14 Jul 06Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I was reading this bullcrap yesterday from this douche bag who says that the Mac OS isn’t invulnerable to malware and that it’s only going to get worse. Man, that is such crap!
A: Well, I think it’s pretty difficult to say categorically that if the Mac OS continues to have success that it’s going to be just as vulnerable to malware as Windows, but it’s clear that OS X has benefitted from not being such a magnet for hackers.
Q: What the hell are you talking about?
A: Well, I think it might be harder on OS X than on Windows, but I bet if you were determined, you could write a piece of malware for any operating system.
Q: What?!
A: The Mac OS is probably more secure, but it’s not invulnerable.
Q: It is so invulnerable!
A: Um… you seem to be taking this a little personally.
Q: OS X is the one true and beautiful thing in my life! Why would you try to take that from me?!
A: Oh, c’mon. That’s not true. You’ll always have your collection of pretty porcelain ponies.
Q: Well… that’s true…

Q: I’m using Java, HTML and Apache on my Power Mac G5 to create a web site for a client that has an underlying database in MySQL. I’m creating Java Beans that access the data, but I’m having trouble maintaining a solid connection to the database. What am I doing wrong?
A: You might look at the version of the MySQL connection driver you’re using in…
Q: You know… what this all really might get down to is just that I’m not happy with my job.
A: Uh…
Q: You know that feeling when you wake up one day and you realize that you just don’t want to be a web developer anymore?
A: Not really, I…
Q: What I really want to do now is go to film school.
A: Well, have you checked the connection string?
Q: I mean, I don’t know anything about making movies. I’ve never worked on a movie. Or in the theater. It’s just, I like going to movies and how hard could it be?
A: I was going to suggest checking the MySQL user name and…
Q: I dunno. I like animals, too. Maybe… maybe I should be a veterinarian.
A: Oh, hey! If you really like animals, why don’t you be a bear?
Q: What? That’s stupid. I can’t be a bear.
A: Well, sure, but I think it’s just about as likely as you being a movie director or a vet.
Q: I… I could be a vet.
A: Nuh-uh.

Q: Hey, speaking of bears, I was thinking that Apple’s just about run the gamut on big cat names for OS X…
A: Well, there’s still Cougar. And Lion.
Q: No, no. Those are both stupid. They’ve used all the good ones. Anyway, I was thinking they should turn to bears! “Mac OS X Grizzly” would rock!
A: Yeah. Yeah, that’s a good one. But… um… what would they use after that?
Q: Uh, well, there’s… uh…
A: “Panda” doesn’t really strike fear into anyone. Plus, I don’t even think they’re really bears. I think they’re, like, big raccoons or some shit.
Q: Well, black bears are kind of cool.
A: “Mac OS X Black Bear”?
Q: Hey, it’s not my fault that bears are stupid!
A: Well, what other animals are cool?
Q: Um… Hey! Sharks are wicked cool!
A: Oh, yeah! Like “Mac OS X Mako”!
Q: Yeah! Or “Mac OS X Hammerhead”!
A: Or “Mac OS X Tiger”!
Q: Yeah! Oh. Wait…
A: Oh, no… wait…
Q: That’s…
A: Maybe sharks aren’t the right thing.
Q: Yeah.
A: Huh.
Q: Well… what about monkeys?
A: Um… I don’t think so.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Nxxx says:


  2. Nxxx says:

    Come on. Wake up or it will be Yay Two

  3. John Moltz says:

    As the proprietor of this site, I claim Yay Three.

  4. joey lange says:

    that was pretty good

    i laughed

    out loud

  5. His Steveness says:

    Sixt little pony….

  6. His Steveness says:

    BTW: Could someone send me the number of that first guy calling? I think we both might have similar interests we could share….

  7. Ace Deuce says:


  8. Carl says:

    It’s pretty clear that the future will be the OS X Marvel superhero series: Mac OS X Captain America, Mac OS X Wolverine, Mac OS X Rogue, Mac OS X Spider-Man, etc.

