Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I was reading this bullcrap yesterday from this douche bag who says that the Mac OS isn’t invulnerable to malware and that it’s only going to get worse. Man, that is such crap!
A: Well, I think it’s pretty difficult to say categorically that if the Mac OS continues to have success that it’s going to be just as vulnerable to malware as Windows, but it’s clear that OS X has benefitted from not being such a magnet for hackers.
Q: What the hell are you talking about?
A: Well, I think it might be harder on OS X than on Windows, but I bet if you were determined, you could write a piece of malware for any operating system.
Q: What?!
A: The Mac OS is probably more secure, but it’s not invulnerable.
Q: It is so invulnerable!
A: Um… you seem to be taking this a little personally.
Q: OS X is the one true and beautiful thing in my life! Why would you try to take that from me?!
A: Oh, c’mon. That’s not true. You’ll always have your collection of pretty porcelain ponies.
Q: Well… that’s true…

Q: I’m using Java, HTML and Apache on my Power Mac G5 to create a web site for a client that has an underlying database in MySQL. I’m creating Java Beans that access the data, but I’m having trouble maintaining a solid connection to the database. What am I doing wrong?
A: You might look at the version of the MySQL connection driver you’re using in…
Q: You know… what this all really might get down to is just that I’m not happy with my job.
A: Uh…
Q: You know that feeling when you wake up one day and you realize that you just don’t want to be a web developer anymore?
A: Not really, I…
Q: What I really want to do now is go to film school.
A: Well, have you checked the connection string?
Q: I mean, I don’t know anything about making movies. I’ve never worked on a movie. Or in the theater. It’s just, I like going to movies and how hard could it be?
A: I was going to suggest checking the MySQL user name and…
Q: I dunno. I like animals, too. Maybe… maybe I should be a veterinarian.
A: Oh, hey! If you really like animals, why don’t you be a bear?
Q: What? That’s stupid. I can’t be a bear.
A: Well, sure, but I think it’s just about as likely as you being a movie director or a vet.
Q: I… I could be a vet.
A: Nuh-uh.

Q: Hey, speaking of bears, I was thinking that Apple’s just about run the gamut on big cat names for OS X…
A: Well, there’s still Cougar. And Lion.
Q: No, no. Those are both stupid. They’ve used all the good ones. Anyway, I was thinking they should turn to bears! “Mac OS X Grizzly” would rock!
A: Yeah. Yeah, that’s a good one. But… um… what would they use after that?
Q: Uh, well, there’s… uh…
A: “Panda” doesn’t really strike fear into anyone. Plus, I don’t even think they’re really bears. I think they’re, like, big raccoons or some shit.
Q: Well, black bears are kind of cool.
A: “Mac OS X Black Bear”?
Q: Hey, it’s not my fault that bears are stupid!
A: Well, what other animals are cool?
Q: Um… Hey! Sharks are wicked cool!
A: Oh, yeah! Like “Mac OS X Mako”!
Q: Yeah! Or “Mac OS X Hammerhead”!
A: Or “Mac OS X Tiger”!
Q: Yeah! Oh. Wait…
A: Oh, no… wait…
Q: That’s…
A: Maybe sharks aren’t the right thing.
Q: Yeah.
A: Huh.
Q: Well… what about monkeys?
A: Um… I don’t think so.