28 Apr 06Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

It’s month-end and daddy’s gotta pay the bills! Today’s edition of the Help Desk is the all-product placement dance mix!

Q: I have an iMac that I use as kind of a media hub for my photos and music and video. A lot of the files are the only copies I have, so I’m really concerned about backup. What do you suggest?
A: I suggest the biggest, most expensive hard drive from the fine folks at LaCie that you can possibly afford by taking out a second mortgage on your home. LaCie: manufacturers of quality backup storage drives.
Q: Oh. Wow. That seems… like overkill. I mean… I have a G3 iMac with a CD burner an about a hundred iPhoto pictures and maybe 500 songs and… well… really no video at all yet. I just… is that really necessary?
A: Uh… no. No. I guess not. If you want, you could just get an iPod shuffle and a very expensive DVD burner from our glorious technological overlords at LaCie.
Q: Uhhh… You’re pretty much going to suggest a solution involving LaCie no matter what I say, aren’t you.
A: What? No! That’s… absurd.
Q: I have moles in my underwear drawer.
A: LaCie makes a fabulous mole trap that fits right in your unmentionables drawer!
Q: What?! No they don’t!
A: Well… no. But they could. They’re very smart.
Q: Oh, stop it.

Q: I have a LaCie Firewire drive and I’m having a problem with using it with iDVD. I’m trying to burn a… hey… wait a minute… You just put a link to a LaCie product page… Hey! You did it again!
A: Well, there’s nothing wrong with providing a helpful link to fabulous products from LaCie in case our readers want to make a purchase. Of some… you know… LaCie products.
Q: You’re just a link whore! A dirty, dirty link whore!
A: Oh, come on. If it’s so wrong, why does it feel so right?
Q: Because you’re getting a kickback?
A: Oh, yeah! That’s it!
Q: Pff!

Q: Oh, jeez, you know what, I was going to ask a question, but I’m kinda tired and since I know you’re just going to turn it into an excuse to link to… them… just go ahead and do it.
A: No! No! You’re ruining it for me! You need to say it!
Q: [sigh] OK. … LaCie.
A: Yeah, baby!
Q: Ack, god, I feel so cheap!
A: Oh, that totally wears off after a few sweet, sweet kickback checks!

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Nxxx says:

    I haven’t ANY LaCie products.

    I am unworthy

    Oh and I don’t deserve first post.

  2. Ilan says:

    third baby

  3. John Moltz says:

    Oh, come on, Nxxx! Yes, you do! You’re the fastest horse in Middle Earth!

    Oh, wait I’ve got the wrong guy.

    Still… you’ve probably got some super power, right?

  4. Ace Deuce says:


    I have a couple of LaCie external drives. Per the arrangement, I can have unlimited storage as long as there is the Lacie logo tattooed on my forehead.

  5. Carl says:

    Actually, the links are broken. So, luke-warm.

  6. Ace Deuce says:

    Local color: The LaCie US headquarters is just a few miles from here, and it’s near the huge Intel campus where some Mac innards are developed. You’d think the dumpster diving there would be pretty rich, but they’re stingy.

    Also, LaCie’s lawn has lots of molehills, so I don’t think their trap technology is too advanced.

  7. Dezro says:

    LaCie uses a proprietrary(spelling?) power cable for some of their drives. I lost it while moving, and it turned out to cost less to extract the actual drive part and put it in a cheap (but nice quality) CompUSA drive than to buy a replacement cable.

    HOWEVER: It’s a damn nice drive.

  8. Steve Jobs says:

    It is 1AM Saturday morning, I’m drunk on one glass of Scotch on the rocks and I’m number 10. Really, does it get any better? Oh, yea. Being number 11. Damn.

  9. Kicked Mr. Jobs’ ass! I’m number 11 beotch!

  10. Ace Raider says:

    8: The Apple/Intel stuff isn’t done at Jones Farm.

    They won’t tell us where. Some undisclosed location.

    I do know it’s protected by LaCie mole traps though.

    So trying to go there just isn’t worth it.

    Everyone in Orygun uses LaCie mole traps and the ever popular LaCie Bigfoot Repellant.

  11. Ace Deuce says:

    Hey, Ace Raider — are you an Intel mole?

  12. Bill Gates says:

    I own (and love) a black iPod Nano, don’t tell steve (balmer), he’ll go nuts.

  13. PoisedNoise says:

    For the record, I do havee some LaCie products, and they seem to work, mostly.

    Unlike the LaCie reference links in the article, which produce database errors. 😛

  14. scared monster says:

    I like it like that.
    I mean, the database errors.
    So nice.

  15. Modrak says:


  16. John Moltz says:

    I think the links are fixed now, so please purchase many, many fine LaCie products so that we can enjoy a kickback-a-riffic weekend.

  17. Streetrabbit says:

    I’ve drunk too much, and I’m having trouble reading. Is there an Apple product that can make me drunker?

  18. NWJR says:

    If they made a drive called the iCie, I’d consider buying one.

  19. Cai says:

    Ha haaaaaa!

    21 baby!

    Fashionably late to the party!

    Wheres the horse water…….?

  20. Ace Raider says:

    13: Yes, I work for the company that makes those silicon thingamajigs.
    No I’m not a mole. ( Though I have been called a jackass.)

    Yes, I am a Maclot.

  21. Nxxx says:




  22. UhhhDude says:

    I have two very sweet LaCie LCD monitors at work. Too bad they’re hooked up to a bleeedin’ PC.

    $2000 worth of monitor-ey goodness from LaCie, wasted on a wintel box. It’s so not fair.

    Did you get a kickback on that one, Moltz??

