Archive for the 'Inside Apple' Category

15 SepJohnny Appleseed Leaves Apple

In a shocking announcement, long-time Apple employee Johnny Appleseed has left the company to join a startup in the social networking industry.

Apple PR officials curtly confirmed the move made by the iconic employee who has been used as the representative product user in Apple demos for years.

“Mr. Appleseed no longer works at Apple,” the company said in a brief statement.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site was able to confirm that Appleseed has taken a position as a “Marketing and Brand Ninja” at Pltz.com (pronounced “Plotz dot com”).

Interviewed at his new place of employment, Appleseed said he felt the time was right for a change.

“I don’t know if you’re heard, but Tim Cook’s no Steve Jobs,” Appleseed said. “I mean, not that I interacted with Steve. Or Tim. Anyway, I’m pretty sure Apple’s done innovating. ‘iPhone 5′? Puh-leez. Also, I just felt like trying something different. Something, uh, without health care, apparently. I didn’t actually know that before I accepted the position.”

Asked if there was any bad blood between him and Apple, Appleseed was frank.

“I felt like I was just a joke to them! ‘Oh! Your name is Appleseed! We should use you in all of our demos, hahahaha!’ Jesus. Screw you guys.”

Appleseed expressed enthusiasm for the change and thought Pltz.com was going to be the big success story in the social networking space over the next five years.

“We’re kind of the Sharepoint of Facebook, so…”

From across the room a coworker corrected Appleseed. “Dude, no. The venture capitalists nixed that. We’re the Pinterest of… uh… HEY, JERRRY! WHAT ARE WE THE PINTEREST OF?”

“LINKEDIN!”

“Right. We’re the Pinterest of LinkedIn.”

Appleseed stared at him blankly for a minute and then said “I get to wear a lot of hats here. It’s exciting. You can just… say I said that.”

Apple declined to comment on who might replace Appleseed in demos in the future, but a new jobs opening for someone with “an Apple-themed name” on the company’s web site indicated the company is recruiting for the position.

18 DecInside Apple

It’s been a while since we’ve done one of these, but sources deep inside Apple – like in the boiler room – forwarded this transcript of a meeting that took place in Tokyo between Apple representatives and those of NTT DoCoMo over bringing the iPhone to Japan.

Let’s do it again, boys and, um, girl. Let’s go… Inside Apple.
________________

SCHILLER: Let me just say that it’s a pleasure to be here and we’re really excited about the opportunity to bring the iPhone to Japan!

JOBS: That’s right, Phil. The iPhone is a device uniquely fitted to the Japanese market. We think Japan’s sophisticated consumer electronics buyers are really going to enjoy it.

NTT DOCOMO EXECUTIVE 1: Hey! Let’s super fun time with iPhone!

SCHILLER: Um… [LOOKS QUIZZICALLY AT JOBS]

JOBS: Uh… yes! Exactly! Let’s super fun time with iPhone!

NTT DOCOMO EXECUTIVE 2: You get super number 1! In vibrant blues and yellows!

SCHILLER: Uh… that’s… good.

JOBS: What does that mean?

SCHILLER: It doesn’t matter! Because we’re excited about working with your company to bring the iPhone to the Japanese market. So, let’s talk some numbers…

EXECUTIVE 1: Numbers! Ah! Yes!

JOBS: Yes, numbers!

SCHILLER: Numbers! OK, so, we were thinking…

EXECUTIVE 1: 14!

EXECUTIVE 2: One thousand eleventy!

EXECUTIVE 1: Seven seventy!

EXECUTIVE 2: Twenty twenty!

EXECUTIVE 1: Sixty Minutes!

EXECUTIVE 2: Ladies panties!

SCHILLER: I, uh, was more thinking number of units.

JOBS: I was thinking number of dollars. Or yen. I’m not particular.

SCHILLER: OK, OK. What about ad campaigns? I was thinking some top Japanese talent could give the iPhone a hip image. Any names you can think of?

EXECUTIVE 1: Ah, top talent!

EXECUTIVE 2: Top talent!

EXECUTIVE 1: We get John Wayne!

EXECUTIVE 2: No, Steve McQueen!

EXECUTIVE 1: Ah! Bang-bang!

EXECUTIVE 2: Bang-bang! Sell many iPhones!

SCHILLER: No. No. They’re not hip. Or Japanese. Or alive.

JOBS: Well, McQueen’s hip. Still dead, though.

SCHILLER: I think we need Japanese celebrities. Or ordinary people! Man on the street types!

EXECUTIVE 1: Ah, man on za street! Yes! My cousin is number one top man on za streeto!

SCHILLER: Is your accent getting heavier?

EXECUTIVE 2: Ah! Ah! Time for Wii!

EXECUTIVE 1: Time for Wii!

EXECUTIVE 2: Wiiiiiiii!

[THE NTT DOCOMO EXECUTIVES TURN ON A NINTENDO WII AND BEGIN TO PLAY.]

