27 Apr 06Steve Jobs Fires Someone In His Sleep.

According to sources in Apple’s product marketing division, analyst Hugh Kogan has received the most unusual honor of having been fired by a sleeping CEO Steve Jobs.

Kogan claims that as both he and Jobs slept on Tuesday night, their dreams crossed over and Jobs conducted his firing transcendentally.

“It was wild, Kogan said. “Steve was in my dream and I was in Steve’s dream. We were in Grand Central Station, which is kind of funny because I’ve never been there… hmm… But maybe Steve has…

“Anyway, he beckoned to me from across the empty, cavernous main hall and as I approached him I noticed he had white earbuds in his ears. The other end of them was plugged into a block of cheddar cheese Steve was holding in his outstretched palms. I could hear Deep Purple’s Smoke On The Water playing.

“That’s when he fired me.”

Since it was still just a dream, Kogan was uncertain whether or not the firing was also in effect on this plane of existence. The next day he stuck his head into Jobs’ office to confirm.

“Am I…?” Kogan began to ask.

“Totally,” Jobs replied, cutting him off without looking up from the plans for the 21-inch tablet device and media center that will run on OS X “lite”.

“And for the record,” Jobs continued, “that was muenster and it was Iron Butterfly’s In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.”

Suddenly, Yoda appeared in a corner of Jobs’ office, looked at Kogan disapprovingly and said “That… is why you fail.”

“Wha…?” said a startled Kogan. “Oh, hey, this is a dream again!”

Looking up, Jobs said “What? Oh. No. That’s an animatronic Yoda George Lucas gave me. It says that all the time. You’re still fired.”

“Oh,” a disappointed Kogan said.

Kogan’s resumé is on line for prospective employers without astral projection powers.

No Responses to “Steve Jobs Fires Someone In His Sleep.”

  1. MCJE says:

    First! BWAHAHAHA!

  2. Ace Raider says:


  3. Nxxx says:

    Other things have happened in my sleep, but never get hot enough for fire.

  4. Ace Deuce says:

    Hey, there’s another Ace in the neighborhood!

    Anyway, my dream was that I was hired by Steve Jobs (instead of earbuds, it was popcorn in his ears). That one turned out not to be true.

  5. appletweak says:

    After a long hiatus, I return to claim fifth (or sixth or whatever).

  6. stridey says:

    /me would rather die than use Mac OS X Lite

  7. croikle says:

    6. But is this all a dream? Steve Jobs writes CARS in his sleep, you know…

  8. croikle says:

    Ok, 7, whatever. I still maintain that I’m asleep right now.

  9. Bill Gates says:

    Ha Ha, i am bill gates and you are not

  10. Werner Waimarana says:

    Cue: boring undergraduate consciousness/perception discussion.

  11. Ace Raider says:

    I’m in the seedy part of town.

    Pretty close to where Moltz lives I think…

  12. Werner Waimarana says:

    9.: But are you an animatronic Bill Gates that I’m not?

    See? Consciousness, perception, boring, it’s all there!

    BTW, sorry for sounding so jaded and cynical earlier. I long for those optimistic salad days when there was still a chance my flunking psych 101 was just a figment of my imagination.

  13. sparky says:

    I guess Kogan was on the Aperture team…

  14. See, John, that is why I can’t ever sleep… I wouldn’t want to get fired!

    My hallucinations are telling me to sign off now.

  15. Bill Gates says:

    12: yes and no and maybe.

  16. Tom says:

    Now, that I realise that Jobs did actually say “Everyone wants a MacBook Pro because they are so bitchin'”.

    It is clear that either he reads CARs or (more likely) Moltz and Jobs are the same person.

    Have you ever seen them together. [have you ever seen them?]

  17. Fat Tony says:

    First of all the white earbuds. Am I the only one to notice that the insanely bad 1980’s movie “Youngblood” was the first to show white headphones?? Second, Keanu and Steve are known to be good friends. Thirdly, note the hockey connection with Schiller. Could “Youngblood” be Jobs’ favorite movie. I submit that it is.

  18. silta says:

    I loved this rumor…

  19. UhhhDude says:

    Well, I slept through all that.

    Then, I went to my final exam in my underwear and everybody laughed at me. It got even worse when I realized that it wasn’t a dream.

    Good thing I don’t wear tighty-whities.

  20. peter says:

    dude, I’m 21, can I have a drink now?!?

    best. CARS. ever.


  21. iFan Blows says:

    I think a nice provalone would have gone better with Iron Butterfly, but still would have not set the mood for an astral-downsizing.

    Jobs should consider a traditional Queso campesino with the accompaniment of Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb”. Scrumtralescent!

  22. NWJR says:

    Fired, you are. Compensation package, you will not receive. Leave my office now, you must.

  23. Buthidae says:

    Holy shit, I think I’m going to die laughing! :-/

    My boss is also of the transcendentral persuasion and I believe he does excercise his powers quite regularly. However, through a gap in cosmic forces I have never been able to actually meet him, so perhaps he can’t astrally adapt my brainwaves yet.

  24. Huh? says:

    Nobody visits me while I sleep.

    But then again, nobody visits me when I’m awake either.

    I need to go check with my Pants™ about this.


  25. HA! Classic CARS.

    I once fired a man, just for snoring.

    I also once fired a guy on the toilet. Well, I was on it, he was not. Just thought I should mention that. Seems kinda mean to can a guy on the can and all. But the way I did it; pure billionaire genius!

  26. CTHULHU says:



  27. Del says:

    “I noticed he had white earbuds in his ears. The other end of them was plugged into a block of cheddar cheese ”

    I think this dream is proof that Cheese Storage drives are finally ready to hit the mainstream! I wonder why they took so long to release them, but it was in order to make them mp3 players as well! I can’t wait to buy one. Though I’ll have a hard time choosing between Muenster and Chedder.

    Also peter drinks are served in the Giga-Post http://www.crazyapplerumors.com/?p=235 to all those 21 and over

  28. Bob says:

    I have to say this is the funniest crazy rumor in a long time. I’m going to be chuckling over the image of Jobs in his office with the animatronic Yoda in the corner for the rest of the day.

  29. Skip says:

    Technically, it’s Grand Central Terminal. Not Grand Central Station. I mention it only because I”m an asshole who likes to point it out when people make mistakes that show they don’t live in New York. Like I do.

  30. Well Greaved Achean says:

    Damn you, Cthulhu. When I read of the dreaming powers of Steve Jobs, I immediately thought of you. Dead Cthulhu lies dreaming.

    And why would you want my puny mortal brain to melt? I thought you wanted to consume brains.

    I have served you long-time, committed many unspeakable acts for you, and this is how you repay me?

  31. No wonder my block of cheddar cheese wouldn’t play my mp3s. It has to be muenster. NOW he says so. Geez.

  32. Hrunga Zmuda says:

    Please, don’t say astral and projection in the same sentence.

    It gives me bad dreams.

  33. sentie says:

    … so then I asked him to hand me the puppy, and guess what he does. Come on, guess.

    Ok, well, he gets up, goes to the kitchen and pours the juice down the drain. What’s up with that?

    I mean, I only asked him for one puppy for gosh’s sake.

  34. Hash Brown says:


    Apple is going to release a smart phone in 2007….

  35. cmzcpy says:


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