  23. Psyko says:

    Shouldn’t “Every Friday, the staff…” be changed to something more like:

    “Almost every Friday, the staff…”
    “Every Friday (You see that there? Yeah, it was a lie.), the staff…”
    “Every Friday (Except ones where we have a really good excuse not to. And I mean REALLY good!), the staff…”
    “Basically every Friday, the staff…”
    “Every other Friday, the staff…”
    “Almost every other Friday, the staff…”
    “It is very hard to type without a left shift key, the staff…”
    “If we are in the mood, every Friday, the staff…”
    “A few Fridays out of the year, the staff…”
    “All your base are belong to us, the staff…”
    “On Fridays when the moon appears to shine blood red, with a hint of turquoise, to only people that are standing at 44° 15′ N 88° 23′ W, the staff…”
    “At least one Friday a month, the staff…”
    “Blah blah blah, the staff…”

    All these suggestions are given freely to the thingy-ma-peoples at CARS for use in fixing the BLATANT LIE posted [not quite] every Friday.


    P.S. UhhhDude, I got the kickback on that one. Thanks.


  24. yoyo says:

    Today I couldn’t think of anything funny to say which is no different from any other day but today I didn’t say it.
    looks like it’s yet another honourable suicide for me.

  25. Ergo says:

    Bravo, psyko, that was quite funny. Now if we could get you to contribute every Friday, we’d always have something funny.

  26. Psyko says:

    Well, I am located a few miles south of CARS headquarters… I doubt they would hire a nobody like me though.
    Nobody likes me.


  27. pc says:

    Buy a DELL PEOPLE!!!!@!!! DELL ROCKS

  28. Michael Dell says:

    I think LaCie is obsolete… and stupid.

  29. Nxxx says:

    We only PRETEND not to like you.

  30. Psyko says:

    No you don’t Nxxx, only somebody that really hates me would give me false hope like that.


  31. Tom says:

    The great thing about Dell’s computers is that they are cheap.

    The bad thing is that it shows.

  32. Ace Deuce says:


    Don’t worry. We really, really hate you — just like the Academy really, really likes Sally Field.

    Allow me to present you with the Moltzy Award for Most Forlorn Performance on a Rumor Site.

  33. Psyko says:

    I’m honored. I really am.


  34. Yeh, those damned LINKS to things in the middle of TEXT about things makes it really annoring to read about the STUFF you’re trying to read about, I hope they go the way of pop-up ads, which thankfully haven’t been POPPING up as much as they used to.
    Next thing they will bring back the blink tag to make all those LINKS to things BLINK BLINK at you whilst you engage in your perusal.
    ~ T2L

  35. John Moltz says:

    Hey, if anyone’s going to be handing out a Moltzy it’s going to be me!

    And possibly Moltzy McMoltzman. My family actually sub-licenses the name from him.

  36. John Moltz says:

    Does anyone else find that moment when the page is loading right before the style sheet kicks in and it’s all just plain text kind of disturbing?

    I know what some people find disturbing is the actual style sheet, but in the brief, otherworldly moment I keep expecting to details of someone’s plot to kill some little old lady before it disappears.

    And, probably, ends up on the Giga-Post.

  37. Ergo says:

    Yes John, its disturbing.
    I am sorry to go off subject, and this is so late in the post no one will ever read it, but I gotta say it somewhere…
    Tonight’s gay loving, God bashing, Family Guy and American Dad, were really disappointing to me. I literally felt the slime creeping over my soul as I watched.
    I know its not apple related, but you guys appreciate good satire. I just wanted to vent where I knew I would be understood.

  38. Nxxx says:

    It is the best bit.
    It is what comes afterwards that is deeply disturbing.

  39. Tom says:

    I don’t understand.

  40. Del says:

    LaCie External Drives = Junk.

    They load up multiple HD’s and put it in a tiny enclosure that basically just sets it to be JBOD in order to get their huge size. Then they charge you an obscene amount and they don’t even put a fan in them. Over the last two years we’ve probably purchased 15 because people who do not understand heat + HD = failed HD and data loss. Only the most recent two we purchased are still working (those Lacie decided to put a $0.80 fan in). Junk I tell you Junk!

  41. Huh? says:

    THANK YOU Del!!!
    I thought I was the only one doing that. Two of the ‘Big Disk D2’ have been tossed, along with all the data.

    My Pants™ convinced me to get one of their monitors, which is still working.


  42. CTHULHU says:


  43. Hello, I just wanted to say I am sorry for copying Apple Computer in pretty much everything that they do, but sometimes I run out of ideas, you know.


  44. Psyko says:

    And you all just forget about Psyko.

    You all hate me I tell you!


  45. Psyko says:

    Moltz, you are right. It is disturbing. What is even more disturbing is how it looks for me right now though. It loaded most of the way, but the white box down the center isn’t here. The whole thing looks kind of half dead limbo landish.


  46. Flippy The Wonder Dog says:

    Okay, I normally just read these comments and admire the considerable verbal prowess of you posters. The Algonquin Round Table would tremble at the masterful use of language as well the brain power applied to achieving Internet Nirvana via the 11th post. But I had a frightening experience yesterday that I must share.

    I happened to read this CARS ad, er, article, and was overcome with an irresistible urge to buy some disk space. Worse, it just *had* to be LaCie disk drives. And it had to be right damn now, via Amazon.

    I was, in a word, frightened.

    Please don’t abuse this power or use it incautiously, friends-at-CARS. Certainly don’t use it to force us to buy upgraded sexbots with greater “capacity.” Or even just more sexbots.

    Please. Don’t. Stop.

  47. Hash Brown says:

    Post 49 Hoo ha.

    I got 2 external Lacie HD’s both 500GB and both got fucked up after I wasn’t using them for a while… I formated one it started to kick-in and work fine but afterwards it got screwed again….

    Therefore Lacie does have some goody gadgets…when you use them…