SCHILLER: OK, uh, we’ll just go… and…

JOBS: We’ll talk later.

SCHILLER: Right. We’ll talk later.

[THE APPLE EXECUTIVES LEAVE.]

EXECUTIVE 1: [DROPPING THE WII CONTROLLER] Well, that went well.

EXECUTIVE 2: I think so. A few more meetings like this and we should have them right where we want them.

EXECUTIVE 1: Great. No way we’re getting screwed like AT&T. I hope it happens soon, though, because this papier-mache Hello Kitty head really itches.

EXECUTIVE 2: Oh, you think this Godzilla suit is any better? This rubber really chafes my junk.

EXECUTIVE 1: Ha-ha!

EXECUTIVE 2: What? What did I say… Oh! Ha-ha!

EXECUTIVE 1: Ha-ha! “This rubber chafes my junk”!

EXECUTIVE 2: Heh-heh. Ahhh. Hey, could you unzip me?

22 JunInside Apple.

Sources within Apple indicate a disturbing trend in recent months. CEO Steve Jobs has become veritably incomprehensible.

Sources were unable to state exactly why that might be, but indicated that Jobs – after several recent trips to India to discuss the opening of a new facility that was subsequently closed – had been studying with a new yogi who has been teaching him the mystic arts of non-sequitur enlightenment.

Let’s look at the results in this edition of… Inside Apple.


HEAD OF MAC HARDWARE ENGINEERING PETER MEHRING: Steve, we’ve got a tough decision ahead of us and only you can make it. It’s our belief that if we introduce both a $500 mini-laptop and a $500 tablet device, both will fail as they’ll cannibalize each other’s sales. So, what’s it gonna be, Steve? Mini-laptop or tablet?

STEVE JOBS: Well, you know, it is a tough decision. I know people at this company have worked hard on both projects, so some are going to be terribly disappointed. But eventually daddy’s got to make his own Jell-O, you know? He’s gotta make him some bacon-wrapped pudding. A little oven-roasted hamster. With tiny little white paper things on its feet. You know what I’m talking about. Anyway… that’s where I come down.

MEHRING: Uh… what? Was there a decision in there?

CFO PETER OPPENHEIMER: Exactly, Steve! That’s… that’s exactly what I’ve been thinking.

SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF WORLDWIDE MARKETING PHIL SCHILLER: Do you know what he’s saying?

OPPENHEIMER: Yeah! Well… no. I just… um… Never mind.

JOBS: Look, I don’t know how to be any clearer. The pigs aren’t going to enema themselves.

MEHRING: Uh… well, I’m not going to do it.

CHIEF OPERATING OFFICER TIM COOK: [GRABS A PAD OF PAPER AND A PENCIL AND WRITES] Bacon-wrapped pudding…

JOBS: Violent cats are roaming my pants!

SCHILLER: Oh, this is no good.

MEHRING: Should we just flip a coin?

SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF INDUSTRIAL DESIGN JONATHAN IVE: No, this problem is bigger than this one issue. We need to learn to interpret what Steve’s saying.

JOBS: Elephants make meat open a sprig of sunlight in a round vagina!

SCHILLER: …

MEHRING: …

IVE: …

OPPENHEIMER: Yes!

IVE: You still have that coin?

MEHRING: [FLIPPING] Call it.

08 JunInside Apple.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs is well known for his mercurial nature and his penchant for abusing employees. But this disturbing edition of Inside Apple – funneled to us by key Apple sources – may shock even the most jaded fan.

The transcript is of an incident involving Jobs and an employee who we’ll call just “employee” for reasons that will become clear on this shocking edition of…

Inside Apple.


[STEVE JOBS' OFFICE]

[A TUESDAY]

[3:15 PM]

[-ISH]

[THE EMPLOYEE ENTERS]

EMPLOYEE: Excuse me, Steve? I just need to water the plants in your…

JOBS: Oh, hey, can you give me a hand with something?

EMPLOYEE: Oh. Sure. What is it?

JOBS: Do you ever get one of those little failures in life stuck in your head and it just keeps playing over and over and over?

EMPLOYEE: Oh, yeah, like this one time I was in line at the supermarket and I sneezed and…

JOBS: Hey. Hey. Hey! This is not about you.

EMPLOYEE: Sorry.

JOBS: No. See, I’m just a little down since we lost this lawsuit against the rumor sites and…

[JOBS SIGHS HEAVILY]

EMPLOYEE: Yeah. Yeah. I guess that was sort of disappointing for you. You kind of took that personally. How can I help?

JOBS: Yeah. Well, see… it would really help me if…

I could ride you like a pony around my office.

EMPLOYEE: Um… if you could… what?

JOBS: Ride you like a pony.

EMPLOYEE: Uh…

JOBS: …

EMPLOYEE: That’s not… prison lingo, is it?

