the first.

  30. The Invisible Evil Boy's Crowded Theater Choir says:

    FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
    FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
    FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
    FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!

  31. sardinia says:

    luogo grande:) nessun osservazioni!

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