26 Apr 0617-Inch MacBook Pro Still Stupid Big.

Disturbing reports are coming in from Apple customers who have just purchased the recently released 17-inch MacBook Pro. According to these sources, the new laptop is just as stupid big as the 17-inch PowerBook it’s replacing.

“Apple simply has not corrected the overt stupid bigness of the 17-inch form factor, said Macworld magazine editor Jason Snell. “These laptops are so big as to be effectively unusable. It’s like someone threw up aluminum all over your desk. It’s ridiculous.”

Some sources had indicated that Apple was working on a technology that would have obviated the need to obey the Pythagorean theorem, allowing the company to pack a 17-inch diagonal screen into a 7 X 9-inch laptop on the MacBook Pro line. Apparently, that technology has not come to fruition.

“It’s troublesome that Apple let its customers down like this,” said former San Jose Mercury News columnist and noted Mac user Dan Gillmor. “We expect more from Apple than whining about the laws of mathematics.

“As it is, only the people who currently own 17-inch PowerBooks are going to want to use the 17-inch MacBook Pro,” said Gillmor. “And, sure, the people who were specifically waiting for Intel-based 17-inch Mac laptops. And maybe a couple of hundred thousand other people.

“But, for those of you who haven’t had a chance to lay hands on one of these things, let me just tell you, it is some kinda stupid big.”

According to sources, the 17-inch MacBook Pro is so stupid big that it can be easily bent by putting one end into a pair of vice grips and pulling very hard on the other end.

“I bet you can’t do that with a 12-inch iBook,” Snell said.

“Mostly because it’s plastic and it’d probably just snap like a stale cracker. But, still, shouldn’t we as Mac users be able to put our laptops into vice grips and attempt to bend them to no avail?

“I dunno. Maybe it’s just me.”

Apple failed to return numerous inquiries asking why the 17-inch MacBook Pro is so stupid big.

No Responses to “17-Inch MacBook Pro Still Stupid Big.”

  1. T "capital T" om says:

    First again


  2. Computer Idiot says:


  3. Computer Idiot says:


  4. John Moltz says:

    Hey, what the fuck time stamp is that? It’s 9:09. Is that Alaska time? And I *just* noticed this?

  5. John Moltz says:

    Let’s try that again.

  6. John Moltz says:

    That’s better. We now return you to your normally scheduled comment thread already in progress.

  7. tom says:

    oops.. i forgot i was the t “lowercase t” guy… oh crap. yes, you seem to be 4 hours behind instead of the usual tonight mr moltz

  8. Ace Deuce says:

    Wow John, it took you an hour to catch up to that stupid big time stamp error.

    Actually, that’s pretty good turnaround. I’m still waiting for them to adjust Stonehenge for Daylight Saving Time.

  9. Carl says:

    I’m still holding out for a 12″ MacBook that fits in your back pocket.

  10. Where’s the damn tesseract interface?
    The Entity PROMISED.

    Just can’t trust the aliens, can you?

  11. jobo da hobo says:


  12. whom says:

    I checked CARS for this? Stupid big? Meh…

    There’s more exciting news out there… like the new water temperature logger by Onset Computer Corp (lovely name). Analyzes information at depths up to 400 feet! 400 feet! Do you realize what that means? And USB 2.0! Woo woo!

    Now THAT’s newsworthy! NEWS WORTHY!

  13. Huh? says:

    It’s almost larger than stupid big.

    Funny thing is, it’s just as big as my 2003 model 17″ PB.

    Still won’t fit in my Pants™


  14. Ergo says:

    I read ” A Wrinkle in Time” in the 5th grade. That was 31 years ago!
    Damn I’m old.
    17 Inch MacBookPro
    Not stupid big!
    Just inconceivably difficult to one handedly jostle while downloading special images late in the night.
    “What’s that dear, oh nothing, nothing,… I’m just looking at… medical stuff…um,… for my big presentation tomorrow…no I don’t mind if you loo… Oh! the battery just went dead, can you believe that?!”
    I’m too old for this.

  15. Typo says:

    Man, Apple’s gonna have a rough time with all their faulty products.

    Their 17″ laptop is way too big (17 inches)

    Their video iPod, despite the ability to play videos, isn’t actually a true video iPod

    Their iPod Hi-Fi is so poor that even people who have never paid $30 for a stereo and haven’t even heard the Hi-Fi can tell that the sound quality sucks and that it isn’t worth the money by a long shot.

    Plus their free, beta release of Boot Camp that they market toward tech savy users isn’t even easy enough for the technologically illiterate to use and can sometimes cause problems.

    Boy they are just not on the ball right now

  16. Hrunga Zmuda says:

    Stupid big? What’s really bothersome is that stupid PEOPLE can use them! That should be against the law!

  17. arjaan says:

    hmm, why is my post at nr 17 not displaying? Does it has something to do with 17? Is it unsuitable for displaying?

  18. Nxxx says:

    I’m working on a toughened steel case so that 17 inch MacBook Pros can be safely clamped in a vice and sledge-hammered.

    Anyone know a supplier of transparent steel?

  19. GordonC says:

    You can get transparent steel doors here…


    Hope that helps.

  20. Bill Gates says:

    apple made me cry today.

  21. Spell Czech says:

    It’s a vise grip.

    I don’t know what a “vice” grip is for. Maybe for grabbing bad habits or something.

    And that’s two days in a row, Moltzie.

  22. Streetrabbit says:

    I always find looking at big things through wrong way round binoculars makes them look small….if that’s any help.

  23. NWJR says:

    I have a 17″ PowerBook. I showed it to my girlfriend and she said it wasn’t that big.

    But she always says that anyway.

