01 May 06Apple Performance Completely Dependent On Wall Street Jargon.

Stunning news today as a report by MarketWatch reveals that Apple’s viability hinges entirely on “a long-term bearish technical pattern.” Rumor sites were struggling to defend their relevance as the reporters of upcoming Apple products – things that people might actually wish to exchange currency for in future Apple fiscal cycles – as that information is clearly useless.

According to MarketWatch, what’s important when considering investing in Apple is not the particulars of the company – its management, its expectations for upcoming quarters, even its P/E ratio – it’s what the current groupthink is.

The bear counterattack totally engulfed the bulls’ attack; hence the name “bearish engulfing.” This is a sign that bears were able to withstand the best that bulls had to offer and came back even stronger.

Asked to interpret, the Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg was at a loss.

“I don’t know what this means, really,” Mossberg admitted. “I think there are these guys who think they’re bears and these other guys who think they’re bulls and, apparently, there are more bear guys than bull guys. Or something. And somehow because of that you shouldn’t buy Apple.”

Other analysts confirmed that, while it’s not currently recommended to buy Apple stock – nor have they ever admitted that it is – it’s not really Apple’s fault.

“Apple’s not a bad company,” said Daniel Niles of Lehman Brothers. “It’s just mathematically challenged. I mean, look at the mathematical technicals.”

According to MarketWatch,

Mathematical technicals, which are derived via calculation of data over a specified time period, help investors gauge the momentum of a stock’s move by measuring its current performance to that of its recent past.

Niles fell silent, however, when asked to explain how “mathematical technicals” were any different than attempting to pick tomorrow’s Lotto numbers based on the numbers that have appeared over the past few days.

“It just is, OK?”

No Responses to “Apple Performance Completely Dependent On Wall Street Jargon.”

  1. croikle says:

    two? d00d…

  2. Ace Deuce says:


  3. Jules says:

    Third! (or so I hope)

    This makes no sense to me either, and I just graduated with an MBA! Great article.

  4. Ace Deuce says:

    Bull market.

    Burst bubble.

    Bear market.

    Bargaining and denial market.

    Beer market.

    Bier market.

  5. Nxxx says:

    What’s this?
    Bears beating bulls?
    I’m a Taurean, so it must be rubbish.
    Now Apples beating bears, much more likely.

  6. Hrunga Zmuda says:


    And it’s also a number Wall Street Watches!

  7. Fat Tony says:

    Ah, the coveted 8th spot!

  8. Gary says:

    Bears and bulls, eh?

    I preferred the goats we had recently…

  9. Bing Crosby says:

    I think i know why this spot’s been left open…

  10. Wesley says:

    A one and a two!

  11. Colonel Panic says:

    Any signs yet of a guinea pig market?

  12. Glory Days says:

    Ahhh, market analysts…always trying to recapture their elusive pasts.

  13. Garnack says:

    This post intentionally left blank!

  14. UhhhDude says:

    I don’t read the Wall Street Journal. No comics section.

  15. NWJR says:

    “I don’t read the Wall Street Journal. No comics section.”

    No need to. The editorial page gives up plenty of chuckles.

  16. leopard says:

    This is the first factual artical you’ve published. I was a programmer in trading systems for ten years, and most of these guys sit and stare at their bloomberg terminals and phone each other with stories. The second the market closes, they’re out for a beer. A few guys do technical analysis, but they’re the ones getting beat up for their lunch money. Pff. Geeks.

  17. Huh? says:

    Yeah, I gotta agree with leopard, this has way too many facts in it.

    My Pants™ are scared.


  18. Saikou Yuden says:

    This confirms what I’ve always suspected: Economics is a “voodoo science!”

  19. jimothy says:

    “[B]ears were able to withstand the best that bulls had to offer and came back even stronger.”

    Nobody has bothered to point out the oddity of a football team playing a basketball team. Am I the only one here that is thinking?!?

  20. Small Paul says:

    Ooooh, blockquotes. Nice blockquote style.

  21. Ace Raider says:

    This post made my head hurt.

  22. WordPress Marketing says:

    This post intentionally left blank.

  23. iBode says:

    And both those teams from the same state…. curious….

  24. Mr. Slaphappy says:

    YES!!! I think 26th is the best i’ve ever done!!!! WOW TODAY IS A GREAT DAY, Maybe i’ll have to go slap my self happy!!!

  25. Michael Dell says:

    this thing was boring so i didnt erad it

  26. Aple Batsards. Allways thinking youer better than us.

  27. yoyo says:

    … a man can dream.

  28. Seriously, why didn’t we discuss who would win in a fight, a bull or a bear?

    My bet is that a bear would win, if he can get up a tree before being skewered by the bull’s horns then drop onto the bull’s back and rip out his juglar vein whilst riding him, like in the end of that Three Stooges short. Even without a tree I think the bear could take the bull. Yeah! F-you bull!

    LAST POST!1!!

  29. Del says:

    I’m waiting until it’s a pony market.