JOBS: No, no, no. It’s just… you know, you’d get down on all fours and I’d climb on your back and then you’d crawl around. Maybe buck a few times. Oh! And whinny. You’ve got to whinny.

EMPLOYEE: Um… isn’t there some sort of human resources rule against this?

JOBS: Mmm… no. No, I don’t think so. I used to make Andy Hertzfeld do this all the time. It just reminds me of my childhood. Makes me happy.

EMPLOYEE: Uh, well, I dunno…

JOBS: Oh, c’mon. Just for a few minutes. It’ll really make me feel better. I’d consider it a personal favor.

EMPLOYEE: Um… OK.

JOBS: Great!

[THE EMPLOYEE GETS DOWN ON ALL FOURS AND JOBS GETS ON TOP OF HIM.]

EMPLOYEE: You know, on second thought, I’m really not comfortable with…

[JOBS GRABS THE BACK OF THE EMPLOYEE'S SHIRT WITH ONE HAND AND THROWS THE OTHER HAND IN THE AIR AS IF RIDING A MECHANICAL BULL.]

[OR A REAL BULL, I GUESS.]

JOBS: YEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAWWWW!!!

EMPLOYEE: Oh. Oh, boy.

JOBS: Now, whinny! Whinny!

EMPLOYEE: Uh.. uh… [whinny]

JOBS: No, no! You’re ruining it for me! You call that a whinny?! Whinny like you really mean it!

[SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF WORLDWIDE MARKETING PHIL SCHILLER ENTERS, LOOKING DOWN AT A PIECE OF PAPER IN HIS HAND.]

SCHILLER: Steve, I was just looking at the marketing plan for the tablet device and…

[LOOKS UP FROM MARKETING PLAN FOR TABLET DEVICE]

Oh.

JOBS: …

EMPLOYEE: …

SCHILLER: Uhhh…

I’ll come back.

EMPLOYEE: No! Don’t leave me! Call HR!

JOBS: Oh, wait, wait! I forgot the bridle!

EMPLOYEE: Nooooo!


Well, I don’t know about you, but I won’t be able to look at my Apple products the same way after reading this.

I’m not even sure I’ll be able to look at Jobs at all.

20 AprInside Apple

Steve Jobs recently attended a Cupertino city council meeting to announce Apple’s plan to build a second campus. While the San Jose Mercury News provided a transcript of the meeting, several key passages were redacted for political purposes. Crazy Apple Rumors Site operatives have obtained the redacted passages and we provided them on this edition of… Inside Apple.


JOBS: Well, now that you’ve seen the plans for our campus and the four-mile long take-off ramp for the space ark, I’ll throw the floor open to any questions you might have.

COUNCIL MEMBER 1: Steve, is it true there’s going to be a water-flume ride and a gigantic cage that you’ll fill with mutants from the Forbidden Zone so you can watch them battle to the death for your amusement?

JOBS: That is… no. Absolutely not. I heard that that was reported on some rumor sites but that is categorically false. Let me say this in the strongest possible terms: there will be no water-flume ride. We’ve got enough lawsuits without putting our employees in that kind of danger.

COUNCIL MEMBER 1: What about the gigantic…

JOBS: Next question, please.

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: Steve, over the years there have been a lot of complaints from residents about weird goings on at the Apple campus… strange people coming and going… some of them Newton users…

COUNCIL MEMBER 3: Disgusting!

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: …loud jungle music… demon gods… goats… what have you. What assurances can you give us that adding a second Apple campus won’t just exacerbate the problem?

JOBS: Well, let’s not beat around the bush. It’s the midnight human sacrifices you’re talking about, right?

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: The… what?

COUNCIL MEMBER 3: Disgusting!

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: I had no idea…

JOBS: Uhhh… perhaps I’ve said too much. But to answer your question, this new campus will be surrounded by a 150-foot soundproof wall mounted with laser cannons and around that will be a moat filled with amphibious evil goats.

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: Amphibious…?

COUNCIL MEMBER 3: Disgusting!

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: Would you stop saying that?!

JOBS: Uh, yes, you in the back.

GIL AMELIO DIGUISED AS A CUPERTINO CITY COUNCIL MEMBER: Uh, yes, “Steve,” is it? Um, can you comment on rumors that, because you’ll now have two campuses, you’ll need two CEOs?

JOBS: Mmm, no. That’s not true. This won’t affect our executive team at all.

GIL AMELIO: Dammit. [He exits, tossing his disguise in the trash on his way out.]

JOBS: Well, I think that’s it. I’d like to thank you all for your attention and your support over the years and your willingness to allow us to harvest the brains of area residents as part of our new initiative to create Macs that think like humans!

COUNCIL MEMBER 1: Wedidwhatnow?

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: Wha-what?

COUNCIL MEMBER 3: Disgust… oh, dammit, I did it again.

EVIL LOOKING GOAT 1: Baaaaaaahhhhh

GUARD: Ooh. That’s creepy.