19 Jul 06Highlights of Apple Quarterly Conference Call.

Apple announced a profit of $472 million in its third fiscal quarter today, beating analysts’ estimates.

The company also reported a 32 percent increase in shipments of iPods and a 12 percent increase in shipments of Macs.

Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer told analysts the company does not expect to have to post any material adjustments for the third quarter resulting from the ongoing investigation into stock option irregularities.

Oppenheimer further noted that iPod sock sales have continued their slide since their introduction, but expected that they would be flat for the current quarter as they’ve gone to zero.

In another interesting piece of news, Apple’s Cupertino campus was apparently overrun by wild boars early in the quarter, forcing a temporary evacuation and a hasty call to animal control.

After order was restored, the incident was followed by an impromptu luau.

Oppenheimer told analysts that all Apple employees will be given the day off on August 18th so the entire company can attend the opening of Snakes on a Plane.

He closed the call by revealing that next Tuesday, Apple will announce a new video iPod, a tablet device and a low cost laptop for inner city youth.

And that CEO Steve Jobs wears women’s underwear under that turtleneck and jeans.

Oppenheimer said that he wasn’t really supposed to reveal any of that, but he just couldn’t keep it to himself anymore.

No Responses to “Highlights of Apple Quarterly Conference Call.”

  1. deepkid says:

    haah. funny stuff. first of first posts.

  2. Ace Deuce says:

    Deuce

  3. Nxxx says:

    John,
    As Spell Czech will confirm,you spelt bore incorrectly.

  4. Top five in revealing women’s underwear!

  5. joey lange says:

    What is it with Apple and Tuesdays?

  6. starwxrwx says:

    haha love it.

    I too wear women’s underwear.

  7. Typo says:

    Snakes on an iPod!

    I can see the cross-promotions now…

  8. Streetrabbit says:

    A boar from the wilds of CA
    Went along to the campus one day
    So aroused was he there
    By some wrong underwear
    That he promptly decided to stay

    …I’m sorry, I’ve just spent a week at The Benny Hill School of ASP.NET with C#.

    …I’m doing the salute now….

  9. OMGHAX says:

    Snakes on a Plane!

  10. Carl says:

    Snakes on a Plane!

    Conference Call on Financial Results

    Lacy Underwear on a CEO!

    Bump for 11 on CARS!

  11. Limericks are poems too, you know! says:

    Oppie says that the profits are soarring
    And that Steve’s choice of undies ain’t boring
    So Bill Gates, always jealous
    Phoned the networks to tell us
    That t’was him that set those boars a goaring

  12. Twelve says:

    You’re welcome!

    Are the wild bores still loose in Cupertino, or did Animal Control control them?

  13. Sure, but you left out the most amazing things Oppenheimer said:

    After the switch to Intel processors is complete, Apple will abandon OS X and switch to Windooooo….. Bwahhahahahahahahhahahahhaha

    Damn, I almost did an entire Enderle prediction without breaking up. Just about made it.

    Anyway, that and the introduction of the Newton 2007 as the tablet device. You forgot that one.

    And the fact that Oppenheimer phoned in the earnings statement on an iPhone running OS X 10.7 Lite with the neural interface.

  14. yonatr0n says:

    Ubuntuth!

  15. That Cranky Old Guy says:

    Hey! You wild boars get off my lawn!

  16. Philippe says:

    17

  17. blank says:

    Now all I can think about is going out for kahlua pig for lunch. Good thing there’s an Hawai’ian place in town!

    Mmmmm… kahlua pig…

  18. Ubuntu says:

    There are motherfucking snakes in the motherfucking Ubuntu!

  19. comacnut says:

    I HATE SNAKES

    That is all, carry on.

  20. I am in LOVE with this motherfucking snake!

  21. comacnut says:

    What if the snake ran off with a Bear? How would that make you feel? Just putting it out there ’cause snakes are motherfucking snakes you know.

  22. Psyko says:

    That Samuel Jackson person, is kinda annoying. I wish he would just sort of go away.

    MARK

  23. Rev says:

    SOP opens on my birthday, and Jobs wears women’s undies?
    BITCH THINKS SHE CAN USE MY TOOTHBRUSH!

  24. 2000guitars says:

    A man who wore womans undies
    Always did it “just for fundies”
    Until he took a whackage
    Right on his package
    Now he needs more than silk on his sundries…

  25. Bandar the Invinsible says:

    I want some of that Fizzy-Lifting Drink 🙁

  26. HEY! I thought this was a rumors site! Some of this post looked suspiciously like real news.

  27. No scrip xanax….

    No scrip xanax….

  28. ann says:

    I haven’t been up to anything lately. I’ve just been letting everything wash over me recently. My life’s been generally boring lately.

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