08 Jun 06Inside Apple.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs is well known for his mercurial nature and his penchant for abusing employees. But this disturbing edition of Inside Apple – funneled to us by key Apple sources – may shock even the most jaded fan.

The transcript is of an incident involving Jobs and an employee who we’ll call just “employee” for reasons that will become clear on this shocking edition of…

Inside Apple.


[STEVE JOBS’ OFFICE]

[A TUESDAY]

[3:15 PM]

[-ISH]

[THE EMPLOYEE ENTERS]

EMPLOYEE: Excuse me, Steve? I just need to water the plants in your…

JOBS: Oh, hey, can you give me a hand with something?

EMPLOYEE: Oh. Sure. What is it?

JOBS: Do you ever get one of those little failures in life stuck in your head and it just keeps playing over and over and over?

EMPLOYEE: Oh, yeah, like this one time I was in line at the supermarket and I sneezed and…

JOBS: Hey. Hey. Hey! This is not about you.

EMPLOYEE: Sorry.

JOBS: No. See, I’m just a little down since we lost this lawsuit against the rumor sites and…

[JOBS SIGHS HEAVILY]

EMPLOYEE: Yeah. Yeah. I guess that was sort of disappointing for you. You kind of took that personally. How can I help?

JOBS: Yeah. Well, see… it would really help me if…

I could ride you like a pony around my office.

EMPLOYEE: Um… if you could… what?

JOBS: Ride you like a pony.

EMPLOYEE: Uh…

JOBS: …

EMPLOYEE: That’s not… prison lingo, is it?

JOBS: No, no, no. It’s just… you know, you’d get down on all fours and I’d climb on your back and then you’d crawl around. Maybe buck a few times. Oh! And whinny. You’ve got to whinny.

EMPLOYEE: Um… isn’t there some sort of human resources rule against this?

JOBS: Mmm… no. No, I don’t think so. I used to make Andy Hertzfeld do this all the time. It just reminds me of my childhood. Makes me happy.

EMPLOYEE: Uh, well, I dunno…

JOBS: Oh, c’mon. Just for a few minutes. It’ll really make me feel better. I’d consider it a personal favor.

EMPLOYEE: Um… OK.

JOBS: Great!

[THE EMPLOYEE GETS DOWN ON ALL FOURS AND JOBS GETS ON TOP OF HIM.]

EMPLOYEE: You know, on second thought, I’m really not comfortable with…

[JOBS GRABS THE BACK OF THE EMPLOYEE’S SHIRT WITH ONE HAND AND THROWS THE OTHER HAND IN THE AIR AS IF RIDING A MECHANICAL BULL.]

[OR A REAL BULL, I GUESS.]

JOBS: YEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAWWWW!!!

EMPLOYEE: Oh. Oh, boy.

JOBS: Now, whinny! Whinny!

EMPLOYEE: Uh.. uh… [whinny]

JOBS: No, no! You’re ruining it for me! You call that a whinny?! Whinny like you really mean it!

[SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF WORLDWIDE MARKETING PHIL SCHILLER ENTERS, LOOKING DOWN AT A PIECE OF PAPER IN HIS HAND.]

SCHILLER: Steve, I was just looking at the marketing plan for the tablet device and…

[LOOKS UP FROM MARKETING PLAN FOR TABLET DEVICE]

Oh.

JOBS: …

EMPLOYEE: …

SCHILLER: Uhhh…

I’ll come back.

EMPLOYEE: No! Don’t leave me! Call HR!

JOBS: Oh, wait, wait! I forgot the bridle!

EMPLOYEE: Nooooo!


Well, I don’t know about you, but I won’t be able to look at my Apple products the same way after reading this.

I’m not even sure I’ll be able to look at Jobs at all.

No Responses to “Inside Apple.”

  1. Ace Deuce says:

    Ace

  2. Ace Deuce says:

    Deuce

  3. Ace Raider says:

    Second

  4. Ace Deuce says:

    Hey Del, where are you? It’s pony time!

  5. Ace Raider says:

    Make that third and fourth

  6. Ace Raider says:

    Stop it. I’m trying to post here!

  7. Huh? says:

    Hey, everybody needs a pony ride every now and then.
    I don’t blame Steve one bit…. and how selfish was that ’employee’? Geeze!
    “No! Don’t leave me! Call HR!” Pfft…

    Even my Pants™ respect the pony more than that.

    moo

  8. joey says:

    i liked pony rides when i was young.

  9. Ace Raider says:

    Whoa, now that I’ve actually read the post.

    I think I’d rather disassociate myself from this particular comments thread.

    Please forget I was here…

    thanks

  10. Huh? says:

    No way Ace!!!! You’re in deep now… Taking 1st through 6th?!? Then trying to back out???
    Young man, you are going to sit right back down and face the wrath of all the other posters!

    …go ahead guys.

    moo

  11. 2000guitars says:

    levnth

  12. Psyko says:

    KILL THE COWS!

    MARK

  13. Small Paul says:

    “That’s not… prison lingo, is it?”

    Looks like EMPLOYEE has been watching a little Friends. Season 4, I believe.

  14. Ficko says:

    What’s up with that?

    Perfectly normal behaviour in our British Government. Why they even specialise in semi-strangulation, oranges and things.

  15. Andy says:

    OMG Ponies!!!

  16. UhhhDude says:

    Y’know, when I was a kid, I didn’t get a pony OR an Apple. So yeah, I can understand what Steve’s going through.

    I’m going to console myself by going to see that new CARS movie that starts today. It’ll be so exciting to see Moltz, The Entity, McGruder, Ugluk, and Masako on the big screen. I’m sure I can shake the blues off by seeing my favorite Mac rumors characters in their cinematic deput.

    Yep. This should be really good.

  17. UhhhDude says:

    That’s “debut.” I got a little excited there. Yep.

  18. Del says:

    YaY Ponies!!!!

    I’m not the only one with a Pony obsession!

    Steve needs a Roller Pony. There 3.5 times as much fun as the regular kind except for the whole stopping issue. Do they make pony anchors?

  19. crow says:

    Please, someone tell me they’re making a Flash movie of this…

  20. A priest, a rabbi, and an Indonesian Dwarf with a club foot says:

    We’ve had no closure on the plant watering thing. What about the plants?! Think of the plants man!

  21. Del says:

    The pony ate the plants.

  22. Huh? says:

    Um… the pony just pooed the plants….

    Can we a clean-up over here?

  23. Typo says:

    I hear Steve used to make John Sculley give him rasberries on his tummy.

  24. blank says:

    Just be happy that Steve didn’t want an Evil Goat ride. I don’t know what that is exactly, but it scares me.

  25. UhhhDude says:

    What a load of crap! I just got back from that CARS movie, and you know what? No Moltz! No Entity! No Masako!

    Just a bunch of computer-generated cartoon cars. Who wants to see that rot when there’s mystery and intrigue (and sexbots) over at the CARS compound?

    Now I am depressed. I need a hug.

    One of those really tight ones that lasts a couple of seconds too long.

  26. undecided says:

    Well, that’s what happens when the brain is starved for protein for too long. All the vegans I know act real uptight and cranky all the time.

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