  9. Anonymous says:

    That’s silly, yoou can’t be a bear when you grow up.

  10. 2000guitars says:

    YaY Ponies!!!!

  11. Yeah they should name 10.5.x after ponies!

    Jack Ass,

  12. agingeri says:

    Mac OS X Macaque! Mac OS X Capuchin! Mac OS X Marmoset! Mac OS X… um… Kumquat! I could go on all day…

  13. Nicholas Chapman says:

    I think there are still several good cat names left. For instance Liger, Thundercat, Voltroncat, Cringer (He-Man’s cat), uh, Azrael (Gargamel’s cat)…Hmm, maybe cat names are all just about used up.

  14. NWJR says:


  15. Gag Halfrunt says:

    Huh. He said “proprietor.” Huhuh. You’re a pottymouth.

  16. Rev says:

    How about birdies?
    Mac OS XI.1 “Hawk”
    Mac OS XI.2 “Eagle”
    Mac OS XI.3 “Raven”
    Mac OS XI.4 “Crow”
    Mac OS XI. 5 “Turkey…”
    No. What if they used… you know, this gag is kinda played out.

  17. Grizzly Adams says:

    Hey, I like bears!

    11.1 – Yogi
    11.2 – Boo Boo
    11.3 – Pooh


  18. A Priest, a rabbi, and Howard the Dog's love child says:

    there is no spoon

  19. Aaron says:

    I was going to go with Bergman’s Bear, but I think Sloth Bear sounds even better.

    If Mac OS XI used bears, Stephen Colbert would be sure to put Apple “On Notice.”

  20. monkeys says:

    Yeah!!  Monkeys!!

    Mac OS X 10.6 Chimpanzee!
    Mac OS X 10.7 Mandrill!
    Mac OS X 10.8 Baboon!
    Mac OS X 10.9 Australopithecus!
    Mac OS XI Greg Day!

  21. Mozart says:

    Why not use musical names, like:
    Mac OS X 10.6 Allegro
    Mac OS X 10.7 Andante
    Mac OS X 10.8 Presto
    Mac OS X 10.9 Vivace

    That would be so… pretty!

  22. Dr Evil says:

    Would it be an evil petting zoo?

  23. Philippe says:

    there’s puma
    Mac OS X Puma
    or not

  24. Garrett says:

    Mac OS X Puddy Tat!
    Mac OS X Tabby
    Mac OS X Calico
    Mac OS X Stray
    Mac OS X Spayed
    Mac OS X Neutered
    Mac OS X Squished Kitty
    Mac OS X Kitty Litter
    Mac OS X Kibbles & Bits
    Mac OS X Crossed Eyed Cat
    Mac OS X Three Legged Cat
    Mac OS X Kitties Gone Wild
    Mac OS X Pound Pussies
    Mac OS X in heat and gets hit with a boot then craps on the hood of your car then shreds your curtains then scents your furniture and then gets kicked so f’n hard that it orbits the earth for 3 days and then comes down burns up in the atmosphere in a blazing ball of kitty cat fire that makes a great light show at night over Cupertino California before you lose site of it in all the haze of pollution cause by all the people going to work at Apple who are paid to come up with crazy f’n names like this but for the life of them can’t remember why they do it but continue to come up with some crazy ass shit so they can collect that next paycheck that they don’t deserve and then they go home and kick their cat so hard that it orbits the earth for 3 days and then comes down in a burning blazing glory during the night over Cupertino Californa and makes for a freaking awsome light show while you’re totally trashed on that home grown shit and listening to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon while grubbin on a couple of bags of Doritos and barfing up dinner… Yeah, that’s my favorite version of OS X right there. 🙂

    Or to make things simple;
    Mac OS X Evil Monkey in the Closet!

  25. Garrett says:

    But wouldn’t it be better to just call the next version:

    Mac OS X Ubuntu

  26. Squished Squirrel says:

    Like do I know you? I just had this exact conversation recently.

    It went downhill fast after the Monkeys.