  24. Nxxx says:

    Spell Czech,

    The Concise Oxford Dictionary: vice an instrument, esp. attached to a workbench, with two movable jaws between which an object may be clamped…………
    Now I believe Oxford is in England, and the OED is the greatest and best source of English words, so although Welsh, I take most of my English spelling from the direct descendants of Samuel Johnson.

    vise: US var. of VICE

  25. Tom says:

    Sadly it is vise. That’s one to add to my list of words I didn’t know existed.

  26. Tom says:

    The Dashboard Dictionary is both the best and the worst thing about Tiger.

  27. Spell Czech says:

    Agreed Nxxx. But Moltz is in America, over in that rainy wet section where guys wear flannel in the summer and where Bill Gates lives. Hence the use of the word “vise.”

  28. Actually it’s Vise-Grip, a registered trademark of IRWIN Industrial Tool Company. The Google search field is both the best and the worst thing about Safari.

  29. Walking Contradiction says:

    Yeah, so it’s stupid big. Maybe I’m stupid too, maybe “stupid big” is perfect for me. Consider it would be replacing a standard PC, which has a “stupid big” box connected to a stupid big keyboard and a stupid big mouse and a stupid small monitor.

    The 17″ MBP is stupid big, but still smaller than the stupid big junk my stupid brain has been using for a while.

    Problem is they haven’t made it water proof yet. Cute, so what happens when I spend my nights drooling all over this stupid big laptop? Think I can miss something this stupid big???

    When they make it water proof, I’m so there. Until then, I just have to wait until my stupid big PC takes a stupid big dump.

  30. Abe Lincolnlogski says:

    That clears up the whole “Miami Vice” confusion that I’ve lived with all these years.

  31. GordonC says:

    You could put it in a stupid big plastic bag.

    A squid eating dough in a polyethylene bag is fast and bulbous.
                                                                            (Captain Beefheart)

  32. Evil Boys Choir says:

    stupid big stupid big stupid big stupid big stupid big stupid big stupid big stupid big stupid big stupid big stupid big stupid big stupid big stupid big stupid big stupid big

    Vise-grip Vise-grip Vise-grip Vise-grip Vise-grip Vise-grip Vise-grip Vise-grip Vise-grip Vise-grip Vise-grip Vise-grip

  33. Michael Dell says:

    I have killed “g0rdo” with a knife, i will be taking his place
    im sory
    g0rdo was a fine man…
    always proud of his comment even if it was the last one ever left…
    and always treating us like “bitchez”
    so heres a song in honor of him…
    yo yo bitch
    wanna play nintendo 64
    oh your too rich
    you’ve got a xbox 360 from MicroSORE!!
    yo a cool chain
    hanging on mah neck
    oh shit tha pain,
    I make better songs than BECK!!
    yo heres tha muthafuckin conclusion…
    mustard on a bun
    I’ve got the underlying transufion…
    Thats how i roll, SON!!
    Address Bizzle
    System Preferencizzle
    Fo shizzle
    which one of yall indian bitchez wants to suck my pinta?

  34. Ben says:

    What it must be like to write a column that writes itself . . . *sigh*

    “Everyone wants a MacBook Pro because they are so bitchin’,” Jobs said.

  35. Jebus says:

    The 17 incher may be stupid big, but my 12 incher is stupid small. Yeah, bet you weren’t expecting that one.

    By the way, care to provide me with an explanation to the Apple Store on why I’m trying to return an iBook that’s been snapped in half. And YES, it was just like a stale cracker. I just expected it would hold up, but hey, I guess my model doesn’t come with the invincibility polymer coating, or something like that…

    Now, I’ll show you something else that’s stupid big…

  36. Big Ben says:

    Hey, you know, lots of things are stupid big. like frickin’ Canada. and the Earth. yeah. The Earth just needs to get stupid normal-sized. and not stupid biggie-sized.

  37. Werner Waimarana says:


  38. Werner Waimarana says:

    Speaking of stupid big, how stupid big is the Great Wall of China, really? Can you actually see it from the moon? I mean it’s long and all, but from the moon wouldn’t it be too SKINNY to be seen? I always wondered about that. Anyone? Anyone been to the moon lately? Hmm?

    Now, frickin’ Canada. Frickin’ Canada’s a different kettle of fish. Entirely.

  39. Hrunga Zmuda says:

    Canada? I can see that from the moon. Right now I can. Yep, I’m on the moon.

    Oh wait, the correct phrase is “shooting” the moon.

    Whone ‘nuther thing, I suppose.

    Well, back to watching American Inventor….now that’s a bunch of space cadets! (The producers, not the contenstants. They’re just stupid big).

  40. pc says:

    dell rocks! buy a DELL PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  41. penny says:

    One thing about Apple they read all this stuff and come thru.

    Yhis senior needs something big so to see it and keep her lap

    warm at the same time.

    When the 15in came out I said make a 17 in with the 8x superdrive and I will buy it, ordered the Pro the day it came out. I am a Happy Camper Thank you Apple I am also 75 and a
    26 year user of PC’s, this is the switch I get it all in one.

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  44. Marsig says:

    You are all a bunch of poofs get a 17inch macbook pro they are great. Only poofs with PCs would tell you something else.

  45. Smarterthnu says:

    Oh My God, You must be an idiot to think Dell Rocks!!!!
    I got one years ago, and it crashed every two minutes!

    ALSO: The MacBook Pro is NOT stupid big!
    It is only 17 inches, and is High Definition!

    People are always like “Bigger is Better!” “High Def is AWESOME!” and want Stupid Big TVs and Stupid Big Houses, but 17 inches is NOT STUPID BIG!!!!!!!!!!!!!