    Then again, I guess we ALL have had this discussion.

    How about astronomical objects? It would be a long way to go before we hit Mac OS Universe.

  27. Streetrabbit says:

    Mac OS X Blue Label
    Mac OS X Red Label
    Mac OS X Black Label

    It’s worked for vodka and porno mags, why not an OS?

  28. Saikou Yuden says:

    Mac OS X Thompson’s Gazelle…

  29. Ace Deuce says:

    Apple Alpha
    Apple Beta
    Apple Gamma
    Apple Delta

    Apple Pi

    Mmmm… pie.

  30. John Moltz says:

    I think Puma was 10.0 or 10.1.

  31. Typo says:

    How about beers?

    Mac OS XI Amber, Lager, Summer Ale, Pilsner, Stout…

    Or they could use their think campaign:
    Mac OS XI Ghandi
    Mac OS XI Hendrix

  32. Roadkill says:

    “Squished Squirrel” (above) gives me the idea of a Roadkill series… Mac OS X Possum, Mac OS X Armadillo… Mac OS X Deer in the Headlights…. and so on. For that matter… what’s going to happen after OS X v10.9.9, numberwise? Mac OS X 11? Sheesh. How about Spinal Tap names… Mac OS X Eleven Nigel… Mac OS X Eleven Stonehenge… Mac OS X Eleven Enormodome… and so on………..?

  33. Psyko says:

    Mac OS X Saber Toothed Windows Killer


  34. Psyko's evil roommate says:

    Mac OS X Longhorn


  35. Mandrake says:

    Yeah, Microsoft took the cow names already. Go figure.

  36. Greg Day is not a douche bag or a simian.

    Easy mistake to make though. He is actually Chief Wiggum.

  37. Anonymous says:

    Hmm, Greg Day apparently works for McAfee. He therefore obviously has nothing to gain from pushing this viewpoint then.

  38. Anonymous says:

    Apple could take a cue from stadiums and start selling the naming rights to large corporations:

    Mac OS X Office Max
    Mac OS X Real Networks
    Mac OS X Geico
    Mac OS X Amazon.com
    Mac OS X Anheuser Busch

  39. UhhhDude says:

    Hey kids! We haven’t tried Pope names yet!

    Mac OS XI Boniface
    Mac OS XII John Paul
    Mac OS XIII Pius
    Mac OS XIV Benedict

    (Also works with monarchs, if someone would like to volunteer.)

  40. M says:

    Fauna is so played out. I think it’s time to switch to the other kingdom.

    Might I suggest trees?
    Mac OS Pine
    Mac OS Birch
    Mac OS Larch
    Mac OS Douglas Fir
    Mac OS Sequoia
    Mac OS Redwood

  41. J. Random Slaker says:

    OS X with freaking laserbeams!!!1!!!

  42. Walking Contradiction says:

    I like the Spinal Tap theme, but you can’t use it until OS X 11 (or would it be OS XI?) It would just be wrong to do that, the world would implode, dogs and cats would start living together – it would be bad in general.

    They gotta keep with the cat theme through OSX (10) though, otherwise it would look like they were coping out. There should be enough cat names to last them a while though, right?

    OS X Tigger
    OS X Simba
    OS X Mufasa
    OS X Sylvester
    OS X Garfield

    That’s five more right there. Apple, you have my permission to use them as you see fit. I won’t even sue you for it. I promise.

  43. Huh? says:

    OS X Heart
    OS X Lung
    OS X Spleen!!!

    OS X Wurlitzer
    OS X Hammond

    wow. that’s thhe last time I listen to my Shorts™ on something like that.
    My Pants™ would have done much better, but they’re in Austrailia right now…


  44. Walking Contradiction says:

    Oh yeah, they should save the best for last …

    OS X 10.9.9 WITH FREAKING LASER BEAMS! Thanks J Random Slacker for that thought – hoping I don’t get sued for repeating it!

  45. Anonymous Coward says:

    Mac OS OMG Ponies!